i know this sounds bipolar & all...

but i just wanted people to know in case they got worried:

i talked to my parents and cried a little and im okay.
at least for now. ha.
i think the whole venting thing helped a lot.
its always hard for me to tell people whats going on with me. mostly because i can hardly understand it myself. i know, im a weird person. but i ended up talking to my parents about how stressed ive been feeling and it was a good thing.
i have this problem though; every time i try to talk about stuff like that i start to cry. its really hard for me to get stuff out. haha. it was a mess. im glad you guys weren't there.

anywho! point being i feel ten times better than before.
im only 18, i think i should get a chance to overreact every once in a while. ha.

im gonna go finish eclipse now.
:)

keepbreathing;

the storm is coming but i dont mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.

all that i know is im breathing now.

i want to change the world; instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you & me.

but all that i know is im breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.

all that i know is im breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.

all we can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.


do you ever get the feeling that your head is barely above the water?
i dont feel like myself. i feel like im taking every available avenue that will lead me to a simpler life. im scared that in order to get comfortable again that i would jump at any chance that offers anything close to comfort. who knows what im willing to compromise to just feel alive again?

i feel suffocated lately. i know that i only have so much time left with my parents but it seems like theyre pushing so many things on me from every direction. get a job, go to the post office, what do you need to do for college?, clean up, take care of the cat, talk to us, why dont you ever talk to us?, keep up your grades...
it never seems to stop.
and it doesnt make it any easier that theyve been really good parents to me for the past 18 years. i mean, i feel like i owe them all of my attention for the next 8 months until i move out but i cant do that. i just cant. i dont want to be told what to do anymore. i want to make my own decisions. i know my room is dirty, i know i need money, i know when deadlines are. they dont seem to get that i dont need them reminding me of every little thing anymore. it only drives me over the edge. i get annoyed at being around them and then they get upset about it. i hate that i want to get away from them so badly but there's honestly only so much i can take.

and this whole not having money thing is stressful. its stressful on my parents making them act even worse. i can tell my dad is really struggling with it so when he's being him and i get annoyed i feel even worse about it. i cant make them happy. we're at each others throats more often than not these days and thats not how its supposed to be. i only have a few more months. senior year is supposed to be the best time of my life. so far its proven to be the toughest. my patience, my trust in God, its never been pushed as far as its being pushed right now.

i will never stop relying on God no matter how tough things get but some times i feel so far away from Him. and i dont understand why. its times like these that i know in my mind i need to devote more time to finding Him than anything else. but its easier said than done. when He feels so close its so easy to want to spend time with Him. its so easy to think about Him throughout the day and to thank Him for how amazing He is. i hate the sundays where i walk into church and i cant do anything but sit with my arms folded. i know i want to be in His presence. i know i want to feel Him more than anything but i just cant. and yea, i know things like this happen. cycles. its happened before. but having Him so far away from me makes getting through this so much harder. i dont know what i need to do to feel His comfort. im relying on what ive been told, and what has happened for me in the past at the moment. im remembering how Hes never failed me before, how His word says He will never fail me. i just dont feel Him telling me. i want to change that, but i dont know how.

my parents want to go to alabama for the week. i dont want to. last time i went i had a horrible time. what if this time its worse? i used to love going to see family. i dont know whats gotten in to me. whoever this is, its not me. i hate it.

i want to stay home and spent new years with my friends. away from my parents. but what if what i need is to go to alabama? i know its whats my parents need. so why cant i be selfless for once and let them go? and what if they say i can stay here? should i stay in the house by myself for a few days? how much trouble would i be tempted to get into that way? does God have something planned for me in birmingham this week? how am i supposed to know what to do?

i dont understand why life chooses now to get ridiculously hard for me. i was supposed to really enjoy this year. isnt everyone? my dad not having a job wasnt in the plan. maybe thats what it all stems back to. and do i blame my dad? it scares me because i dont really know. why did we have to leave just then? why couldnt we have waited?

and why the hell am i questioning everything? since when did i worry about things? or question how its all turning out? why am i so freaking scared of the year to come? why am i not who i want to be?

why cant i feel You?
i need You much more than i thought i would.
God, please. i cant do this on my own.

<33

this time next week ill be packing for the best disney trip ever! okay, so i wont actually be packing because ill be at indoor practice. darn you, collin! but believe me, itll definitely be on my mind. im so psyched about going! its been a year and a half since ive been at all and this time im going for christmas which makes it ten times better! i cant believe its only a week away! :D

we had winter days today. it was pretty cool, i guess. i spent half of my day in the band room, which is always a fun thing. i know, im a nerd. :P

im actually looking forward to the concert. more so than in the past. its my last winter concert... aw. haha, im not really that sad about it. its exciting to be moving on. scary at times, but exciting.

my parents arent home. so im stuck here with nothing to do. thats honestly why im blogging. its been a while. i just dont really have all that much to say anymore. i think because i have jared and jessica to confide in. i really do feel loved these days. i mean, ive always been loved. its just nice to have someone close. those two are extremely important to me. i hope they realize it. :)

anyways i think im gonna go look up some guitar tabs or something. its been ages since ive played...
if that doesnt work out ill read new moon. its getting better. i should be finished with it by monday, for sure.

now the oil in my skin fuels a fire from within

for too long i have been in a dream.
if i choose to stay, caught up in the waves,
i'll not be afraid.

i can't believe its november 19th already. seriously, where did all the time go? i've spent way too many blogs talking about time and how quickly its passing now a days so, how about i talk about something different this time;

apparently, im sick. my voice is slowing leaving me. :(
i dont remember ever losing my voice before when i got sick. in fact, i dont get sick all that often. so this is kind of new to me. i dont feel sick. i just sound sick. its very possible i will start feeling sick soon... its not something im looking forward to.

only three more days of school until thanksgiving break! :D
im excited. i loveeee thanksgiving break. i get to go to alabama and chill with the best family on the planet. im not sure dad's going with us this year, he might have to work. that definitely stinks. but at least we have enough money to allow me and mom to go. i dont know what i'd do if i had to stay here for thanksgiving. thats so abnormal and against the laws of the universe. at least, it feels that way.

oh news that you probably havent heard:
although, its not very new. i've known since saturday. but, i got my acceptance letter from winthrop on saturday. i was surprised because it wasnt supposed to come until friday. anyhow, they offered to pay half of my tuition. my dad called when he got the letter because i was at indoor practice. i was extremely excited. i still am. its awesome. with that and palmetto fellows all i have to cover is room and board. which is about 6,000 a year. maybe ill be able to get a couple of other scholarships to help out with that, but honestly, right now i dont feel like looking for any. good thing i still have 6 months before graduation.

i bought a laptop this morning, during first block. i find it kind of funny that the school blocks all these ridiculous sites that have absolutely not reason to be blocked but they allow access to ebay. so much access, in fact, that i was able to complete a transaction on a $500 item. crazy schools. there's no telling what the school system is gonna be like by the time i have kids. i better start praying now so i can keep my sanity when those days arrive. ha.

anywho, it comes monday. that makes me happy. mostly because ill have it for thanksgiving break. i was gonna get a macbook but i decided that i didnt want to spend all of my savings. i shouldnt have even spent what i did, but once i get a job at the beginning of the year, ill be able to make it back in about a month. and maybe once college gets closer i can sell mine and get my parents to pay for the rest of the macbook. they were gonna get me one for graduation anyway. i just was getting annoyed having this humongous desktop. it takes up like a 5th of my room. haha, not really, but it sure feels like it.

im going up to winthrop this weekend for the band clinic. i am very excited. im nervous about the chair auditions, of course, but when am i ever not nervous about those kinds of things? i think its gonna be a lot of fun. im glad i got the chance to do it, especially since its my last year and all.

so disney is in a month exactly. this should be a very exciting christmas. i really am extremely thrilled to be going. i always enjoy going but the christmas atmosphere is gonna make it 50x more special. ha, im such a nerd. but its okay, i enjoy life. :)
i just wish i could share the experience with more than just my mom and dad and chantal and her family. i love them all to death, but there are a few other people that really mean a lot to me. it would be absolutely perfect if the rest of my family went. and of course jessica and jared. they're my heart. <3 these are the people i want to share everything important with. the people that i love loving. the people that i couldnt imagine my life without. the people that have made a huge difference in my life. if im blessed to be around these people for as long as possible then i will be perfectly happy with life.





i feel like im slowly drawing near to You again. i love knowing that You're always here and You're always rooting for me. i love knowing that whatever i ask You for, You will do Your absolute best to have it happen. that what You desire more than anything is for me to be happy. i love knowing that if my world were to one day fall completely apart that You will be there make sure i dont fall with it. i dont thank You enough for who You are and what You do for me each and every day. i wake up in the morning knowing how blessed i am and still forget to acknowledge You. im not worthy of the love that You have never stopped giving me, and this is why i love You more than anything or anyone that i have or ever will come in contact with. You are my everything. that statement has my very life in it. & it means more than anything i will ever say.

here am i, all of me.
take my life, its all for Thee.

