A toast to all things new ;

So, this is it. The last few hours of 2009 are finally here. I literally can't believe it. This year went by so extremely fast. And it seems that the person I was at the beginning of the year is so drastically different from who I am now. My life is different in so many ways. And yet, some things are the same. Which I am thankful for. They keep my sane.

I can't begin to go into detail of why this year was so epic for me. There are just a million and one things that have gotten me to the place I am at this very moment. I know I didn't always make the best decisions & to know that I am no where near too far gone at this moment is such a blessing. I have a chance to do better. A chance that I so want to take. If I have a will strong enough to change, God has given me that opportunity. And, boy, does He deserve for me to take that chance. And I would be so stupid not to. So my prayer for the new year: strength.

I have no idea what it's going to feel like when the clock strikes twelve. I wish I knew what kind of emotions I am going to have but I just don't.

People aren't necessarily liars. Life does get complicated. And it gets complicated quick. I've seen that happen so many times in the lives of those around me. Those I'm close to. All in the span of 12 short months. And, sure, it's gotten pretty complicated for me too. But I just can't help but see my life as one huge blessing. I really thank God for that outlook. I wouldn't be me without it. And I couldn't imagine living life any other way.

At this point in my life it seems like, more often than not, I'm trying to catch a glimpse of what's ahead for me. I think another goal for the new year should be for me to enjoy these next two semesters of college. It's always good to keep the end in mind, especially when I get discouraged, but I shouldn't let another year pass me by while I'm frantically looking for what my life is going to hold five years down the road. I need to learn to enjoy every moment. Not just for myself, either. Imagine how many people I would pass up who simply needed to be loved if all I'm concentrating on is my future. That's not what I'm called to live for. God will take care of my future for me. It's good to know I can trust Him with my life. It's just not always that easy to let go.

My parents and I are leaving the house in less than thirty minutes so I reckon I should get ready. Did I mention I can't believe 2009 is over already?



Lord, I need you in 2010 more than I've ever needed you in my entire life. Stay next to me, please. I can't live this life with You. I never want to go a day without the joy and the peace You provide. Give me the wisdom I need to reach others the way You're calling me to. Because I don't know the first thing about people. Teach me how to love. Teach me how to live.

Yours forever,

Hannah <3

A little on the bored side ;

So, I don't really have much to do. & it's not even ten yet.
I have my itunes up so I thought it would be kind of neat if I searched the song titles of the next ten songs that pop up on shuffle.
The most interesting image that comes up (& has something that remotely relates to the title) I'll post.
Yea, I am that bored.
:)

1; I Will Always Love You Whitney Houston

I picked this one because it is just an amazing book. :)

2; God Of Our Yesterdays Matt Redman

I love watching nature do it's thing. It really is awesome. It always reminds me of just how big & powerful my God is.

3; Take Me Home After Midnight Project

I want a puppy, I do.

4; California Copeland

I love Disney. Do you really need another explanation? ;)

5; Sadie Hawkins Dance Relient K

I chose this one because I went barefoot at my prom. Didn't even bring my shoes in. & I wouldn't have had it any other way. :)

6; Tonight FM Static

I just like it. & it feels like the song.

7; Walk By Faith Jeremy Camp

I just think this is beautiful. & it's like a family. All in one mind. All living for the same purpose.

8; Mr. Sensitive David Cook

I'm sorry. I think he's beautiful. Haha.

9; So Cold I Could See My Breath Emery

This is somewhere I would never choose to live.

10; Turn My Swag On Soulja Boy Tell'em

Haha, a light switch. That's clever.

Well, that successfully killed time. It's now almost eleven. I'm not sure if I'm gonna try to stay up to hear from my boyfriend tonight or not...

At any rate, I hope you all had a great Christmas! I know I did. There's something about the holidays that just gets me so ridiculously thankful for all I have that I can barely keep it in. It's like everyday I'm waking up wondering if it's truly possible to be this happy. It really blows my mind. Constantly.

Tomorrow is church day. Although, it's only just the morning service. Which is better than nothing. & I am excited that we won't be singing any more Christmas songs. I'm so very thankful that God sent his Son to save us but I do love my normal worship songs. It'll be good to be in His presence tomorrow, that's for sure. Even if all I'm doing throughout the service is saying "Thank you!" I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't want to hear that, anyway.

Jared's gone until the 2nd. Sure, I'd love to bring in the New Year with him. But it's not the end of the world. And it's not something I'm going to fight for, either. Who am I to ask him to break his traditions? There's no way I would do something like that. It's just a silly American holiday anyway. Just because I don't kiss him at the stroke of twelve doesn't mean our relationship is going to fall apart in the coming year. There's more to it than that, Thank the Lord. And it's good that my parents get me to themselves for a whole week, as well. I hate that when I come home from school I hardly hang out with them. There just isn't enough time.

I am so excited about the trip to the mountains. Like, seriously. I really want it to get here for the reason of going on a trip & seeing Jared again. But at the same time I don't want to rush it because that means it'll be closer to time for me to go back to school. Which, at this point, is something I'm mostly dreading. I'm hoping that'll will change. I should probably change the hoping to praying. That always proves to work a little better.

I should go. This blog is probably ridiculously long.
Have a great night. :)

It's the most wonderful time of the year ;

I saw this picture & had to use it. It reminded me of the year we moved into this house. We were moving over the Holiday break so we didn't have the time to put up decorations and stuff. I remember drawing a Christmas tree on paper & taping it to the wall of my old house so that we'd have something to put the presents under. I was 10 years old. & boy was life simple then. Ha. The truth is my life is simple now. At least compared to everyone else, it seems. I see the things my friends are going through and I can't help but feel like everything is handed to me and handled for me. I mean, yea, I have my problems. Heck, I'm not going to have a vehicle for the next eight months. But that's nothing compared to the problems other people have. It's only a car. I was blessed to have it as long as I did, even. It's not that I'm asking for a hard life. I'm just floored and how easy I have it. God has been so gracious and merciful to me. And for what? It's not like I've done anything to deserve it. I just don't understand. Then again, I don't think I'm supposed to. Oh, the wonder of my God.

Anyway, it's almost Christmas! I'm so excited. And for the first year it's not because of the presents. Heck, I don't even remember what I'm getting. And I really don't care. I'm looking forward to waking up & watching the parade with my parents, enjoying the delicious meal my Mom's going to cook, and just thanking God for all of the amazing people I have in my life. And I'm so thrilled that I get to see Jared! I really didn't think I was going to be able to. With him having so many family things going on we barely get to see each other over the holidays. As much as I would love to spend them with him, I'm okay with it. I don't feel like there's a need to rush things. And I'm so glad that we got that cabin for a few days up in the mountains. It'll be good to hang out with friends and just relax before the new semester starts. It's going to be a doozy, I know it.

Speaking of school, I got my grades in yesterday. I did fairly well. Especially for not putting in a whole lot of effort. I had 5 As, one A-, one B+ and one B. My GPA is a 3.667. Everyone seems to be really proud of me. I thought it was going to be a lot harder in college. And, I guess, in a way, it is a bit more challenging. And I'm sure it'll only get harder from here. So I better buckle up for the ride. It's important for me to stay focused and keep my head out of the clouds. Which is kind of hard when you have the most amazing boyfriend on the planet. But that is a risk I am willing to take. ;)

I haven't gotten my check from playing at graduation yet. I'm kind of getting anxious about that. I know it's not much but when someone says they're going to pay you, they need to pay you! It's just a little frustrating. I am thankful, though, that I'm getting paid at all. I guess I should be saying that instead of complaining about it. Man, it is so hard trying to be perfect. Haha.

I'm pretty much on cloud nine right now. Today has been wonderful. My whole life is just incredible. I wish I could live it the way I'm supposed to. Because God deserves nothing less for all that He's given me. But like I said, it's hard trying to be perfect. And I fail more often than I succeed. But my God is gracious. And I am oh so thankful.

