I just can't hold it in ;

Okay, so I'm 19 years old. I'm a freshman in college. I'm not yet legal to drink. I'm young. I don't think anyone would argue that point.

My feelings are huge. They're fast and they're strong. They are pushing me way past my age. Every day they want to get stronger and stronger and I am deathly afraid to let them. At this point I feel overwhelmed. Like I can't contain everything my feelings entail. It's almost like, they aren't just feelings anymore. There's more to them than I can even explain.

I always knew that being in love was a big thing. I always knew it would be life-changing. It would be worth anything. The idea I had about being truly in love was immense. But to actually be in love. That is completely different. It's even more than I imagined. And its something I can't explain. I'm sitting here and I'm wanting to explain how I feel and I just can't. The right words won't come. There aren't any words that are right enough to show you how I feel.

The scary part of all this is that I don't know what my future holds. This feeling is beyond anything I could have ever asked for. This feeling is forever. I have no doubt that this feeling is as real as real can get. But life is not perfect. I live in a world that has proven to me that even the best things in life don't always last. Why is it so hard to trust in this incredible feeling? I want to put every single thing I have into this and I want to know that I'm not going to end up heartbroken in the end. But I can't. Why can't I?

Sometimes I wonder if it was easier before. This world has gotten so complicated.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I wouldn't want to change a single minute of my existence. Every moment has led up to this point in my life. Where I am happier than I've ever been. And at the same time I don't remember ever being this afraid. I don't want to be afraid to lose this. I can't be scared of losing him. And yet I am. But all of this is worth it. There's no doubt in my mind. No regrets. He is more than worth it.

I catch myself planning my future. The action is usually not intentional. I just have a thought. A perfect thought. I can see things so clearly. I can see how everything will fit together. And even though I didn't mean to fabricate such a desirable image, once I've seen it, it's hard to let it go. My prayer is that I don't have to let it go. I want, more than anything, for my vision of the future to be a reality for me. I don't deserve it. That is more than clear. But it just seems so right.

I keep screwing up. I keep telling God that this time its different. And then I just go back to doing the same old thing. I'm scared that if I don't truly change, everything I love will be lost. God is the glue that holds everything together. Without Him there is absolutely nothing. I can't risk it. If I don't put God first it is almost guaranteed that my future will not be a reality. Once I can actually get this concept, maybe I won't be so afraid anymore.

But there should be more to that. There should be more to me desiring to do God's will. Shouldn't there? It should be out of pure love for my Savior.

I just need to keep pushing. From day to day. Eventually, I will figure this out. At least I know that God isn't going to leave my side. That's one thing that I don't have to be scared of.

I wish I was tired enough to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow.




It's hard for me to believe that anyone, including you, knows how much you really mean to me. <3