!

hi, my name's hannah.
at the moment my heart is completely full.
i feel like it could explode at any second.

i had an absolutely amazing day.

reason 1: i visited winthrop.
reason 2: i fell in love with winthrop.
reason 3: gamecocks won.
reason 4: i did absolutely no homework.
reason 5: i saw a hilarious movie.
reason 6: i ate arbys and wendys; both in one day.
reason 7: i spent time with the most amazing boy on the planet.
reason 8: i was right about murphy's gas prices.
reason 9: i actually spent time with my mom.
reason 10: him. just him. only him. and thats all.

i cant say much.
i want to, but i cant.
all i can say is im extremely excited about whats in my future. :))

God, give me the strength to get through the next seven months of torture. im so tired of high school and im ready to start something new. itll take a miracle for me to keep focused. good thing you're experienced with miracles.

its time for me to go to bed.
i dont feel well.
but im happy.
goodnight! <3

through all the hard times in my life, those nights kept me alive.

time is a completely ridiculous thing. it doesnt make any sense. it cant possibly be a constant because it feels so erratic. in the ninth grade i absolutely hated my algebra two class. every morning i would go to that class and it felt like years before i was free from the evil confines of making an 80 on everything i did. but looking back i remember hardly anything. algebra two lives in a single second of my memory. if i were to total up the time in my memory, i wonder how much it would actually be. probably way less than the 18 years that ive actually lived. my birthday seemed to always take forever to come, but all of a sudden its come and gone 18 times and ive come face to face with the world. its like a brick wall that appeared out of no where with the sole purpose of stopping me dead in my tracks and knocking whatever sense i have out of me. this is the first time that im really starting a new "chapter" of my life. in a matter of months my whole world is turned upside down and im forced to find out who i am and what i want. everything i loved and lived for over the past 18 years i have to leave behind. with no chance to say goodbye. its the realization that it has to stay in the past and then looking in the rearview mirror to watch it fall further and further behind. there is no in between. its all too fast. too sudden. but then i think, everyone else is experiencing this vast change. im not the only one. and the change wont be a bad thing at all. i have so much to look forward to. so many more memories to make. and when the next chapter of my life finds me, i will have to watch those memories fade once again.

i have had the best childhood that i could have ever asked for. my high school career has been amazing. ive had an amazing support system through friends and family. ive been so blessed. its quite evident to me that besides chosing to have a relationship with Christ, marching band is the best decision i have ever made. i could not imagine the last four years without it. i cant explain what or why i love it so much but i do. this weekend is basically the end to such an incredible memory. out of everything ive ever experienced, marching band might possibly be the hardest thing for me to let go.

i graduate in 7 months, roughly. who knows what is going to happen between now and then. who knows what kind of feelings im going to have about my future... or my past. all i know is what i feel now. and what ive felt this week. and those feelings i dont even know how to explain. growing up is something i always looked forward to but i could have never imagined it to feel like this.

i think ive rambled far too much. i really need to read some, but i should probably sleep. its going to be a long weekend...

there's other things i could be doing...

i had an amazing time of worship last night. i got closer to God in worship than i ever have before. i want to be in that position every sunday. i want to feel Him that close to me every minute for the rest of my life. He is my life. and nothing, or no one, is ever going to change that.

i had a great day at school today. for the first time in a long time. i liked being there.

things are going well. but even if they fall apart, i wont be afraid. i know now that God truly is in control. nothing in this world that happens to me will ever change who God is. He has a plan for me beyond my wildest dreams and my goal in life is to stick to that plan. no matter what comes my way, im His. and thats a promise.

i want people to see that. i want people to know how much life is worth living when youre living it for Him. and if thats all i acheive in the next however many years i live, then thats good enough for me.

im gonna go eat now, im starving.
and ive worked hard today. :)

the lab report can wait a little longer.

on the way home tonight i couldn't keep my eyes off of the moon. it was amazingly beautiful. which is strange, because it wasnt even full. it was a perfect crescent? the sky was a gorgeous color blue too. i guess it all just fit together to be something that i wanted to look at. the whole perfectness of it didnt last long though. soon i was back home. where things just arent the same anymore...

ive felt a little lost lately. lost in band practice. lost in school work. lost in the thought of my parents being lost.

im so busy with band, in which i play a huge role. im busy with school, in which i enjoy learning and connecting with my teachers and friends. but it seems like the major part of my life, of me becoming who i am, my church... it seems like i dont belong there anymore. and as much as i try to make myself fit... i wonder if things will ever be the same. how long can i make it last? how much longer can i hold onto the way things used to be? when will i finally have to let go and become a whole new person?

ill be 18 in ten days. maybe thats why im asking myself these questions. its kind of stereotypical that my life is completely changing all around my 18th birthday. or is it? is it a stereotype because thats what really happens? i dont see this happening to everyone else...

one thing is certain. no matter what church i end up in, my God will always be the same God as he was when i went to south congaree, or orchard, or central. He never changes. He never has and He never will. and if i can keep that in mind, i'll be just fine. everything will be just fine.

the sky could be blue, i dont mind, without you its a waste of time.

so my life has been busy. what more can you expect, though, in the month of august? with band and school, and occasionally church, i barely have time to breathe... yet alone go out with friends or write blogs. but here i am. its after nine, and other then being in bed i could be studying for my physics test. which is what i should be doing. and what i would be doing, if my night didnt take the turn it did.

i dont really know how to deal with things. thats something ive noticed. usually ill just pray about it, and leave it in Gods hands. which is the best thing to do, dont get me wrong. its just, when you have something that really affects the routine of your life, it becomes a little harder to let it go. trust isnt the issue. i trust God completely with my life. it just hurts along the way. its confusing.

i think for the first time its something that i really do not understand. something that im scared to understand. i dont know what effect it will have on my life. i dont know how it will change things not only a year from now, but a week from now. because its happening, and its happening now, whether i like it or not. and im going to have to make a decision. people may look at me different. i may not be comfortable there anymore. something like this is something you never hope to encounter. a falling out isnt easy to maneuver around.

i have a phone call...

& with every breath that i take, i feel like ive won.

im happy.

band is great.
God is great.

life is really worth living, i promise.

goodnight.