Immersed in the greatness of space ;

I know, its been entirely too long. I apologize. The past few weeks have been crazy busy, though, with Thanksgiving and the end of the semester. Speaking of the end of the semester I am so glad its almost over! Just one more exam tomorrow morning & I'm home for break. :) Of course, I do have to come back up next weekend to play for the graduation ceremonies but at least I'm getting paid for that.
I think, overall, my first semester of college has been a success. Especially for me not knowing exactly what to expect out of it all. I have no doubt that I'm pulling As and Bs in all of my classes. This is encouraging to me since I know I could have put more effort in. So, maybe if I try harder next semester my grades will be even better. I really need them to stay the way the are so that I can keep my scholarships. I can hardly afford what I'm having to pay now. I guess, technically, I can't even afford that since I have a couple of loans. But I am very thankful I can go to school. That is for sure. :)
I can't even tell you how excited I am about spending a whole month at home. Well, roughly a month. I haven't spent more than a few days at home since the summer so this should be great. I'm sure, though, that it won't feel like enough time. But a month is better than a week or two. No doubt about that. I want to watch a lot of movies. And just enjoy the company of my family and friends. That's what makes the holidays great: the people you get to share them with.
I need to start packing some of my stuff up. That way I can leave as soon as I finish my writing exam tomorrow. And then after I pack some I need to study for that exam. I say study but its more like prep work. I need to figure out what I'm going to write about and get an outline & stuff worked out. Hopefully doing all that work will help me get in & out of there quicker AND get an A in the process. Ha.
Yea, I should go pack. I'll try to update a little more often over the break. In theory, I should have a lot more time to do so but you know how it goes with trying to catch up with old friends and what not.
Ah, I'm thrilled. :D

I just can't hold it in ;

Okay, so I'm 19 years old. I'm a freshman in college. I'm not yet legal to drink. I'm young. I don't think anyone would argue that point.

My feelings are huge. They're fast and they're strong. They are pushing me way past my age. Every day they want to get stronger and stronger and I am deathly afraid to let them. At this point I feel overwhelmed. Like I can't contain everything my feelings entail. It's almost like, they aren't just feelings anymore. There's more to them than I can even explain.

I always knew that being in love was a big thing. I always knew it would be life-changing. It would be worth anything. The idea I had about being truly in love was immense. But to actually be in love. That is completely different. It's even more than I imagined. And its something I can't explain. I'm sitting here and I'm wanting to explain how I feel and I just can't. The right words won't come. There aren't any words that are right enough to show you how I feel.

The scary part of all this is that I don't know what my future holds. This feeling is beyond anything I could have ever asked for. This feeling is forever. I have no doubt that this feeling is as real as real can get. But life is not perfect. I live in a world that has proven to me that even the best things in life don't always last. Why is it so hard to trust in this incredible feeling? I want to put every single thing I have into this and I want to know that I'm not going to end up heartbroken in the end. But I can't. Why can't I?

Sometimes I wonder if it was easier before. This world has gotten so complicated.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I wouldn't want to change a single minute of my existence. Every moment has led up to this point in my life. Where I am happier than I've ever been. And at the same time I don't remember ever being this afraid. I don't want to be afraid to lose this. I can't be scared of losing him. And yet I am. But all of this is worth it. There's no doubt in my mind. No regrets. He is more than worth it.

I catch myself planning my future. The action is usually not intentional. I just have a thought. A perfect thought. I can see things so clearly. I can see how everything will fit together. And even though I didn't mean to fabricate such a desirable image, once I've seen it, it's hard to let it go. My prayer is that I don't have to let it go. I want, more than anything, for my vision of the future to be a reality for me. I don't deserve it. That is more than clear. But it just seems so right.

I keep screwing up. I keep telling God that this time its different. And then I just go back to doing the same old thing. I'm scared that if I don't truly change, everything I love will be lost. God is the glue that holds everything together. Without Him there is absolutely nothing. I can't risk it. If I don't put God first it is almost guaranteed that my future will not be a reality. Once I can actually get this concept, maybe I won't be so afraid anymore.

But there should be more to that. There should be more to me desiring to do God's will. Shouldn't there? It should be out of pure love for my Savior.

I just need to keep pushing. From day to day. Eventually, I will figure this out. At least I know that God isn't going to leave my side. That's one thing that I don't have to be scared of.

I wish I was tired enough to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow.




It's hard for me to believe that anyone, including you, knows how much you really mean to me. <3

You alone can make my soul take flight ;

So, I have been eating constantly. I keep trying to tell myself that if I really want to stop gaining weight I'm going to have to stop eating so much. But I feel hungry pretty much all the time. This is just another reason why I hate winter time & I love summer time; In the summer I hardly have an appetite. Is it summer yet?

The past couple of days I have been extremely lazy. I really haven't done anything except for watch TV. So tonight, I'm going to have to get to work. I have a research paper to write. I need to have most of it done before my writing conference on Tuesday afternoon. Man, I'm so looking forward to Tuesday afternoon. I get to go home. Unfortunately I have a good bit that I have to get through before that glorious moment. Including a lesson on Monday. I don't think it'll be too bad, though. It should actually be good. As long as I get my lazy butt up to practice tonight. And tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I get to eat dinner with my sweety. :) Oh, & Robby. He'll be there, too. But he's not near as important. Ha. I'm kidding? But, no, I'm excited. It's always nice to see him. I'm so proud of how I've handled this "long distance" thing. I say "long distance" because it really doesn't feel like we're that far apart. It might have been a lot worse if I only saw him once a month or something. But the most I've gone without seeing him, thus far, is two weeks. It's been easily handled. I am looking forward to Christmas break, though, when I get to be home for a few weeks straight. That's going to be nice. This college thing isn't too bad. I think I'm actually going to be able to do it. As if I had another choice. Ha.

Ugh, school work. Did I mention I didn't want to do it? Because I don't. Just three days. Then I'll be on vacation. I'll try to keep that in mind for motivation to keep pushing. I wish I weren't such a procrastinator. I wonder when I learned that. I don't remember ever not being one. Ha. That sounds like a problem. One that's probably too late to fix.

I watched Pinocchio today. I miss Disney. It was the first time I'd watched a Disney movie in a few weeks. I figured it was worth putting of my work for. Then again, it doesn't take too much for me to put off work. I'm a mess.

New Moon was great, by the way. I can't wait to see it again. Hopefully I'll see it on Wednesday morning with Jared. It all depends on what his plans are. We don't leave for Alabama until one so I figured we could make a 10:00 movie. And yes, I checked. There is in face at 10:00 movie. :)

Tuesday night when I get home we're going to put up Christmas decorations. I am absolutely thrilled about that! I love love love Christmas. Not to mention, my best friend is coming over to help out. Well, to watch & eat cookies & drink hot chocolate. Hopefully we'll watch a Christmas movie too. Yay.

I think I've done enough procrastinating. I better get to work.
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.
:)

Now we can swim any day in November ;

So, on the way to Chick-Fil-A tonight, Amanda informed me that it had been way too long since I'd written. So here I am. She was right, it has been a long time. I don't know why I haven't written. I guess I've just gotten sucked into every day life. Nothing too exciting has happened, nothing worth venting about, at least. I'm still as happy as ever. Still learning how live from day to day, however. I doubt that will ever be mastered.

Today was a very relaxing day. I was able to sleep in until a little after ten. Maybe that's why I feel so good right now. Usually I'm ready to pass out by now. Have I used this rare energy to do any school work, though? Nope. Some things never change. And they only will out of necessity.

Tomorrow is a very exciting day for me. And Amanda. :) We have tickets to go see New Moon at 12:01 on Friday morning. I am seriously thrilled. It is going to be quite the movie. And it should be fun to spend that time with Amanda, as well. It always is. She's pretty cool. I think we may be friends for a while.

Next week is Thanksgiving. Can you say "Holy cow amazing?" I don't know what that means exactly. It's just excitement. I love Thanksgiving. I love seeing my family. I love the food. I love the shopping. I love going to the movies. I love feeling the presence of God in a way that I can't help but continuously thank Him. When I'm with my family I am always reminded of how blessed I truly am. I couldn't have been placed with a better group of people. I love them so extremely much. <3

Other than seeing New Moon, nothing too exciting is going on this weekend. I'll mostly be working on school stuff. The semester is coming to a close and there are things that just need to be done. I'm pretty please with myself on how this first semester has gone. The only thing I regret is not getting into a practice routine. Hopefully that will be something I get better at next semester. Because it seems to have caused me some extra stress. My grades should come out pretty good. Of course, I guess I should wait until I take my exams to make a statement like that. But, then again, if I've done well this far I don't see how I could bomb the exam.