:)

all i gotta say is i mustve done something good

so week one of band camp is over. its been one heck of a ride. i can honestly say that im enjoying every minute of it. as i should be. it is my senior year after all.

we've gotten pretty far in one week. at least in relationship to whats gone on in the past. we can march and play 12 sets. and we have 19 sets on the field. we have some trouble spots... or people... but what band doesnt? its definitely a challenge. but its good for me. and the rest of the leaders. i figure ive spent so much of my high school career doing band that i should get some life skills out of it. ha.

i registered the other day. first semester im taking computer animation, english V, band, government, and physics. woohoo? whatever, im not too worried about the whole acedemic part of school this year, for some reason... it must be a senior thing...

it seems that things in my life have radically changed. our youth group has been taken over and is going really well. im really excited to see what Gods gonna do in those kids... and me, of course. we all know how much work i need. haha.

and then theres that guy. that one guy that makes me feel completely untouchable. time makes a lot of difference, trust me. he makes me smile, constantly. and it doesnt even seem like an option to not be with him. i honestly dont know what it feels like to be in love. but i love the way i feel. ha.

im growing up. way too fast. my last disney trip with my parents is this christmas. its my last year living in this house. things are gonna change, theyve already started to. and who knows how much theyll change next summer. all i know is i feel incredibly blessed to be in the position i am now. i couldnt ask God for more. and i dont deserve any of it.

goodnight, world.
sleep tight.

:)

im ready when youre ready for me.

& i waited for the right time, for the day i catch your eye,
to let you know that im yours to hold.

growing up is interesting, is it not?

this summer has proven to be the most challenging summer of my life. i dont know if thats been true for all of you who have experienced the summer before you turn eighteen. or maybe its the summer before your senior year. all i know is its been the beginning of really confirming who i am. and what i want. now, believe me, that is still not quite figured out. and i have no idea how long it will take. but it doesnt worry me. because i know that after all the searching and discovering there will always come a day when i figure out one more thing about myself.

lately ive been struggling with emotions. i was sure, then sidetracked, and it really messed with my head. i didnt know what i wanted. and i was afraid of making a huge mistake if i took a risk. but my previous stance on taking risks was very optimistic. its different when youre in that position yourself. i decided to be completely honest about myself and to let God take full control of the situation. i tried so hard to focus on God and let him continue to use me in the lives of my friends. i wasnt as successful as i wanted to be. but God is faithful, anyway, just like always. and He is constantly pushing me forward. im still here for Him. and i always will be... i just feel like its time i took my life a step further and took a risk.

i waited to see what you would do. you had said you liked me and i enjoyed that week we spent together in florida. but ive learned that even if we did have something now is not the time for it. youre immature and dont have a clue what you want. thats no blow against you because youre a fun guy. just not a reasonable choice for someone to fall in love with right now. and im thinking thats what i want to try for. because its something i havent felt, if i ever have, in years.

maybe im really testing myself with seeing if i can handle a relationship and God at this point in my life. but it seems like i have so much excitement about everything right now that i just want someone to share it with. even more importantly, someone who wants to share it with me. someone whos sure. about what he feels now.

my point is this: after weeks of fighting, ive made a decision. and i know how i want my next few months to go. and i want to be next to you. you make me smile. you make me feel incredibly important. and i feel stupid for even thinking that this other guy could care about me like you could, and hopefully will.

so what do you say? wanna try this out?

:)

there's no music playing...

and i should definitely be going to bed. its almost ten and im about to pass out. it seems like ive been nonstop since... i dont know when. haha. but tomorrow night i get to rest. and then friday. so, i should be ready to go when sunday rolls around. i will have another eventful week next week. with work monday through thursday, once again, and kids crusade monday through wednesday. but that is something im definitely looking forward to! :D

so things are weird these days. and i dont know how to approach them. or deal with them. so i kind of dont? everything is in Gods hands right now. maybe thats the main reason all this is going on; He wants me to learn to trust him with EVERY aspect of my life. and i really believe im getting there. its almost like i have no choice. He sure knows how to get our attention, ha.

but like i said before i need to go to sleep.
i also need to finish my summer reading.
and practice my show music.
and load all my files back onto my computer.
and put my check in the bank.
and im sure theres a million other things.

im almost ready to go back to school cuz its seems like ill be less busy. thats bad. haha. and we all know when school starts my social life goes out the window until about november... unless youre a band kid that is. ha.

maybe you really shouldnt talk to me? maybe i dont have time for you? maybe youre too excited about life to care that much? maybe you should learn how immature it is to ignore someone? maybe you should learn to tell people whats going on?

and you! what the heck is wrong with you, boy?? seriously, grow up. youre way smarter than all of this! it really makes me sick to see how stupid youre being. whatever youre trying to do, its not working. take a chill pill before you really screw things up for yourself.


the end?
im tired.

i want to feel You, i need to hear You.

so hi.
i hate the fact that my recent blogs have sounded so depressing. but thats usually when i need to vent. i promise i dont always feel like this. ha.

my insides feels like theyre moving so fast, just jumping around, running into each other, dying to get out. i dont know whats going on. im so frustrated. i really need that peace that only God can give. and as im typing, im crying for the first time in months.

i dont know what to do, what to think. i feel like i dont know anything. and that if it werent for God being here with me through it all, i would be completely incapable of everything.

cuz youre all i want, youre all i need.
youre everything, youre everything.

this song makes me want to just drop to my knees and cry for hours. i wanna be moved. i dont wanna be in this spot. where i feel like a failure. i need You to pick me up and bring me out of this. but i know that if You were gonna do that, it wouldve been done by now. so all i can ask for is strength, wisdom. the things ive seemed to really be without. the things that seem so far away. like ill never reach them.

i love You. and i know that You love me.



i want to thank my best friends for always being there for me.
Jessica, for supporting me in any decision i feel is the best one, and being my backbone in situations like this one.
Chantal, for always being willing to listen and give me those amazing hugs on sunday mornings that tell me not only are you always gonna be there, but so is He.
Amy, for not caring what a dork i am and letting go of yourself, allowing me to do the same.
Robby, for apologizing even when you have nothing to do with it.
Jared, for giving me the time i need to figure all of this crap out.
my parents, for letting me make my own decisions even when you dont agree. for wanting to spend time together. and for showing me how to truly live.


would you tell me, how could it be any better than this?

blogs really help chill me out.
it kind of gives me time to reflect. and in a way, one on one time with God.
He gets all the glory of everything thats ever been good in my life.
im nothing without Him. and i hope i never, ever forget that.

i think im gonna go on to church now.
i need to vent more by driving.

once again ive made a mess out of things.

im not ready for this.
not now.
you chose the absolute worst time.
or maybe i chose the wrong time to be this way.

im stuck.

i dont want to tell you.
i dont want to hurt you.
i dont want to make the wrong decision.
i dont want to lose it all.
i dont want to do what i always do.
i thought i was done with that.

i dont want to see you.
not now, not next weekend, not the weekend after that.
i dont want to confront this.
i want everything to be perfectly fine.

but its not.
and it wont be.
and im stuck in this place with no escape route.
and not enough sense to make one of my own.

god, i just need time.
just give me more time.
please.

why are you doing this now?!?!?
why couldnt you have done this half a year ago?
you just like making my life more complicated, dont you? haha.

i dont know what to say.
all i know is its not the same.
at least not right now... which is when your choosing to be like this.

goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont know whats going on or what will be going on or what has been going on.

happy fourth.
i had a good one, and i hope you did too.

in the arms of Your mercy i find rest.

You are incredible.
seriously, i screw up way too much. but You never give up on me. ever.
i dont think i could ever thank You enough. youd think that all Youve done for me would give me an unavoidable (is that a word?) reason to serve You with all that i have. and yet i leave each sunday and nothings different. im just the same stagnant luke warm believer. but You're always, always there to pick me up. why does it take us so long to realize that You're all we could ever need? why does it take us being broken over and over again because of the same things for us to get what You want for us? i dont know the answer to that. but i do know that i can trust You to be there waiting for me to fall on You for the rest of my life. without You i really am nothing. im a useless mess that cant do anything but dig an even bigger hole for myself. thank You for being the amazing savior that You are. and for tirelessly shoving Your love and mercy in my face. i love You for it. and i cant wait to get even closer to You. because i know that thats when i will start to truly live.

You are my everything.

man down

youre hurting me. i just wish you understood. i cant stand to see you this way. and youre like this way too much.

whatever you do please dont give up.
and please dont forget there are people who are backing you 100%.

"are you insane?!"

thats what i keep asking myself...

so, yesterday i got back from an amazingly fun trip to orlando. kind of last minute, wasnt really expecting much. boy was i wrong. it was definitely a memorable one, probably more than it shouldve been. im not gonna lie, it scares me. because before this trip and even a couple days into i had no doubt about what i wanted. everything seems to have changed now. not completely, but enough to scare me. not knowing what you want is a scary thing. especially when people's hearts are at stake.

i hope youre having an amazing time at the beach. really, i do. you havent been talking to me too much lately. i dont know what that means. the thing is i know exactly how im gonna feel when i see you again. and i know that whatever this is, its not going to get easier.

blah, life is confusing.
maybe its not life, maybe its just me.

im gonna go get my ben and jerrys and watch the bachelorette now.
haha, that wont help one bit.
but i missed it monday so i have no choice.

what you feel is what you are

& what you are is beautiful.

its been almost a week since ive blogged. ive had a lot of things to talk about, most likely. but it just wasnt meant to be said on here. it was meant to be said to my bestest friend in the whole wide world. i got to hang out with her yesterday and today and i loved it. summer is cool because we dont have school and all but its kinda sad because we hardly ever get to see each other. we both work, and she works random times, so its hard to get together at times. i had a lot of fun with her, though. she is an awesome friend. :)

im not blogging anything about you. i guess im scared of saying something stupid. since i now know that you read these things. its either that or youre extremely random. and, as random as you are, i believe its the first.

i saw kung fu panda last night. holy cow, it was freaking hilarious! im not gonna lie, i really liked it. it kept me very entertained. and i think if i were to watch it in the middle of the day it would be just as funny as it was at 11 o'clock last night. haha, well, maybe not AS funny. but probably really really close. im going to see it again in the morning. with my parents. im glad they want to go see it because im already dying to see it again.

i played guitar hero on xbox tonight. it was bad. i couldnt even play on hard. at all. not even one song. i think its harder on xbox? is that possible? or have i just gotten worse? ive finally come to the realization that in order to get better at that game im going to have to own it. and thats not something i see in the near future. because im broke. and i will be for quite a while. but, hey, who needs money?!

my computer has absolutely nothing on it. my dad erased all its memory and junk. at least that got rid of the trojans. ha. i was hoping that it wouldnt be able to be fixed so i could get my macbook early... didnt quite work out. but thats okay. ill get it soon enough. i dont want to think about how fast this years gonna go. its definitely bittersweet.

tomorrows the 14th. that means in three months i will technically no longer be a child. thats sad. i like childish things. haha. but im sure growing up will be fun? i know i have an amazing future to look forward to. i dont know where id be without Gods promises. seriously, i would be completely lost, if alive at all. thats not something i want to think about. im just so thankful to know Him. im so thankful to have a family who can trust God with their lives. nothing changes hearts more than actually seeing someone live life with God. talk means nothing. i can talk about God all i want. and sure, people might listen, but what do they get out of it? how is that going to prove to them that a relationship is something they trully want. maybe once they see me living day to day in that relationship then itll click. that somethings different. that theres something more to it. and then, maybe then, theyll get interested. and theyll feel incomplete without being around that complete joy and peace that comes with such a relationship. im so in love with that relationship. im so in love with who God is and what Hes done for not only me, but for my family and friends. i could not imagine my life without Him.

i think my family is poorer than we've ever been. but, we know that we can live without all the luxeries we've been able to afford over the past years. i believe we're happier now more than ever, and we're all so excited about what God has in store. i know i am.

its barely ten o'clock. and im not sure if im tired. but i have to be ready by like 10:30 so i guess i should go on to bed. i hate getting up before i want to. haha.

wow, im lazy.

i got the point that i should leave you alone

but we both know that im not that strong.

so last night i had an incredible time at courtney's graduation party. thanks for inviting me courtney, really. i need to go to more parties and make more friends. everyone there last night was pretty awesome. =]

i gave myself a headache on the way home. i think my music was louder than its ever been. and i think i figured out why i turn it up so loud all the time. i didnt want to have to think. i wanted the music to drown out my thoughts. because my thoughts can be dangerous sometimes. despite the headache, i still thought. i guess its something i cant run away from. and ill say only one thing on the matter that i thought of: the more im with you the more i see how much potential we have. but potential means nothing if you dont acknowledge it.

but compared to your eyes nothing shines quite as bright.
and when we look to the sky its not mine, but i want it so.

today's graduation. i dont think ill cry. because i dont think it ever really hits you that you might never see these people again. its probably the might the keeps the tears back. the hope that you will see them again. but chances are you wont. and theyll start their lives a year before you. and while youre stuck in high school getting everything you want without working too hard for it theyre out there racking their brains for the next step in fulfilling their dreams. and maybe, just maybe theyll give up. but thats not what you want to think about. you want to think about them all becoming doctors and senators and business owners just like they said they always would. even though you know some dreams will fall through. and some of your closest friends that youve spent the last three years with will not end up as happy as they should. you dont want to forget about them but you probably will. it happens every year, every graduation, every walk across that stage. and soon youll be focused on your own graduation and dreams. which may fall through. good thing theres a hope better than succeeding in the "real world". and no matter what dreams of mine fall through and dont, i will always have that hope to lean on. and thats something i will never forget.

good luck 2008 graduates! you guys are incredibly smart and have a very promising future ahead of you. you should be thoroughly excited! =]

i think thats good for today.
i need breakfast?

i'll be holding my breath that you would stay.

so ive been thinking...

1. i feel like crap for totally screwing my best friend over today. i dont listen enough. and im sorry. really i am. its something ive become used to doing and i need to really figure out a way to get it fixed. because i wouldnt want my best friend to treat me like that.

2. the world is against me today. ive been sneezing all day and my nose feels like its about to blow up. i never have allergies. whats the deal?

3. i dont see how this is going to be avoided. at least not for the next... like... year. maybe its just me. but its something. and if one of us is good at pretending it doesnt exist, you are. but even then... you arent that good. ha. personally, i like it. a lot. but maybe im over analyzing. right now im just kind of caught up in the idea.

thats it for now. just had to get some things off my mind. im gonna go watch the band video now. because that makes me happy.

so please remember not to waste another day

Do you dream that the world will know your name?
So tell me your name.
Do you care about all the little things, or anything at all?
I wanna feel all the chemicals inside, said I wanna feel.
I wanna sunburn just to know that I'm alive,
Just to know I'm alive.

I wanna live just to see the day when we all get along.
I wanna scream, scream my song out loud for everyone to hear.

Do you believe, in the day that you were born?
Tell me, do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life?

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know never leaves too soon.

And you know the pain that brought you here today,
So what can you do?
And you know the tears for losing those you love
When yesterday is gone.
So please remember not to waste another day,
Not to worry your mind.
And please forgive me for taking so much time
To get back on my feet.

Don't tell me if I'm dying cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.

And I'll fight it out because I know I can.
And I'll sleep tight when you're not here.
Oh no, I won't surrender.

This is to one last day in the shadows,
And to know a brother's love.
This is to New York City angels,
And the rivers of our blood.
This is to all of us, this is to all of us.

Don't tell me if I'm dying cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.



so, that song is by thriving ivory. i dont really know why i posted it in a blog. i guess because i like it, and ive really got nothing else to do. haha.

me, jessica and alex went and got subway for lunch today. its nice to break away from school every once in while. its good that we only have 4 and half days left because if it were more i might have already thrown my work ethic out the window. and that would not be good for my gpa. i guess you can say that seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is keeping me holding on? i dont really care at this point, its almost over. =]

then i can concentrate on band and work. but mostly band. haha.

i cut myself with an x-acto knife in art today.
its little, but it burns. =[
im making a cardboard relief of outer space. its actually not that bad. like i said, the light at the end of the tunnel.

we have the spring game tomorrow. i hope its fun. i like football games. maybe ill get a taste of what its going to be like this season. im not worried anymore. i dont see why i should be, i mean, who wants to spend their whole senior year worried about how its gonna turn out? id rather spend my time enjoying it. personally. i feel like some of the seniors we are losing this year would be the ones to worry about the band all season if they were in my position. but then again, im not them so i dont know what theyd do...

dont get me wrong, i care about the band. but that doesnt mean i have to worry about it turning out bad? as long as we do the best we can to make sure everyone is having a good time in a great environment, what else can we do? after all high school sucks. and band is what you do to escape that. and i must say, its a pretty incredible way to escape. =]

i think i should go now? ill probably leave my house in like 20 minutes to go to church... probably.

have a good wednesday, kiddos.