I want to go read Eclipse. :) And plus, my typing is probably annoying my roommate who is trying to do a paper. I do have a new roommate. You probably weren't aware of that. She's nice. I think we're going to get along just fine.

Goodnight.

My life has never been this clear ;

I am still quite happy. For those who are curious. :)
I haven't written in a while so I thought I'd update. What's new? Happy November! I love November. In a few short weeks it'll be time to go to Alabama and celebrate Thanksgiving with the family! Thanksgiving is literally my favorite time of year. It kicks of the holidays. Which are always fun. If it wasn't so cold during this time of year I'd say everything would be completely perfect. I guess it's good there are a lot of festivities going on. It makes it easier to ignore the colder weather. At any rate, I'm excited.
This weekend me & Amanda are taking a road trip to SC State to the 5A marching band state championships. Yay. It's going to be really fun. We're planning on listening to Christmas music on the way there. Did I mention I love Christmas? Haha.
I get to see Jared too. Which is always good. Things just seem to be getting better with the two of us. It makes me extremely excited about our relationship. I try not to get too excited, though. I'd hate to be horribly disappointed if things don't work out. Things tend to change when you least expect them to. It's not that I'm being pessimistic, just cautious. At any rate, I'm in love with him. And if I could, I would choose to spend every waking moment with him for the rest of my life. Those are pretty strong words, I know. But it's how I'm feeling. That doesn't mean my feelings aren't capable of changing. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. Who am I to predict the future? I can promise you that is one thing I am not capable of.
So Wednesdays are the best. I only have two short classes & it leaves a lot of free time to catch up on work or just relax. This week I really haven't had much work to do which is great. I've been to two recitals already this week. I may go to one on Thursday as well. Apparently we're supposed to go to ten each semester. How many have I been to? Four. How many weeks are left in the semester? Roughly four. Ha. I may come up a little below ten for my first semester. But I will try. :)
I am enjoying life. Very much. I'm glad I finally got into the groove up here in Rock Hill. I'm having a good time. I can't stop thanking God for all he's blessed me with. It truly is amazing.
I'm hungry. Time for lunch? I think so.
Have a great Wednesday! :)

Listen to this song to make your heart feel better ;

I am happy.
Really. Like, I look through pictures of the past & the present & I realize how good I have it. I have so many ridiculously great memories. And I have so many more to look forward to.
I overreact sometimes. About a lot of stuff that really doesn't matter. But the next day always comes and leaves the past in the past.
I have a million reasons to smile today. My heart feels so full.
My life is a tremendous blessing.
Thank you, Lord, for the promise of a new day.
:)

Some will say we're headed for destruction ;

My Fall Break was pretty amazing. And my God surprised me with a glimpse of hope that I wasn't expecting. One that lead me to believe everything I was fighting so hard for was really worth it. A reminder that He is God and He can work in mighty, mighty ways.

I don't know everything. I barely know anything. But I do know what I want. I know that I am in the right place. I'm not perfect. I don't always get the details right. The small things aren't always neatly placed in a straight line like they should be. But I'm working on it. And I'm looking for direction. From God. I want my relationship with Him to grow. I want to learn more.

Every person has a different perception of things. No two people see something in exactly the same way. Let alone are two people able to feel exactly the same towards that thing. People are wired differently. And although God has set out a set of rules, or guidelines, for everyone to follow, I don't believe everyone interprets them in the exactly same way. Perception is subjective. There is a point, however, where perception can cross a line that shouldn't be crossed. The thing about that line, though, is that it has been crossed many times. And people have learned so much from simply crossing it. Rarely is that line crossed on purpose. But the line does serve a purpose in so many lives. Will I have to cross that line to learn what I need to learn? I hope not. But there's no way to tell. The cool thing is that you can walk right back to the other side. Not without scars, of course. But then again, the scars can be healed.

I have a vision for my life. I have a promise given to me by my Father. I have a glimpse of what my life can be. I am daily learning how to get closer to that future. I am not perfect. But God will continue to love me. And I will continue to love Him. No matter what.

I can't help but feel alone. But I know that I'm not. It's merely another hoop I have to jump through. As soon as I can get up the strength to jump.

Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright ;

I miss having that hand to hold. I miss being able to run to my parents room when there's a storm in the middle of the night. I miss not having to worry about my future. I don't even remember feeling scared of failure as a kid. I don't recall worrying about anything. None of my worries ever lasted more than a few minutes.

My future depends on me now. If I want to achieve my goals, I have to work hard for them. I can't get tired & have someone else go through the process for me and expect to end up with the finished product. It doesn't work that way. It's taxing & difficult. A lot more difficult than I thought. Maybe if I were used to discouragement this wouldn't be so bad. But I'm not. Because I haven't had to deal with anything hard my whole life. It's not that I regret that. I just don't want to have to go through anything like this. But, apparently, it's life.

I need this break. I need church. All day on Sunday. I need encouragement. I need a reminder. A boost from My Father. If He really wants me to do this, I need a real refresher.

For now I just need to get through this Writing midterm. After that's over, I can come home. It's hard to look forward to coming home with a crucial midterm looming over my head. Not to mention my lesson.

Lord, I really need Your help. I'm fading and I have less than 24 hours left. I can't afford to fall apart. Not now.

Wise men say: "Only fools rush in." ;

That, my friends, is indeed a supernova.
& it is exactly how I'm feeling.
The fact that my heart is still inside my chest is a complete miracle.
I am bursting.
Ridiculously in love.
With my boyfriend.
With my Jesus.
With my life.

<3

For God to give so willingly to someone who doesn't deserve a bit of it;

I don't understand.

But I accept it.

I am ridiculously in love.

I think I can't, but I think You can ;

It is a beautifully rainy day here in Rock Hill, South Carolina. I don't much care for the rain. I don't much care for cold weather. I do, however, get a good bit of satisfaction from the peace I have inside me.

Never underestimate my Jesus.

I love waking up every morning knowing that what I'm doing now is getting me one step closer to where I need to be. That this process is what will lead me to doing what I've been called to do. I'm studying to do something that I will love.

Why try to rush things? Yes, the thought of marriage and being a mom really excites me. But that is so far away. Right now I'm here to get a degree. I'm here to learn about myself and about what I believe. And maybe, just maybe, throughout the whole process I can be a vessel to show the love of God to everyone I come in contact with.

Focus isn't usually a consistent characteristic. Its not meant to be easily achieved. It takes a lot of mental dedication. Something I've never really believed I had too much of. My focus is renewed every day. I can't start my day without asking for a reminder of why I'm here. I even found myself, this morning, thanking God for the blessing of being in the situation I'm in. It occured to me that I hadn't once thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to even go to college! How selfish is that? It's a ridiculously amazing blessing that I do not deserve. But God has a purpose. And after all He's done for me, who am I to deny that purpose? I'm living for the sake of His love.

I like this feeling. The feeling of being complete. Sometimes I get a hint of dread at the moment when this feeling will fade. Then I realize that's a waste of time. Because even if the feeling does fade, it will be back. My God never changes. He always stays the same. He's always waiting for me.
He is, and always will be, my rock.

"If I lose my magic, that means I've lost absolutely everything."