=/

look, youre adorable and everything but...

that's my song.

i know its awesome and i dont care if you listen to it. but for some reason when you said it was your song it struck a nerve.

jealousy i guess.




im a baby.
im sorry.

and i swear, we'll make it.

so i feel like writing a blog. because they're fun. and i have nothing else to do until my mother gets here. at which time we will watch american idol. then after that im going to bed. because im tiredddd.

band is going really well i think. so far i am having a blast with it! no lie. hopefully my enthusiasm will last throughout the season. i have no choice really. because if my enthusiasm doesnt last how can i expect the rest of the band's to?

ive learned a lot about myself over the past three days. one of them being that i actually can lead. i cant say that ive changed or become a better person because the truth is that im just being myself. really. i love teaching these kids. theyre incredible. and i just want to see them as in love with band as i am. because next year when i leave, theyll be in charge.

i dont want to leave. but ive got like 6 months left. im determined to help this band be ten times stronger than it was in the past. i want a state medal, im not gonna lie. but the journey to state is a whole lot more important to me than the result. i mean, its my senior year. and i dont want to miss a thing. im gonna make every single minute worth living. im serious about this.

8 and half more days of school! yay! the only class thats really annoying me is art. with 8 days left we still have like 3 projects to do. i wish she would just let us finish the project we're on now and then we'd have like a week and half for review. haha, wishful thinking.

so i love my best friend. very much. she's amazing. and i know that every day from here on out we will get closer. pretty soon we'll be sisters, inseparable. =]

all the leaders this year have been amazing so far. its so much fun working with them and i cant wait for the rest of the season! especially my life parter! =P
anddd of course, drum major number one! i cant believe this is it. its finally our year. what are we gonna do with it? we can do amazing things. i know we can.

i have a lot of excitement right now. but i dont want to lose sight of You. i really dont. because when i do, my whole world falls apart. as much as i love band, it cant hold me up like You can. i know that Youre always behind me to catch me when i fall. but i also know that i can easily forget Youre there waiting for me to fall into Your arms. i dont want that. i want to live life to the fullest and i cant do that unless im living it with You. Youre everything. and with You everything is attainable.

hey. i love band. you love band. we see each other because of band. band keeps us friends. band is awesome. you are awesome. im awesome? haha. lets keep this up. i couldnt imagine this season without you.

the hurler, furrito, and the high king.

so this weekend has been extremely busy for me. and i still have tomorrow before the weekend's over. then comes monday - wednesday, which is spring band camp. i am super excited about that by the way.

first comes friday. i went to carowinds with the chorus because we had a competition. the whole competition thing was just an excuse to go to carowinds and fulfill the need for thrill. ha, i rhymed. but anyhow that was fun. i made new friends. considering i dont have many in chorus. it was pretty crowded at times and we didnt get to ride everything. but we got ice cream and a superior, what else could you ask for?

while i was at carowinds i missed nearly 7 hours of leadership training which i kind of regret. when to got back to the school a little bit before 8 i joined the rest of the leaders, and Mr. Furrito, for the last half hour of training. Mr. Furrito wasn't annoyed that i was just coming in and was actually impressed that i had decided to join them after my full day. i felt kind of good about myself. so good that i didnt drive over the speed limit the whole way home. :)

when i got home i went straight to my room and did the homework for today. this took barely half and hour and i was so exhausted that i immediately went to bed. i was excited for today and i had every right to be.

today i got up, early for saturday, and even rushed a bit to get ready to make sure that i would be early for the second half of the workshop. i stopped by burger king to pick up some breakfast, which was delish by the way, and made it to school by 8:45. my confidence level was slowing rising and it felt good. throughout the entire workshop i hung on Mr. Furrito's every word. every sentence that came out of his mouth made complete since and i wish i had time to write it all down. it was really and enlightning experience for all of us and i cant wait to start the season as a team. i really feel good about our ability to lead this year. all i can do is hope that everyone is as serious about this as i am. and i feel confident; the workshop had a great effect.

after the workshop my parents and i went straight to see the new Narnia movie. and holy cow... it was amazing. seriously. i dont even know how to explain it.



do you see that guy? yea. im sorry David, but im gonna have to ditch you. this guys four years younger than you, hotter, and has a british accent. and who knows? maybe he can sing too. its funny to think that im probably one of the million and one girls who think that about him. but i am seriously attracted. too bad he lives across the atlantic ocean. its a shame he'll never meet me.

now i have to pick up my clothes so i can go to sleep. because im tired as mess. tomorrows sunday and i seriously cannot wait to be at church. ive learned so much this weekend about myself and whats important to me in life. and my relationship with God is something ive been neglecting. which i believe has been most of the reason for me being so lazy and careless lately. but i want to change that. so much. im ready for the huge change in my life. its so close. actually, its already started.

i think thats it for tonight.
it feels like i wrote a buttload.

giants do die.

the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

im happy.

nothing really amazing has happened to make me that way. but i just am. which is pretty neat, i must admit.

im excited about the band banquet tomorrow night! i love those things! seriously. i think this years banquet is going to be the most emotional banquet ever. this year has been absolutely crazy. and so many of us went through so much crap. but we're alive. and we're all about to go through major changes, whether it be the totally new band program or college or even not being in band at all. im still a little upset at those people by the way... =P

i have this bruise on my leg. and i have no idea where it came from. it looks like it hurt really bad. i dont understand why i can never remember these things? over the past year i have learned how weird of a person i am. seriously, its ridiculous. ask my friends.

speaking of friends, i love them. and im glad i have them. i would say without them i would have probably had a mental break down by now but the truth is, i dont think i really share my emotions much. at all. i dont know why that is. i wish i could. i need to find out what it is that keeps me from being so open. because, that could be dangerous.

we have 16 days left of school. its getting pretty close pretty fast. which is great. its cool that i wont have to take any exams next year. i think thats going to be my favorite part of being a senior. i cant believe im almost 18. seriously, where did my childhood go? its crazy. my childhood was practically perfect. and i should thank God for that daily. unfortunately i dont get around to it every day. sometimes i barely even say a word to Him. which is completely unfair to Him! i mean, He only gave His life for me! but im working on that. and we're getting there.

my dad, calvin, and i are going to carowinds tomorrow for a few hours. which means i dont really get to sleep in... like at all. sucks. but its ok. i mean, its carowinds. even though ive been like a million times, its still fun.

...im excited about shooting ghosts on the scooby doo ride now. hehe.

goodnight world.
you're beautiful.

=]

it's may.

that means life should be getting a bit more exciting reallyyyy soon.
and by exciting i mean no school and more band.
ha, nerd much?
oh yes.

i have one more week at wendys.
tomorrow. and then one day next week i think?
i was able to get saturday off which means i get to go to carowinds.
yay.

so i just got home like half and hour ago and i was really planning on watching spiderman three but i think id rather just go to bed.
we have netflix now.
its neat.

i really had nothing specific to say.
i wanna see my kitty.
its like a week old now.
i cant wait for it to open its eyes.

i wrote a song yesterday.
then i tried to record it for my music myspace.
it sounded like crap.
haha, ill work on it.

im trying out for american idol by the way.
it would be neat to make it to hollywood.
actually it would just be neat to go and try out.
i just dont wanna embarrass myself.
that might suck.
ha, i had to use spell check to find out how to spell embarrass.
but now i know.

i have a lot of homework this weekend too.
relatively.

blah, im rambling.
goodnight.

coffee, dan, and a bus loop.

so there's this guy...

yea, the one on my left. he's adorable. he sings better than i can ever imagine anyone singing. and im thinking i need to meet him. and i will. i promise. so if anyone's interested in going to the American Idol top 10 tour when it comes to columbia, let me know. because i will meet David Cook. and he will meet me. if he doesnt fall in love with me, well, thats his loss. haha. =P

and uhm, excuse me? what are you doing? i doubt you even know. but i have no room to talk because half of the time i dont know what im doing either. but i just have one thing to say to you:

e naymmo tu lyna ypuid oui. yht e ruba oui naymewa dryd. es kmyt fa ryja yhudran oayn du ryhk uid, palyica e naymmo fyhd du kad du ghuf oui ajah suna.

lol, im sorry. i couldnt pass up the translator. you've turned me into a complete nerd.

hey. so im sorry for being so uncertain all the time. i know one thing, and thats that i dont want to begin anything right now. its not good for me or you. because i have things im holding on to. things that i still have hope for? and im sure you kind of knew that. but you're awesome, dont forget that. =]

so ive been killing to see Phantom of the Opera again. like thats gonna happen anytime soon... haha. im gonna rent the movie soon, we have netflix now. im kind of scared to watch it though for fear that itll suck compared to the live show. but oh well, it wont hurt to try.

24 days of school. im so happy. even though ive gotten myself into a pretty time consuming job. it could be worse though, i could still be at wendys making less than $200 every two weeks. im sorry, but i need more money. and if 8 to 5, monday through thursday is what gets me that, then so be it.

im excited to see what comes next. its crazy how quickly things change. one minute you think the world's crashing down on you, and the next it seems like you have an amazing future to look forward to. maybe im bipolar? ha, kidding. im just glad i have a God to run back to every time i screw myself up.

im hurting for you, i hope you know. maybe you dont want me to, but i am anyways. i miss you and im sorry for all the stuff you've been through lately. i still love you. please know that. im just sorry that i dont know the right way to deal with these things. and im sorry if ive failed you as a friend.

i think i should go "study" for my spanish test now? or maybe ill just sleep. i havent been sleeping well lately. maybe ill get lucky and tonight will be the night i sleep amazingly well. ohhhh, i hope so.

goodnight, beautiful.

if we try hard enough, im sure we could forget it

so here i go.

i have been appointed the honor of woodwind captain for the 2008 marching band season.
my very last year is approaching. im excited. its gonna be a good one.

my best friend is my drum major. i always knew she was good for something. ;]
alex is the other drum major. and hes so adorable. so it fits. ha.

me and nathan are partners for life. woodwind captain and brass captain. thats how we roll.

band has gotten me all happylike. i went to all my classes today. yay for me.
im gonna stop skipping class and im gonna start getting a's again.
and before i know it, my junior year of high school will be over.
it seems to have lasted FOREVER!

27 school days left. i guess it could be worse.

Mr. Turner is an extremely nice person. i like him alot.
and im glad Mr. Bussell isnt completely abandoning us. he's done a lot for me.
i have good luck with running into people who change my life.

im gonna go take a shower now.
because i can.

=D

oh, would it be alright if we didnt say goodbye this time?

wow. obviously ive been really busy lately. because its been over a month since ive posted anything. its reasonable to say that i have a lot to talk about. and yea, i guess i do, but half of all the things that probably need to be talked about most likely wont be. i cant say why that happen exactly, but it does.



the big news is i went to new york. and i had an absolutely amazing experience. it was probably the best trip ive ever taken. but it was bittersweet. im scared to mention why for the fear that others might think things about me that arent true. or maybe they are true. i dont even know. but thats normal for me.



a few days in the big city seems to have been just what i needed. i mean, id like to think that i figured something out while i was away. but theres no telling with me. all i know for sure is that i loved being in new york. and i wouldnt have traded that experience for the world. i really wouldnt. in fact, i would do it again tomorrow without hesitation. however, i doubt i could live there. i dont have the patience. ha.



there's a picture of the city from the top of the rockefeller center. that was probably my most favorite part of the whole trip. i had never seen anything more breathtaking. who wouldve thought that industrialization and technology could be so gorgeous? it was definitely a shocker for me.


ill be honest you were kind of getting on my nerves. i dont know what it is. maybe its just awkward for me. but after a while i didnt want to be around you because i couldnt take it. i dont want to ask you to stop though, because i know its not that easy. you cant just stop. i just have to change something with me. because its not gonna work this way.


i have no earthly idea how to feel about you, on the other hand. youre crazy. and this whole thing came from out of no where. and its like im stuck in the middle. i couldnt possible choose which way to go with it right now. in fact i feel like it will be a while before i figure out what is going on. if theres one thing ive noticed about myself within the past year its that i dont know what i want. and this is probably the weirdest thing ive ever been through. ugh.


i started thinking about you again. and that just throws everything out of wack. i hope youre doing great. we hardly talk. and i would be lying if i said i didnt miss it.


i just want everyone to know that i feel completely blessed. my best friends are absolutely amazing and it feels like every second that im with them is the most fun ive ever had. i love them to death. i wouldnt trade them for anyone else. honestly. theyre great.


despite all the change we've been forced to deal with lately, i dont think im used to it. im not ready for more change even though i know its coming. im tired of it. i want something consistent.

and i feel kind of far. i dont know what it is. obviously its not you. youre still there, and even though i cant feel it, i know it. so i guess ill just wait. i dont know what im doing but i hope it doesnt involve giving up in anyway. theres no way i could make that stupid of a move. at least thats what im hoping. ah, please dont let go. please.


i have concert festival in the morning. im kind of excited. i get chick fil a for lunch! haha. =]
good times.

when the burden seems to much to bear

remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

i would appreciate it if you stopped hurting.
because it makes me hurt.

i know sometimes, we can't help it.
and it takes time to figure things out.
im hoping less time rather than more.
in fact, im doing more than hoping...
im praying.

dont ever forget.
you know where you can always come back to.
please, just dont forget that.

& there with our small view, a toast to all things new.

wow. so in roughly 35 days ill be on my way to New York City. crazy, huh? i remember last year... sitting at our lunch table talking about "oh my gosh i cant wait for our junior year its going to be so awesome!" well here we are, more than halfway into our junior year already. i seriously cannot believe that time can pass so fast. time passes too fast. i wish i could go back in time for some things. and for others im glad they're over with.

i miss pace. i miss band camp. i miss wcu and lower state. i even miss state. and i dont know how to fix that. if i could go back and re-live those 3 or 4 months i wouldnt hesitate.

i hope you're having fun teaching history. i know how much you love it. but i also hope you know how much you are missed here. dont worry, we haven't forgotten you. at least i havent. and maybe one day i will. but i really dont want to. and as much as i dont want this to be the end, im coming to the realization that it is. maybe i'll see you at my wedding. lol.

i also miss summer. and the completely carefree attitude that comes with it. that absolute freedom is something i am craving. i'm sure i'm not the only one. its not good to be this restless. and it takes a lot of self discipline to stay focused. God, i need that self discipline!

in a little over 6 months i'll be 18. do you know how ridiculous that is? i shouldn't be 18. i'm still a kid. i mean, seriously, i don't even think i deserve to have lived this long! haha. but, yes, i am very thankful. 18 years... wow.

and soon ill be off to college and starting a life completely on my own. scary? or exciting? i can't say just yet. im still sitting in my parents house, eating their food, and taking their advice. and i dont think i will know what its like to be without that until i take myself away from it all next summer.

i have no idea what to expect out of life. things change. and they change so quickly. nothing is certain. but its good to know that i'm taken care of. its good to know that i have someone i can always count on. and thanks to my God, i dont have to be worried about my future. and i hope all of you can feel the same way. =]

i think i should go practice now... or something.

oh, we will find our place past the would have beens,
no more hanging from on a string.