So, I asked Chantal if I could steal her idea of posting pictures in my blog. Of course, plenty of people do it. I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't take away from her original blog style as a whole. She doesn't mind. I didn't really expect her to. She's a good friend. :)
Today is Friday. Friday's are good days. Always laid back. Today I went to Psychology. Which is a great class, by the way. I have literally enjoyed every single class we've had. Then I came back, ate some lunch & watched Kiki's Delivery Service. Hence the quote and picture. It was the first time I'd seen it. Quite cute. So far all of the Studio Ghibli movies I've watched, I have enjoyed. Kudos to my boyfriend for the awesome birthday present! ;)
Today I have a few things to that I have to do. But I don't have to worry about going to class. Not to mention I really don't have any homework for the weekend. I have to do a reflection for the play I saw last night. Which was a lot better than I thought it would be. I don't know what's wrong with people. They said it was awful. It was extrememly cold in the theater, but awful, it was not.
I also have to read a chapter for Music Tech. But I have until Tuesday to do that. Actually, probably at least a week. Although I am planning to do that this weekend, I'm not worried about it. As for today my only solid plan is meeting Amanda at Subway for dinner. Sometime around that I need to do laundry and practice and workout. The dishes will take like two minutes. And the taking out the trash is something I can do on my way out. I sure do love Fridays. :)
As for tomorrow, it is going to be quite a day. We're playing a concert in front of Byrnes at one. I have to be there an hour early, though, to warm up and what not. My parents are coming to listen. I'll be excited when that's over. It's probably going to be warm and we have to wear all black. So, I'll make sure not to forget my deoderant...
After the concert, I'm gonna grab some lunch with my parents. Then coming back to Lexington with them. I was really disappointed that I didn't get to see White Knoll perform at Irmo last weekend since it was called off. Silly weather. I decided to come back with my parents so I could go to the Silver to see them. Although, they're only playing exhibition, I still get to see them. I'm sure they'll do amazing. I mean, they're White Knoll, duh!
After the competition, Jared's going to bring me back up. Then we get to spend a little time together before he has to go back to work Sunday afternoon. That should be good.
The weekend kind of snuck up on me. This week went by so fast. It's the first week I can say that I've honestly enjoyed. I hope it stays that way for a while. If I have the desire to keep my attitude right, then it will. The key ingredient, of course, is the Holy Spirit. I just have to keep wanting Him. After seeing what He can do, I don't see how I could not want Him!
Anyway, I've been kind of in the nap mood. So I think I'm gonna go on and spend a little quality time with my bed. :)

He never gave me a reason to ever doubt Him ;

The past two days have been incredible. My God has shown up like I never thought He would. I knew He was perfectly able. I just didn't believe I deserved it. Because I don't. I was expecting to spend weeks in prayer, seeking God with all that I am, begging to feel his presence again. It amazes me how, after my borderline rebellious attitude, that it only takes a few sincere words to feel close to Him again. I have felt so alive the past couple of days. Realizing that I couldn't go on the way I was, I didn't want to fight to breathe anymore. Not only did I want to breathe, I wanted to live again.
Yesterday morning at church we sang "Beloved". My first encounter with the Holy Spirit was the first time I heard that song. I remember kneeling & crying out to God, feeling him wrap his arms around me and tell me He wanted nothing more than to have a relationship with me. I felt that again yesterday. I was reminded that God loves me so much. So much more than I will ever deserve. Despite my attitude, He still has a plan for my life. A huge weight that I had been carrying, uneccesarily, was lifted off of me as I let the tears flow.
I said it before & I'll say it again; My God works miracles.
His grace is far more than I could've ever imagined. Knowing, from experience now, that He really is only a prayer away. No matter what I've done, if I trully want to be near Him all I need to do is ask. Who wouldn't want that?
Today has been filled with everything that the past few weeks have been lacking: Joy. Peace. Confidence. Motivation. Strength. Everything I've been trying to achieve on my own. All it took was a broken cry to my loving God. The One who never wants to see me struggle the way I was struggling. The One who was just waiting for me to realize I needed Him.
The difference in me in astronomical. & almost instant. I cannot get over how incredible He is. I am constantly amazed by who He is.
I know that I will face plenty more struggles in my lifetime. I may encounter some before the week ends. But right now I'm on a high. I've experienced God's grace in a completely new way. I hope I don't forget how He can change me. Because I need Him. I can't live this life without Him. & the fact that He wants to walk beside me every step of the way is completely irrational. How can He love me that much? I don't know, but I don't have to. Because He does. & that's all the matters.

Thank you, Lord, for a new day.
One filled to the brim with everything You are.
I couldn't ask for more.
<3

I know now You're my only hope ;

It's important to not forget who you are. And what you're about. It's important to remember why you're here. To not lose sight of how it felt the moment you knew you were picked for a specific purpose. The feeling of significance and the excitement that came with your future impact on the world. Once that's forgotten you become completely lost. It slips away so slowly sometimes that you don't even realize you're leaving it behind. You wonder why you suddenly can't breathe. Why it feels like you're constantly struggling to make it to the next day.
All it takes is one little crack for the lies to seep in. Just one mention of what you've been working towards falling completely apart to make you rethink you're whole idea of life. Once that takes a hold of you everything you once were is torn apart. You're values and beliefs are slowly eroded away. It takes a miracle for you to see that you're losing yourself. My God works miracles. He believes in me.
A small reminder of my purpose in this world brings my head above the water. I'm reminded of the steady process that is prayer. The power behind which is unbeatable. To so easily forget who I am is scary to say the least.
I can be who God wants me to be. And His promises are not a joke. He will do what He says. I need to believe that. & I need to live like I believe it.

If I could choose, its only you ;

The issue is I don't want to have to choose. Because I may end up making a huge mistake. So right now, I'm not choosing. After a week or so of fighting with myself, I've come to the conclusion that things don't need to go any where. They can stay the same for a little while longer. We could all use more time, anyway.
The fear of things falling apart is what keeps me close to Him. I don't feel right about that. But at the moment I don't know how to change it. Or maybe I do, and I just don't see it happening. The point is I'm not going to let go of Him. Because He holds me together.

So far this week has been a good one. Things in my life have started coming together. I'm feeling less overwhelmed and I have more of a sense of belonging. It just took some time. Not that I'm exactly where I need to be right now. But, hopefully, it will only get better from here. :)
I'm really looking forward to Fall Break. For many reasons ;
1. I get to spend four whole days in Lexington!
2. I get to see David Cook in concert!
3. I get to go to a Sunday night youth service! (I've missed those kids...)
4. The fair! :)
That's pretty much it. But it will be a nice little break. And hopefully I'll be able to hang out with people that I haven't seen in a while. Because there are people that I miss. Not too many people, though. Haha.

I took my first college exam today! I'm pretty sure I made an "A". That's always a good feeling. :)
My first real essay is due next Tuesday. I plan on starting it Friday. That way I have all weekend to work on it. I've also planned to practice every day of the week except Tuesdays and Fridays. Those are kind of random days but they're just thrown in there to give me a bit of a break. I have a feeling that the practicing thing will become routine rather quickly. It really doesn't take that long. Just an hour out of my day. I've decided that I'd rather practice at night when there's hardly anyone in the building. I don't really like people to hear me. Haha. So tonight I'm going to the West Center for a work out and then to a practice room. And I'm doing that soon. Like as soon as I finish blogging.

I feel like my blogs have gotten ridiculously boring. Maybe because I've had so much on my mind that I didn't really feel comfortable blogging about. So I just wrote a bunch of pointless bullcrap. Haha. It happens, I guess.

I looked up Brad Paisley's tour dates today. He's playing at West Palm Beach on the 17th. That's the day of the David Cook concert. If I didn't already have plans to see David Cook, I would so try to go to see Brad Paisley. Do you know how fun that would be? Amazingly fun. But Jared said maybe next year. I sure hope he goes on tour next year. & that he plays at West Palm Beach. On a date that we can get away from school. Haha, sounds like a lot of things have to happen exactly right in order to go. But, hey, a girl can dream! :)

I need to go shave. I hope this blog was a little more interesting than the past few. For your sake. And my own when I choose to go back and read all my blogs. I have done that before. It took a long time then. It'll take a really long time in the future.

Anyway, have a great Wednesday night! <3

& every now & again sometimes I get lost on the wind of a dream;

I'm sitting here drinking some chocolate milk. It's not even good chocolate milk. I'm basically drinking it because it goes bad like... tomorrow. Ha. And my throat hurts. It's been hurting me for the past two days. I think it's because I've been sleeping with the AC on high? Not to mention my allergies have been acting up again. Boo. It hasn't been a very fun weekend so far. Relaxing, yes. Fun, not so much.
I have a lot of reading to do. That's what I was about to do before I realized I needed to post something. I've already read the book but I don't remember much about it & I have a test on it monday. Other plans for today? I'm going to the West Center at 7 to work out & then going to the Conservatory of Music at like 10 to practice. I slept til two today so I figure I won't be too tired by that time. Maybe I'll wear myself out so that I can be in bed by 12 tonight? Probably not, though.
I just got back from going to Walmart. I now have $9 left in my account. & I have to live on that until Thursday. Good thing I get free meals in the cafeteria... okay, so they aren't exactly free; I did have to pay for them. And if I need something other than food I'm pretty sure I can get it somewhere on campus using Cafe Cash.
I'm super excited about next weekend! It's my birthday weekend in case you didn't know. ;) My parents are coming up, on Saturday probably, to take me out. & Jared's going to try to come up too. Birthday's are fun. The only thing is I have to make sure I have all my work done before Saturday. Which kind of sucks because by the time Thursday rolls around I don't want to do ANYTHING. I've been praying for motivation. Because I have a long way to go. I've been praying for a lot lately. A LOT, A LOT! But that's a completely different story. One I'd rather not get into at the moment.
Anyway, I really should go read. I'm just wasting time again. I'm good at that.
Have a good weekend! :)