break my heart for what breaks yours.

so today was probably the best monday ive had in a really long time. believe it or not. i mean, logically, it really shouldnt have been. it shouldnt have been good at all. and it was. because my God can take the crappiest of situations and make me the happiest person in spite of it all. and i dont even know why im happy. or how he did it. i just woke up this morning and said, "you know what, God, im not dealing with this." and it worked. it really worked. you dont really understand the awesomeness of God until you experience his healing power on your own. you cant even begin to grasp it. holy cow, amazing much? i think so.

im so excited about new york. and im so excited about the summer. and christmas at disney. and my future. im just excited. almost like theres no point in doing anything but looking forward. i mean, why look back when theres so much going on in the future?

i really like music. its hard for me to save money because i want to buy every song that i hear. and 99 cents per song adds up after a while. haha. ive been leaving fourth block a lot lately to join the jazz band and its gotten me really into jazz music. seriously, im a freak of nature. but im passionate and ive only recently found that out. im passionate about a few things in my life. and passion definitely makes life worth living. one day when i get into a serious relationship, like with the guy im gonna end up marrying that passion is really going to pay off. and i will take off. and feel love like God has intended for me to feel. not this fake stuff that we try so hard to find. and just end up hurting like heck in the end.

im thankful for the smart ones in my life. the ones who actually care about me. and who know whats best for me when im too blinded by my own desires to see it.

i have a spanish test tomorrow. which means i should go study. ah, studying is no fun. no fun at all. goodnight, kids. i love you guys like... a lot. =D

8:41 Sunday, February 10th, 2008.

i woke up at 5 o clock this morning.
i felt absolutely horrible.
i definitely shouldve been crying.
but i couldnt.
it was weird.

what if...?

nah.




i cant wait to talk to my best friend.
and i cant wait to be in God's presence.
where nothing else matters.

to a truly amazing person:

my throat was abnormally dry. that is my excuse for not saying anything. but its a real excuse. as in, im not lying.

i went into this thing today not expecting anything out of it. or at least i wasnt trying to. but here i am, sitting here, wondering why the heck i didnt hug you while i had the chance. because apparently i dont get another one...

for some reason im a dumb teenage girl and i have problems making words come out of my mouth. because my mind was talking non-stop. but the words were completely lost somewhere. i wanted to say so much to you. but i dont think it wouldve changed a thing. you believe what you believe and not me or anyone else is going to be able to change that. if you believe that its going to happen again then who am i to say its not? i cant promise that. no one can. i can tell you that my ultimate goal is not for us to hurt each other. but im sure no one is thinking that at the beginning of a relationship. so what good would that do?

the problem is this: im willing to, and youre not. and i doubt theres anything i can do to change that. i just wish i could. because i realized tonight that i dont want to be just friends. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. and i dont think i can be just friends to be honest with you. i dont think we can be just friends.

ive been wrong about a lot of things before. and this could be one of them. but i didnt want to leave your truck tonight. i dont care how cold it was. or how awkward and intense it was. because it was definitely all of those things. haha. seriously. i wanted to fall asleep there. and i think im absolutely crazy for that.

youre a risk i am willing to take. and i have no idea why. i mean, it doesnt make sense to me. at all. but thats all i keep thinking about. and i feel so certain about it.

you worry about me to much. trust me, ill be okay.

p.s. - i dont need promises. i dont feel comfortable making them anyway.

i drew a line, i drew a line for you

oh, what a thing to do.
and it was all yellow.


hm. im not sure i actually have something to say. but i have no one to talk to and 45 minutes until american idol starts. and sadly 45 minutes is not long enough to watch a disney movie. it is a long enough amount of time to read, however and yet im not doing it. i couldnt tell you why. because im always telling myself i want to read. and i do. so what am i doing writing a blog, i honestly have no clue.

im getting a free t shirt on sunday. isnt that exciting? i think so.

you know, theres a lot of things i could say about a few people but i really dont feel like it... at all. i mean usually i just say like everything thats on my mind but i really dont want to this time. i guess because some of it i dont want to come out too soon. neither do i want to start talking bad about someone. and there are other things i just dont want to deal with. there is this one thing, though, that im getting kind of worried about. i wish it was as easy as im making it seem. but its really not and i probably have to set things straight really soon. because i dont ever want to hurt anyone. but i dont want to lose a friend either.

a list of exciting things in 2008:

1. NEW YORK!
2. prom!
3. getting a new camera!
4. senior project being over and done with!
5. summer vacation!
6. going to universal with my bestest friend!
7. starting my senior year!
8. going to disney at christmas!

... thats all i got. haha. for now anyway.

a list of not so exciting things:

1. having to do senior project.

...i guess its a good thing that i cant think of much more.





i figure if you never get your hopes up you wont be able to be let down. so thats where im at right now. it may not be the right way to do things. in fact the right way to do things for me right now probably includes avoiding the situation completely. but... we will see. i just hope you arent confused. because i dont feel like flirting with uncertainty. yes, i do get hurt.

creation's revealing your majesty.

life. what a completely amazing gift. and i mean, how undeserving are we? especially of a life so incredibly full of... well, life. ha. i just sat outside for 20 minutes. i have no idea how cold it is out there exactly. but i can tell you that i could see my breath and i couldnt feel my toes. if you can figure out the temperature by those kind of things, let me know.

but i was on my way home from church and i looked up. which is completely dangerous while youre driving... never do it. but for some reason i am absolutely stunned by the night sky. and despite my complete hatred towards the cold i wanted to sit under that incredible sky. so i did. i came home, grabbed my ipod, and went out into the cold. totally not something i would do. i think i've become a bit spontaneous. or maybe ive just fallen in love with stars.

the creator of the stars, he's a completely different story. and by different i mean too amazing to describe. yea, indescribable.

and i would love to spend the rest of my night outside looking up, or even just talking about it here. but unfortunately i have spanish homework. so, in conclusion...

"When i consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

- Psalm 8 : 3,4 -

till the ground in me, 'til its ready.

here i am again. sitting here at 3 o'clock on a saturday afternoon. on a saturday that ive done absolutely nothing with myself. im still really happy. seriously, my God never takes a break.

i feel like i totally blew you off today, and im really sorry. even if you dont think of it as a big deal, i do. today was going to be something big for us. it was important. and i feel completely selfish for blowing my best friend off because im "too busy". when the truth is i didnt want to do anything today. its just another way that my selfishness got in the way. and i will make it up to you, i promise.

there's probably a lot of things i could say about you right now. and whats going on. or if anything is going on. but to tell you the truth i dont want you on my mind right now. i hope that doesnt hurt your feelings, i just have better things to look toward. and i dont have time to try to figure things out that will probably end up unfulfilling anyway. ill leave the figuring out to you and listen to what God has to say about this. because He is my one and only.

ive been praying for you. and i dont want you to be confused. seriously, i want you to have what i have. because theres nothing like it. anywhere.

so i have to work tonight. i think i like my job. its fun. even it takes away some time i could be spending with my friends and family. because ive made new friends. and i like them. and maybe somehow i can show them love where they wouldnt get it otherwise. because thats how my God works. He changes things. things that you wouldnt have ever thought could have been changed. amazing, huh? that He is.

im going to new york in two months. im really excited about this. seriously, i feel like its the beginning of my traveling experience. i really do want to travel the world one day. theres so many different cultures out there. so many great things to see. i want to get out of my comfortable little "oh great US of A" box. i dont want to be just another american. i want to be different.

well, i should go get ready for work. or, actually, i havent done my devotion today. and i think thats an awesome idea. i hope everyone has an amazing rest of the weekend.

i see a generation rising up to take their place

so im not sure i have anything to say really. i just wanted to let you know how great my God is. yes, i know ive said this already. but i can still feel him near me. and i always want to feel that way.

i dont know what im gonna do with you. you need to quit, seriously. i want you to do what you were going to do. i want you to get better. but i cant promise you what you want. it was way too long ago. i want to be your friend. please let me do that without acting this way.

im so excited about going to church tomorrow. we're starting discipleship and i cant wait to dive into Gods word. seriously, i should have done it years ago. but i never got the hang of it. i think its different now. and i cant wait to find out how this is going to affect my life.

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me
break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your kingdoms cause
as i walk from earth into eternity

i think thats all i have to say.
life is an exciting thing... no one knows whats waiting around the corner.
but i am oh so thrilled to find out.

on You i throw my life, casting all my fears aside

how can greater love than this ever possibly exist?

i think i have a lot to say. but i have absolutely no time to say it. i love my God with all that i am. and i can feel us getting so much closer. and i have this huge thing of excitement in my chest. its like a super nova inside of me or something. i know He has amazing things planned. things that i wouldnt have ever thought possible. and i absolutely love surprises. =]

im going to go bowling now.
with some of the most amazing people ive ever known.

this cold air brings in such a distance to us.

i am so glad this semester is almost over. you have no idea. seriously, this has been the worst semester of my life! school work wise. the whole band season thing was pretty amazing. until we got to the bad part. haha, but you already know that story. i think i want to get some things out about a few people. i havent done that in a while. and i have some things on my mind. im not putting names for my own sake. but i really dont mind if youre going to try and figure out who is who. apparently, i want someone to hear me if im putting it on here.

1. You are still my everything. and i am still completely amazed at how good You are to me. im still incredibly thankful for Your grace. and im still completely in love with who You are. this will never change. i will change. and i will probably change more than i want to. but You will never change. and this is why You will always be my best friend. i love You so much more than i have ever loved anything. and i like that security.

2. you guys left two years ago. and all of a sudden youre back as if nothing ever happened. im so glad to have you back. i dont know what happened in you guys' lives while you were gone, but whatever it was i hope it was for the better. and so far, it seems that way. i still love you guys a ton. and your kids make me just as happy as they always have. i hope yall are here to stay. and i hope your family is completely open to Gods will. because we all know thats that only way to be trully happy.

3. we have been best friends for a while now. and im so glad we've gotten so close. you really are an amazing person to be around. everyone loves you! so i guess i should count it an honor to have you call me your best friend. =] but i honestly dont feel like i know you. i understand that secrets are important. and that you cant always feel comfortable telling one person everything about your life. but because i feel like youre keeping secrets from me, i feel like we've drifted. maybe thats just me. but we possibly have less than 2 years together and i dont want them to go to waste. i want you to trust me. i really do.

4. i think you are replacing her. and im not sure how i feel about that. i love her! so much. and i love you. but we have plans. plans that we are both really excited about. at least, thats how i see it. thanks for loving me. i know im not easy to be best friends with. ha. thanks to the both of you. i just know that our future holds a lot of good times. and im excited about it. i can see us being best friends for a really long time. and i am willing to teach you what i know. even if it isnt much. =P

5. what the heck have you done to me? i doubt you want to know, but ill tell you anyway. i know exactly what i want. and ive known it since august. and this is the first time in a long time that ive known what i want. and its still the same. however, it seems completely out of reach now. almost like a fantasy. or a celebrity crush. and yet, i want it. and i want it bad. ever since we went to lunch on that august afternoon and you laughed at all the stupid things i did, i knew that i wanted to be near you. that i wanted to fall in love with you. yea, i said it. and for some reason i cant get you out of my mind. and until someone better comes along, i wont be able to. maybe you should know that. im not sure. but if you happen to read this, then you do. the few memories that i have with you are a few of the best. and they make me want more. but it seems so far gone. please, let me know if im wrong. i know what i want. and you want the life you have. which doesnt include me. but dont worry about me, ill be fine. because if its not you, its someone else.

6. im hoping that you dont want more than what we have. because i really like being your friend. you tell it like it is. i feel like we can be completely honest with each other. and now when you graduate we will probably never talk to each other. haha. but, im glad we have gotten the chance to know each other. just, dont screw this up by thinking things that you have thought before. haha, if you get my drift.

ahhhhhh i have exams this week. but thats ok. im ready to go to church tomorrow. but im not ready to finish my history homework. even if it is the last history homework i will ever have to do! ah, that feels good to say. haha.

i saw Juno today. it was pretty cute. but i think i was expecting it to be cuter. id heard super good things about it. i guess people just have different tastes in movies. dont get me wrong, though, it was good. they were super cute together. but that one guy was a jerk.

meagan's gonna be here soon. i think im gonna go play some guitar or something. maybe ill write something new? maybe not. who knows.

i wish i could talk to you. i dont know anything about you anymore.
it sucks.

and our eyes can see far better now than then.

wow. what a day. what a weekend. i have to admit it had its good points. it was mostly good, thats for sure. theres only one thing. one small, or not so small, thing. but today has been the best day ive had in the last... at least month. and because of today i can say with complete honestly that i am trully trusting Him with it. even though i have no idea what it is. but its something, i know. and i really hope it means nothing to you. i hope its something you dont want. because im hurt that you put yourself through it. and ill be even more hurt if you do it again. youre worth way more than that. but, im sure you know that.

symphonic band camp was fun. i was looking forward to it. but a lot of people werent. i guess they have lives. where as my life consists of mostly band. its something im passionate about. but if i had other commitments and other passions then i would probably be the same way. but they lived through it. and we made good music together. =]

i cannot wait to go to Carnegie. seriously, its going to be an amazing experience.

im content with moving on. because thats what you have to do in life. but the good part is we're promised that it will all be okay. and like luna lovegood says on harry potter and the order of the phoenix, "the things you love have a way of coming back to you in the end." thats probably a bit paraphrased but you get my point. and today i had proof of that. they came back. ha, my God has such a way of showing that things are going to be okay. that He's going to take care of every little thing. that i shouldnt be worried. and i honestly believe that promise. with everything thats in me, i believe it. and im so thankful for who He is. and how much He cares about me. enough to show me the little things. and make sure that i know that itll all end up okay. how can there be anything more worthy of devoting your life to?

i cant wait to go back to church. and im so excited about what He has in store for just the next few hours that i cant possibly concentrate on anything else. i know that youll be affected. theres not way you cant be. and you have no idea how excited that makes me. i dont have to worry about you or anyone else. cause my God has shown me that He will change me. and when His love is able to flow through my veins and flood out of my mouth and in every single action you will be affected. there is nothing more attractive than love. and His love is way more than anyone could ever imagine. its completely irrational how much He loves every single person that has lived on this earth. so irrational that you cant help but be drawn to it. trust me, you cant run from this. no matter how much you try.

im so exited. im on such a high. gosh, if only we were so overtaken by His love every day. could you imagine? could you imagine all the people we could affect? could you imagine all the broken hearts that can be completely mended with His love working through us? we all have broken hearts. my broken heart is mended. im happier now than ive been in sooooo long. i dont want to lose this. but i know that if i do, He will still be right here waiting for me to want it back.

ahhh, i have nothing more to say.
my God is indescribable.

by the way, i have a job.

=]

but then again its all up to the way you want things.

so i have no idea what just happened. and i may never know. but then again, thats life. full of surprises whether you like them or not. and as for this one, im not sure how i feel about it. you have your reasons. and i cant help but think they arent what they should be.

its the new year. finally 2008. im turning 18 this year. thats got to count for something. nah, im very excited. i love new years. because i love new chances. and this year is going to be completely different. i can feel it. not to mention the huge change that we're all involved in with pace gone. a lot of things arent the way i expected them to be for 2008. but that makes me all the more excited. because God has surprises. and these im not scared of.

i think im going to bed. i stayed up this late for a reason i shouldnt have. and now i want to go to sleep even more. ha. that makes no sense, i know. but im tired. and tomorrow i have homework to do. we go back thursday. i seriously need to find something to get me excited about school. its not healthy to dread it so much. it doesnt help my "turning the bad into good" effort of the new year. prayer works. i should definitely try it.

goodnight.