I'm thankful that it's You, the solid rock, on which I stand;

I've been told that I should post more often by a certain someone who is abandoning us all and moving to Texas. Texas, of all places. I'm totally kidding. I am extremely happy for her. :)
I just got back from working out. The West Center here at Winthrop is an amazing facility. Seriously, I'm glad it's there. I definitely take advantage of it. And I certainly hope my physical (& mental) health benefit from that!
I am now living by myself. My roomie moved out today. Not only was she my roomie but my best friend. She's been forced to grow up way sooner than she should. Sometimes we aren't aware of how our every day choices can affect what happens to us. Some choices can put you on a path that is the very opposite of the direction you were previously heading. In her case, I hope its just a side road that will eventually lead her back to where she can become the person she wants to be.
Not only has it turned her life upside down but I've found that as soon as I got that call on Saturday I've really had to grow up emotionally. I've realized that nothing is certain. That life can take unexpected turns that may scare the living daylights out of you! I am just so thankful that I have such a relationship with my God that I know my own human flaws. I am so emotionally screwed up without Him and I knew this. The past weekend was an extremely hard one for me. But I prayed. Constantly. I asked for just about everything you could ask for. Strength. Wisdom. Courage. Confidence. The list goes on. I knew that there was going to be no way I could handle it on my own. And I knew if I was having this much trouble that she was probably having a lot harder time. So, naturally, I prayed for her. And I will continue to do so. I know her. She's a very smart girl. Woman. She's going to do the right thing in the end.
I need to do some homework. I didn't do any yesterday because Monday's are so crazy. At least I know now not to plan anything besides going to class on Mondays. All I wanted to do after my last class was go to sleep. And that's exactly what I did. Sleep is good. Naps are awesome. I believe they are a college necessity. :)
I hope everyone is enjoying their week. I'm personally thankful that I only have two more full days of class.
Goodnight.
:)

I left a map on your front seat just in case you lose your way;

So, I am pretty much settled in as a college student. Although, it feels like a Saturday since I haven't done anything except sleep, eat, get online & shower. It is a Sunday though. Which makes me miss being at Central to worship with all of my church family. I haven't even picked up my bible today. Crazy. I should read some after this.
I'm not scared anymore. I went through a good deal of stress on Thursday & Friday but now that I'm past it, I feel a whole lot better. & I'm not really having a hard time with being away from home. I don't really think about missing it too much. I thought it might be a problem for me not seeing Jared but it's going well. Like we said before I left; if anyone can do this, we can. We've been through a heck of a lot & a week or two away should be nothing for us. I've realized that as long as I am able to stay busy it's easier for me to keep it off my mind. & I love technology just for the fact that I can text or call him whenever I feel the need to. :)
My parents seem to be doing well. I hope that's the case.
I'm doing laundry for the first time tonight! I mean, I've done laundry plenty of times at home but this should be a different experience.
Jess & I went to see a movie in Charlotte last night. It was like 20 minutes away. It took us like 45 minutes to get home though because we got a little turned around. It was sort of my fault. But it was after midnight & apparently my mind doesn't operate as well at that time of the night... or morning?
I'm not really nervous about any of my classes. Not my music classes, because I sort of just feel comfortable around that subject. & not my ACAD or writing class because Jessica has those with me. I am a little nervous about Psychology though. Because it'll probably be a larger class. & plus I've never had a Psychology class before so I really don't know anything. It'll be fine, though. I'm really starting to feel like I belong here. I am very proud of the decision I made in this school. I think this is really where I'm supposed to be. It's a good feeling. :)
I am coming home Friday, though, & that's something I am able to look forward to. That's probably another reason I don't miss home too badly. Because I know when I'm going to be able to go back. Well, I should probably go do something else. I wouldn't doubt it if Jess was getting annoyed at my typing noises.
Bye bye.

"For we can not do anything against the truth, but only for the truth" 2Cor. 13:8

I move tomorrow.
It finally hit me today.
If it's possible for a numbness to "hit" you.
I feel like I've been holding back tears all night.
But the truth is I can't squeeze any out.
It's like they're just sitting at the back of my throat.
It's only a few weeks, what's the big deal?
I'm scared, that's the big deal.
Yes, I'm scared.
This is no small change.
& I know this.
I admit that I'm scared.
God, I can't do this alone!
I'm ready to get past this being new & different.
I'm ready for it to be normal.
But until then, I am scared out of my mind.

I will be a light in the darkest night;

So I have today & tomorrow. Then I'm off to college. Still crazy to think about but at this point I can say that I'm pretty excited about it all. I'm not even really nervous about my audition on Friday. That's, of course, due to excessive prayer on the subject. I'm usually a wreck when it comes to auditioning. It's amazing what a little prayer will do. ;)
As for today I reckon I will start packing. I hope that tomorrow I can spend the day with Jared. We've been trying to go to the river all week but he's been sick since Friday so his focus has been getting rid of this sickness before school starts. I don't blame him. I don't really want to get sick either. So, he's taking it easy again today seeing as he's running a bit of a fever still. I believe he'll be much better tomorrow & I will have an amazing last day in Lexington. :)
I'm about to get in there & start packing now. I could watch some online tv but that would really be a waste of my time. I'll watch something while I eat lunch. I'm glad I was able to get up around 9 this morning. I woke up with the intention of going to the river but it's okay that it didn't work out. There are a lot of things I can do here to get ready for Thursday & I'm sure it will be a lot less stressful than doing it last minute (tomorrow).
My sheets come in today. Another good reason I wasn't able to go to the river; I'll be here to get those. Not that I expect anyone in my neighborhood to gank them off my front steps, but ya never know! Maybe I should stop wasting valuable time & go do something productive.
I'm a happy person.
This is good.
:)

Now autumn brings the beautiful things;

Well, it's August. Already. I have to admit I have had a really great summer. In the past couple of months I have learned so much about myself & what I want out of life. I can confidently say that I have no regrets about this summer & I am very proud of how it turned out. :)
I leave for Rock Hill in a week exactly. 7 days. Again, it's crazy to think about being a college student. It seems like yesterday I was going to my first band camp. But, ya know, that's life. & it moves quickly, whether you're ready for it to or not. I've been praying to get rid of any college anxiety & I must say it has been working. Instead of being worried about going away, I've had peace about the situation. Not so much of a resigned peace. More of like a nearly excited peace. I know that it's going to be okay. It'll be good, actually. And, where before I was almost dreading the start of the semester, I am looking forward to it. At least, it's getting there. & I'm going to keep praying about it. Because I really don't want to be torn up by nerves. & I'd hate to ever dread waking up & facing another day. That's not the way I would choose to live my life. Make the best out of everything, right?
Tonight's actually the first night in a long time that I've been home this early. Lately I've been out past midnight. I guess I've just been trying to make the most out of every moment of freedom I have left. Ha.
In all honesty I can't even imagine what this next chapter of my life is going to be like. So I think I've given up trying. As crazy as life gets these days I find myself surrendering my life on a daily basis. No one knows more about what's best for me than God does. So, why not just get rid of all the worry, stress & anxiety? I mean He's offered to take it off my hands free of charge! What person in their right mind would turn an opportunity like that down? I can honestly say that I am trusting the Lord with my life. Just thinking about the damage I could do to it on my own... No thanks.
Everything is starting to come together now. I'm almost ready to move in. Ever since I've been praying for a stress reliever I've felt so relaxed about it all. Why is it that we are so stupid sometimes? It takes us getting to the point where we feel so completely out of control before we realize that we don't have to do everything on our own. & it's not like it's a one time thing. It happens at least three times a year. Oh, consistency, how we yearn for you. I doubt it will ever be different. But at least I reach that point where I remember sanity is just a prayer away. I don't know where I'd be without Him. I really don't.
Anyway, I'm tired. And I haven't read a book in like a week. Well, besides the Bible. So I think I'm gonna go read for a bit then head on to bed. Maybe I can actually wake up around ten tomorrow. That would be awesome. I'd hate to waste my last few days at home by sleeping.

This is my desire: To be used by You;

Happy Thursday! What an amazing week this has been. I feel so good. About everything.
Yesterday was mine & Jared's one year anniversary. It's weird saying anniversary because it sounds like a word that belongs to a marraige. Ha. But, no, we've been dating for year now. Well, a year & a day if you want to be specific. We have grown a huge amount. & we've learned so much. I'm really excited about the year ahead. We'll have a lot more chances to grow. & we're both wanting to really make this work. So we'll see how it goes. I know one thing: I am definitely in love with him. & I am going to be wearing my knees out praying for our relationship. Because it would be amazing to be able to spend the rest of my life with him.
I'm also reallyyyy excited for Sunday. I can't wait to be back at church. & Zack better be there. He was there last night but I was at Carowinds with Jared so I didn't get to see him. He promised he would be there so if he's not I will be quite upset.
Mom's birthday is Saturday. I'm not sure what we're doing exactly but I do know that whatever it is, it will be fun. I'm excited. I like hanging out with my parents. I'm glad I'm growing up.
On a sadder note, I just got word that Nelson & Shellie were in an accident earlier. I don't know too many details. I'm sure they're alright. But I can't help but have this pit in my stomach. I'm just glad the kids weren't with them. I couldn't imagine losing any of them. It was a scare. I hope they're alright. I'll be praying. You should too. If anyone reads this besides Chantal. Ha.
I'm going to trivia tonight with Jared & his friends. So I should probably go make sure I look decent. I was going to practice tonight. Maybe I'll pull out my clarinet for the next twenty minutes. Lord knows I need to.

We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary;

I don't think I'll ever get the hang of updating this thing frequently. But, hey, at least I'm still trying. :) Life right now is pretty good. I admit I'm a little uneasy about a couple of things but I'm trusting God with the outcome. We had an amazing Spirit-filled service on Sunday night. It changed me. Nelson said something that made me decide to really take a leap of faith & live for God instead of flirting with Sin. You see what I was doing was this: I was going as far as I could go without actually crossing the line. & I would tell myself that my relationship was alive & well because I wasn't technically doing anything sinful. But that was a lie. My heart wasn't in the right place. I was staying away from sin purely because I knew I had to. That's not the way God called me to live my life. He wants me to live a life that glorifies Him. What are people gonna see in me if I live almost exactly the way they do. They only difference between me and them is that I'm a virgin. So what. Plenty of people who aren't Christians are virgins. That doesn't mean crap. I'm ready to step out & live my life in a way that God is glorified in everything I do. I want people to actually see Him in me. Not just because I talk about Him but because they can feel Him when they're around me. Like Nelson said, I'm on this earth for a very short amount of time. Compared to eternity my life is but a blip on the radar. Why waste what little time I have trying to get everything the world offers whenever it doesn't last any longer than I myself do? Point is, I feel refreshed. I'm ready to walk in the Spirit daily. I'm ready to feel constant hope, joy & peace. I've been there before & I miss it. I'm sick of worrying about stupid crap all the time. So, like I said, I've changed.

Anyway, Jared just called & he & Robby want me to meet them at Sonic, I hope every one has had a good Tuesday.

Love!

& we wake up to the breakdown of the things we never thought we could be;

hey, howdy, hey! :D
i am sitting outside on my back deck on this lovely saturday afternoon. im kinda squinting cuz im not wearing my sunglasses. i dont want a tan line. those arent too attractive when theyre on your face. lol. at least its a little cloudy. so i dont have to do too much heavy squinting. anywayyyyy...

i havent done too much this weekend. close to nothing, actually. but i guess thats cool. i mean i only have a few more weeks to enjoy a carefree lifestyle. soon itll be time to welcome responsibility back into my life. ha. & although i saw its only a few more weeks its more like... (im counting...) five more weeks. blah. as close as it is i still cant really imagine what college is gonna be like. i guess ill find out soon enough.

i think i may be going over the jareds tonight. not to hang out with him though. ill be hanging out with his sister. he's filming. boo. ill be glad when this movie is finished. although, im sure it wont be too long until they start writing a script for a new one. oh well. its good for him though. to have a hobby. ill admit the main problem is that this time of the month leaves me feeling a little needy. being a girl isnt as easy as you might think. haha. oh look, there's the sun. :)

i need to get in the shower. but i really dont feel like it. gah, im getting so lazy. something needs to change! ive been sleeping til almost 12 everyday. & i rarely do much anymore. except for read & get online. occasionally ill watch a movie. & eat, i do that too. ha. im assuming that while im in college ill be extremely busy. & while i have a slight recollection of being extremely busy & not being too fond of it i feel like thatll be what my lifes about at the time; school. & itll be okay. cuz ill be too busy to miss home. at least thats what im hoping. & when i come home itll be a nice little break thatll make me thankful to have a home to come back to. :) ah, who knows whatll it be like? why am i even trying to figure it out? blah.

im running out of money quickly. im thinking about coming into the office for a couple of days next week to get a little extra cash. im starting to get a little worried that i wont really have what i need for my dorm stuff. im already having to take out student loans for $3200. which reminds me i need to get on that. first thing monday. i hope i can remember that...

well, i dont know how much longer my battery is gonna last & i really should go take a shower. since i may be going out somewhere tonight & there's no way im going out looking like this. plus the dogs next door are really annoying me with their doglike noises. haha.

i hope everyone has a great weekend. :)
im out!

pull off the bandage, there's no wound;

so i've been disappointed in myself a little bit lately. i mean, i've been posting a blog like once a month. that has got to stop. im gonna try to post every day! orrrr every other day? its just getting out of hand. i used to love doing this. what happened?!

i guess i could say A LOT has happened since ive posted a blog last but its so far gone now that there's really nothing to talk about. i guess the most recent news is of my personal growth. my recent realization. & since it is the hype of my life at the moment i would love to talk about it in this blog but its a bit too personal. just know that i have made a decision that i am very proud of myself for. a mistake i may have ended up making sooner than i would have like has been avoided for the time being. sure, God was practically screaming at me to get me to realize it was more serious than i thought but, hey, He got my attention didn't He? yes, He definitely did. i seriously dont know what id do without Him.

i just got back from greenville. i went up there with my parents for a little reunion. it was just a few people from the youth group they taught when i was like three. it was kind of weird because none of these people have really seen me since then. a little awkward. but it was on the lake. & the sun was out. & i had some amazing barbeque. so i guess it was alright. the trip home sucked, though. it seemed like it took forever. not like i had anything to rush home for; jared's doing his little filming thing. i hope i see him tomorrow before he goes into work. im starting to miss the kid. that part of college will definitely suck. but ill live. :)

anyway im gonna go make a pb&j & watch some episodes of greek. hopefully ill be back on soon. i know this one was kinda short... im sleepy.
hope everyones july is going well so far.
peace.

brad paisley, backgammon, & an allergic reaction;

wow. its been nearly half a month since ive updated. a lot has happened, i guess. im blonde, a high school graduate, & nearly $1,000 richer. haha. as for that job, no one ever called me back. so i wont be working this summer after all. i reckon thats a good thing. i think itll take a lot of pressure off of me.
i have orientation up at winthrop next week. i feel like i should be more excited about it. & going off to college in general. but to be perfectly honest i feel like the past few weeks ive been living completely in the moment. maybe thats not a good thing. but i dont have any regrets. & its not like ive made any life changing decisions. lets hope it stays that way.
i really enjoyed sunday morning service this past week. i felt close to God again. sometimes i dont feel so close & sometimes i do. i wish i always did. its really something im trying to work on. but with this whole living in the moment thing it sometimes doesnt work out too well. maybe im losing sight of whats really important to me. but at the same time i know thats not true. i know that when its all said & done, my faith & hope in God is the last thing im ever letting go of. because no matter what i do, i know that there's only one consistancy in my life & thats Him. what breaks my heart is that i dont always acknowledge that fact. & He is worth so much more than that. His patience with me is absolutely astounding & i am oh so thankful for it. i wish i could show it more often.
i went camping this past weekend, in case you didnt know. it was the first time since i was like four. i had a really good time. it was an adventure. i havent been too adventurous throughout my life & i like the way it feels to take a crazy risk. hence my whole "living in the moment" phase. haha. i imagine a lot of graduates are having the same feelings at this point in their lives. but i wouldnt know exactly because im not them. all i know is how i feel about life. & im trying to take these next couple of months one day at a time. because i want the memory of this summer to last forever. which is funny because in the scheme of things this summer may turn out to be just another summer. with absolutely no significance. somehow i find that hard to believe right now. but who knows what things will turn out like in the next ten years. not i.
its nearly eleven. i need to switch the clothes over like my mom asked me to. & i have a bit of a busy schedule for tomorrow. not to mention ill only have a few hours to do it because i dont plan on getting up at a specific time. maybe my body will be good to me & be well rested by ten. that would be nice. anyway, im off. i hope people still read these things...
goodnight. <3

after all this time, i never thought we'd be here;

well, howdy. how ya doin?
so i tried to take a nap earlier but it didn't work out. i couldn't sleep. i dont really know why. but i hate it when that happens. i wanna talk to my boyfriend. i dont remember the last time i did. other than text that is.
holy cow, guess what! im going blonde tomorrow. how crazy is that? really crazy, i know. im actually pretty nervous about it. but im sure it wont be like hideous. so itll be okay. at least, i think im going blonde. as long as jessica's not mad at me anymore. i think she'll be fine. if she is mad, however, i dont think ill have a problem making her unmad. maybe if she'd check her facebook every once in a while... geez. lol.
jared doesnt get off work for a while. i think i may go get some chips & queso and watch an NCIS or something. i wish it was monday. because then i could watch the bachelorette. & i love the bachelorette. i know, im a weirdo. but hey, i wouldnt exactly be me if i wasnt! :)
church picnic tomorrow. its been a while since we've had one of those. it makes me excited, though, because i like playing volleyball. it makes me feel good about myself. even if i do suck at it. im gonna be blonde though. & people are gonna talk to me about it. thats the only thing thats gonna suck about changing my hair color: drawing attention to myself. blah.
next week i get to start planning all the stuff for my party. im excited. not as excited as i was, though. cuz now my family isnt coming up for graduation. & i was reallyyyy looking forward to that because i haven't seen them since thanksgiving. i miss them. lots. but, its okay. i'll see them eventually. plus im not too sure im ready for them to meet jared yet. its nothing against him, of course. im just... not sure im ready. lol.
speaking of jared, he invited me to go to the beach with his family next month. i would love to go. i just dont know how its gonna sit with my parents. & plus i really need to find a job. & it may not be good for me to take off. i would love to not have to work at all this summer. it would be so awesome to just enjoy my senior summer. but, unfortunately, there's college stuff that needs to be paid for. & im sure ill still have plenty of memorable moments in the next couple of months.
yes, im done with high school. forever. its an extremely weird feeling. i dont even know how to digest it quite yet. but maybe after i walk across the stage it will all make a little more sense to me? who knows...
anyways, chips & queso. sounds like a plan.
peace out.

we'll look back someday at this moment that we're in;

happy saturday!
its been quite a while since ive updated, hasnt it? not like anyone really reads these things anyway. haha. maybe a few people.
so its kind of storming. i dont like storms. they make me nervous. at least its not a severe storm. id be extremely nervous. especially since im home alone. :(
i have done absolutely nothing today. i didnt even get out of bed until one. which means i slept for like 15 hours... holy cow. i just realized that. thats crazy. thats probably a new record, actually.
i wonder if my allergies had anything to do with it? those things are really really annoying me. i dont know when the "season" will end but i hope it does soon. cuz allergies are quite miserable. take my word for it.
so i feel like a lot has happened within the last month. not really around me so much as inside of me. like emotionally and whatnot. there's a lot going on. & most of it i dont really want to share. im going through a pretty huge change. its all really crazy actually. almost overwhelming. there's no telling what kind of person ill be in the next few months. i feel like its going to be for the better though.
jess & i visited winthrop again yesterday. im really glad we did because i was beginning to feel nervous about the whole college thing. going up there got me excited about it again. its going to be a good experience for me. & i know that whats meant to hold together while im away will. there's so much i want to say. but i wouldnt feel right about saying it right now. not while the person who needs to hear it first has yet to hear it. i dont know when ill be able to say it, either. i hope soon. im sure a lot will be said, learned, & discovered this summer. am i nervous about that? a little. i really don't have a clue how this summer is going to turn out. i do know that itll be the most memorable summer yet. & its going to change my life. i dont doubt it. in what ways, there's no way to really tell. its going to be a short few months. maybe too short. & in it will be moments that seem to last a lifetime. whether good or bad. im not scared. whatever happens for the rest of my life, i wont forget to keep pushing on. there's too much to life that's worth living. & i dont ever want to forget that.
i have a feeling that most of what i just said made absolutely no sense. haha. but when it comes to what was in my head, i know exactly what im talking about. :)
im starting to like country music. that probably doesnt mean anything to you. but to me, for some reason, it means i really have completely changed. ive realized so many things in such a short amount of time.

eight more days of high school.
22 days until i graduate.
marching band has started as of this weekend. & im not a part of it. i never will be. my time is up.

it seriously is time to move forward. im on my own. my parents have taught me so much over the past eighteen and a half years & now its my turn to take those lessons to heart. to chose whether i believe in them or not. my intention is to keep living life the way they taught me to live. i know ill make mistakes. but i dont want that to ever hurt our relationship. & i know they love me enough to not let that happen.

its a good feeling.

i should probably go clean my room now. i dont like the lightening... :/

carry all your thoughts across an open field;

well, hey there!
its been a week or so since ive updated so i figured now would be a good time. i was in the living room watching the little mermaid but lee came & him & my dad decided to watch the mummy. in other words, i got kicked out. so my plan was to come in here & just watch it on the laptop. then i got online to check my facebook & whatnot & decided i would get on here & chat a bit. just because i can. :)

these nails are getting quite annoying. i hate typing with them. i hate texting with them. i cant even open a can with them. well, i can. it just takes like 10x longer than normal. im planning on taking them off saturday.

we're supposed to dress kinda nice for the trip to atlanta tomorrow. i dont really know im gonna wear yet. im sure i have something. just flip flops & a t shirt are out of the question. which sucks because thats pretty much what i wear every single day. ha. i guess mr turner just wants us to look a little less ghetto than we really are. im sure he has a reputation he needs to keep up.

i finished that nicholas sparks book today. The Choice was the name of it. it was really good. & im glad it had a happy ending. for the last fourth of the book i was scared it would not end happy. i was surprised. :)
i think now im gonna finish the harry potter series. i was on book four when i started twilight so i guess ill start there. i wasnt too far into it so ill probably just start at the beginning. its a big book. the only thing is im dreading taking it to school everyday. its huge. ha.

i need a job. im almost desperate. i say almost because if i was desperate i would be marching my tail back up to wendys. im trying really hard to get a retail job. or just anything besides something that deals with food. if anyone knows of anywhere thats hiring that would be great. until i hear back from someone about a job, im gonna start looking for babysitting opportunities. after all, i like kids. :)
& ive made a mess with my bank account. my parents have been extremely compassionate & they fixed it for me since my source of income doesnt exist. so the sooner i can pay them back the better. but like i said, im not ready to come crawling back to wendys. i really despise working there.

23 days of school. how awesome is that? ive realized lately that theres really no way i can predict the way my college career will play out. i dont know how ill feel about any of it, honestly. im excited about moving on. but for the first time since the whole excitement started, im started to get nervous. kind of scared. i think its just cuz im unsure. i dont know whats gonna come next. i dont know if anything i see in my future will actually be there. and even though i know that it will be totally okay if thats the case, its all i know right now. & thats always scary to think about losing.

its nearly seven, which is when i said i was gonna be going to bed tonight. i do want to finish the little mermaid before i call it a day, though. i know im a nerd. you dont have to tell me. ;)

im a little nervous tomorrow. but im actually more prepared than i was for concert festival so it should be perfectly fine. after all, its my last band trip ever. i should really try to enjoy this one.

wow, life flies by doesnt it?
crazy.

& i dont know why, i cant keep my eyes off of you;

what a spring break!
let me tell ya, i had a good one. everything that i love & more was all packed in the past few days.
well, without disney world. but thats okay.
God is doing some amazing stuff.
the weather has been amazing.
well, besides the storm this weekend but i dont wanna talk about that...
im falling more in love with Jared every single day.
my friends & i are getting closer.
there are only 31 days left of high school!!!!
prom is this weekend!
i mean, seriously, at this point it cant get much better. :)

im really enjoying life.
& before i go to bed im gonna spend some quality time with my Jesus.
He is the ONLY reason i am so happy with the way my life is going.
& without Him there would be absolutely nothing worth living for.

HAPPY EASTER!
:D

threesixty.

i wrote a new song tonight!
its the first time ive picked up my guitar in a really long time...
i thought id post the lyrics for you guys.
even though it always sounds cuter when i play & sing them. ha.
yea? yea.

here ya go;;

catch your breath
take a look around you
take it all in
i will catch you when you fall
farther than you wanted

take a look
at who youve turned to
and how they ran away
you are free to turn to me
once youve made a 360

i dont have much to offer you
but here i stand anyway
the future that youve planned for you
ill only stand in your way
the choice is yours to make
the risk is yours to take
just know that im here to stay
you cant drive me away

catch your breath
i will catch you
take a good look
you are free to turn to me
once youve made a 360

spin around, spin around, spin around
spin around, spin around, spin around
[not so sure about that part yet...]

if you get dizzy dont you worry
i will catch you in a hurry

just know that im here to stay
you cant drive me away

if you get dizzy dont you worry
just know that im here to stay
i will catch you in a hurry
you cant drive me away


anywho, it goes something like that.
it was nice to write something after such a long time.
even if it isnt the best thing ive ever written. ha.

there's a wave that's crashing over me;

& all i can do is surrender.

so i spent a lot of time at church today. & i was reminded of alot. one thing is that sure, im saved. & if i were to die right now i have no doubt that i would be going to heaven. but as a christian i have a choice. i can accept Him and just do enough to get by & still feel good about myself OR i can actually live for Him and act in ways that will glorify His name. and although the world gets busy and i find myself really comfortable with where i am, i just dont have peace without knowing that im living my life full out for the One who is gracious enough to give me that choice in the first place.

pastor chitty talked about six verses in the new testament that contain the words: "make every effort to". to me, those words seem like they would only precede something really important. a few of those things i have been lacking lately. like the second; obtaining and offering forgiveness. i usually have never had a hard time forgiving. but i realized today thats because ive never really been seriously hurt before. until lately, when i felt degraded and disrespected on a completely new level. ive been holding a grudge. & its been hurting me, i can tell. so i guess what i need to do now is talk to that person. although, i never want to be walked all over and, like everyone else, id like to be respected and appreciated, forgiveness is a big thing. its not something i, or any other christ seeker, can avoid. its pretty vital to a progressive relationship with God.

but this is a good thing. it means im actually making a sacrifice of myself for once. i dont feel like ive had to do that too much. its almost like everything has been handed to me over the past eighteen and a half years. although, i know thats not completely true i know that ive had an extremely blessed life. so i guess what i should be praying for over the next couple of months is the strength and wisdom to make the right choices went times get tough. because if you ask me, theyre only getting worse from here.

maybe im wrong. but at least ill be mentally prepared.

i was really comfortable at central today. i didnt expect to be. i guess i was wrong about that stage of my life being over. i believe ill have many more memorable weeks at that church. after all, just because im going to college doesnt mean i forget about family.

speaking of college, its definitely getting closer. i graduate in two months. and in two more months ill be moving to rock hill. i wonder what im gonna be feeling when its time to pack up and leave. i dont know if ill be excited or sad. although, im sure ill be both. half of the time i dont even know what im feeling at all, to be honest. either way, the whole college thing is going to be an experience and im anxious to see how its all gonna work out.

prom is in two weeks. it should be fun. we didnt get a limo because we're all broke. well, me and jessica are. but we're riding in an escalade. unfortunately i have to drive it. i might be driving something like an old person. but we'll get around in style at least! haha, sure...

im kind of tired. and im probably going running with jessica around one tomorrow. at least, i hope so. i need to start doing something active. i also need to start eating better. one of the things im looking forward to about college is access to the gym. that should be good for the both of us. lets just pray that we're disciplined enough to take advantage of it.

maybe i should go on to bed... ive been up since 730 anyway.
have a great night, loves!
:)

run away & give me your sneakers;

i'm in love.
i didnt know if you guys knew that or not, but there it is.

i need chapstick. so maybe i should get off my lazy butt and go and get some... sounds like a plan...

so im sitting here on my bed. doing pretty much nothing. its nearly midnight & i have no clue what im doing tomorrow morning. i dont know what service im going to. i dont even know what church im going to. heck, i dont even know if im going to church at all! i guess i could make that decision on my own, but for some reason i dont really want to. i just kind of want to sleep and wait until my mom wakes me up and gives me choices. is that so wrong?? ha.

my dad was in the hospital last night. he has a history of heart problems in his family. they ran some tests and stuff. they said he was fine. im extremely relieved. i dont know if i can deal with all of that. and one day i probably will have to deal with stuff like that. but now wouldnt be a good time. at this point in my life my parents, besides God, are my only true security. my world really would fall apart.

i think the school year is gonna go by really fast from here on out. which makes me happyyyyy. i dont know how much more i can take. i think im more excited about summer than college to be honest. though, i am excited about college dont get me wrong! im just looking forward to the freedom that summer brings. the freedom that i can experience with my best friend and my boyfriend. whom i love. dearly. i hope i have those two in my life for a really long time. :)

i have iss on monday. how crazy is that?? i got caught for skipping band last week. the ironic thing is that i was actually skipping for a good reason for once. usually we just skip to go out to lunch or just cuz we feel like it. i had to get my graduation money from the house. and i got caught. sucks a little. but at least it gives me time to do some make up work. and i dont really have to do my homework tomorrow because i wont be in class monday. see, theres always a positive. ha.

we only have two weeks until spring break. yay. :)
my plans for spring break are pretty simple so far. i know me and jess want to go to the beach for a day or two. we probably wont stay overnight or anything since we aren't exactly rich at this point in our lives. and we also are gonna go find a new job. wendys hasnt scheduled me for like a month. but im actually okay with that because i absolutely hate working there. i havent decided, though, if they do put me on the schedule for this up coming week if im gonna go ahead and work or just quit. i guess it all depends on how i feel. i may be in an "i need money" mood. or i may just be in a "ugh, i dont feel like going into work" mood. chances are it will be the second one. especially since im expected to get my tax money back any day now!

i also ordered my phone today. which is amazing. i cant wait to have a phone that works. i really am getting tired of this one cutting off all the time.

i think im tanner now than ive ever been. which is really weird. kind of scary, actually. since ive only been tanning for a week. but ya know, im gonna die eventually, right? ha. kidding... maybe.

i feel kind of tired. but i dont feel like going to sleep at all. hence the writing of the blog. but maybe i should go to bed... blah. i dont know. i dont really have anything else to do except for watch a movie. and as soon as i put it in ill fall asleep. so i might as well just go on to bed now.

have a good night.
:)

i let Your hand become my help;

i dont have a lot of time. in fact, i should probably already be done with my homework and headed to bed by now. but im a senior in high school; what am i good for if not to procrastinate?

here's the deal. im going through something. i really am. my mom has been sick for a while now. soon after i had my dizzy ordeal she started it too. the only problem is hers causing other things and sometimes these things are a lot scarier for her. and for the rest of us. i try to play it off by saying things like "oh, you're a freak, its all in your head." because a lot of her stuff is psychological. but that doesnt change the fact that shes hurting. shes really sick and no matter how much i play it down its there. and its a struggle for her, its a struggle for my dad, and recently its proven to be a struggle for me. i dont know how much more of it i can take. its like every other day shes laying on the couch sick and i just get so aggravated that theres nothing i can do. shes been to the doctor and they havent done crap for her. we're just racking up bills and no one knows whats going on. and im fed up. i really am. and yea, im praying, and i know if anyone can fix my mom, God can. its just hard for me. i love my mom and i dont ever want to see her in pain. i know im a cause of extra stress, especially with all this senior stuff going on. i just dont know how to handle this. all i can do is pray. im not gonna lie, its hard.

and although there is probably a lot more on my mind, i really need to get my homework done so i can be prepared for school tomorrow. i find i sleep better when ive done everything thats due the next day.

that's about it for this one.