but this one i cannot claim even if i wanted to

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

despite so much thats been gnawing at me lately, i have had just that. and i am so thankful. i spent the weekend in Mobile, Alabama with what seems to be my greatest blessing ever. and i really believe that. my family is absolutely amazing. and getting together with them this weekend was the best thing that could have happened to me this christmas by far.

saturday night we had christmas. we did what we used to do every year, but we havent had time for lately. they will probably never know how extremely thankful i am that we had time for it this year. but it wasnt like it used to be. no, this time i understood it. i understood the meaning of family. i understood why i loved being with my family so much. the overwhelming feeling of joy, of peace, of love. of everything that God is. i saw it in my family. i felt it when Will was reading the christmas story. when we sang "hark the herald angels sing", "o come all ye faithful", and even "we wish you a merry christmas". i felt it when we took communion. and when we began to talk about it, i knew everyone else felt the same way. i cant explain it. it was amazing. my God is amazing.

then the next morning, we went to church. the church that ive been too so many times but can never remember who those old people are that come up to me every year and tell me how much im growing up to look like my mom. i hate that. its awkward. but this sunday was different. this sunday i walked into that church with my family and when worship started we worshipped our amazing God with all we had in us. because we knew we had so much to be thankful for. and being there worshipping with my family, was an amazing feeling. knowing that these people have the same desires that i have. that we all strive to live lives that are pleasing to God. that we long to be used by Him. that feeling, its incredible. and i dont even think i can explain it. not even in the least bit. but if theres some way that through reading this you feel His peace, His joy, or His amazing love, then i am overjoyed. because ive found this feeling and i dont want to lose it. and more importantly i want other people to have it! if you dont understand what im talking about or you think ive lost my mind, search for this feeling! search for the answer to whatever your question is. you need it. trust me. the only thing out there thats waiting for you if you dont have this is hurt and disappointment. and ive been there enough. i dont want to deal with it anymore.

this weekend in alabama was exactly what i needed. and God knew that. He got to me. boy, did He get to me. and i am absolutely in love with Him for it. im not worried about anything anymore. not a thing. im just excited to get back around people so they can see His love, joy, and peace in me.

im serious, if you dont have this... you cant not have this. pick yourself up right now and go looking for it. if you look for it and you really want it, youll have it. please, if you never listen to a thing i say, listen to me now. God wants you to have this feeling just as much as you want it. even more. because Hes just that good.

=]

i am genuinely happy. for the first time in a while.


I'm not one to pass the blame
But this is one I cannot claim even if I wanted to
There's something happening
There's something going on with me
And I think I like the view from where I'm standing

You are to blame for anything that is good in my heart
You are to blame for this change that has taken me by storm

There's one thing I am wondering
What exactly do You see that makes You want to stay?
I don't deserve Your attention
Why would You ever mention me?
Why You're treating me this way remains a mystery

And I feel like I can fly
Knowing I am Yours
And knowing that You're mine
I cannot ask for more

i'm getting no reception on my heart radio

Remember i told you "in life and death"
Don't bury our secrets
They will not tear us apart
Because love means going this far
Even when the ending is only the start

If you dive into the ocean then i
Will be the wave around you tonight
And if you're sinking, then oh, it's alright
Because i will be the ghost who is at your side

Remember, you're demons will surface and fight
But i will be a good phantom
And keep on romancing this cold little devils tribe
And hold them away while you are escaping into the light

So tell me where you've gone by now
I'm getting no reception on my heart radio
Now meet me where the angels collide
And i will be the ghost who is at your side

Yeah
Now i'm changing, i'm changing, i'm changing
Oh i'm changing for you now

When you dive into the ocean alive
Oh i will be the ghost at your side
If you fall into the devils tribe
Oh i will be the ghost at your side
And when anywhere the angels collide
Oh i will be the ghost at your side

Now dive into the blinding light

i like music. especially music with meaning. and this... like a lot of the other songs i listen to... has meaning. because i like deep thinking. and im in love with emotions.

tomorrow is the last day of school before winter break. absolutely nothing is going on except for winter days. and if it werent for the fact that ive most likely missed too many days already, i would just not go. well, thats not true. because i have this chemistry project that i have to over break and its only on my g drive. so i need to remember to bring my usb tomorrow so i can get that. that sucks. because i stink at remembering things.

christmas is a week from today. and i am so glad. christmas is one of those times where you cant help but feel warm and fuzzy despite what kind of crap is going on in your life. it also helps you realize whats really important. and that the crap youre going through is almost meaningless. and believe it or not, that helps me feel better about myself. ha.

and i think i will leave on that subject. in fact, i think im gonna go in the living room with a blanket and some hot chocolate and put on a christmas movie. because its way too cold out for this to be south carolina. and because ive been too busy lately to watch christmas movies. its possible im still too busy to watch one, but i honestly do not care.

and you cant fight the tears that ain't comin'

or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

holy freaking cow. it seems like theres so much going on right now. it almost feels like everything is falling apart. well, it does feel like that. and i dont know how to react to that feeling. for one thing i feel dumb for not being able to push past this. i feel like i should be able to get over it. but right now its like im in this... i dont even know. i dont have the words. all i know is im hating it. all of it. i want the both of you back. and all ive been feeling for the past two days is severe hurt. it hurts! like crap. and its constant. my prayer for the past two days has been, "God, please fix this." thats all i can say. because i dont know how to explain anything. and i havent been able to cry since yesterday morning. trust me, ive really wanted to. ive needed to. but i just cant for some reason. and on top of it all as soon as you walked in the door today it felt like the bottom of my stomach dropped out. and ever since then ive had this knot. i didnt expect any of this. number one, i didnt expect to have these feelings. and number two, i didnt expect him to go. i still cannot imagine what its going to be like without him. i feel lost. im confused and i feel like theres no where for me to go right now. that im just stuck here in this spot. its a completely miserable feeling. and i hate it. its not me.

two years ago... when they left... i remember feeling completely rejected. i remember feeling lied to and abandoned. i remember that one night very well. i remember being one of the only ones in the room who was bawling. i remember him telling me, "please, dont cry." i remember thinking, "i thought you cared, how could you just leave?". but after that day, i dont remember hurting. i dont remember struggling with it. it seems as if i was able to let it go.

i dont know how long its gonna take me to be okay with this. maybe i never will. my heart hurts. more than i ever remember it hurting before. and thats tough. i just want so much to know that you miss us too. i want to hear you say youre proud of us and that you love us. and im not gonna ask you to appologize for the things you did because they always made us stronger. and please dont you EVER appologize for what you did on that saturday afternoon because what you did for us means the world to me.

two months ago i would have never thought this would happen to us. one day we have you, and the next we dont. and then all of a sudden people began to realize what ive known all along. that you were the best we could have ever asked for. i cant believe youre gone.

it hurts. like hell.
or at least what i imagine hell to feel like. cuz ive never been there, and i dont plan to go.

and you, i want to say so much about you. but i honestly dont know what to say. just know that i havent forgotten about you. please, just know that.

& i dont want the world to see me
cuz i dont think that theyd understand
when everythings made to broken
i just want you to know who i am

you gotta pull yourself back together

well, hello there.

i just felt like writing a blog. theres a few things... a few people... that have been on my mind. not to mention ive been kind of aggravated today. and i dont really have a reason to be.
actually, its been this whole week. i havent really been my regular self. i havent exactly been happy. and i dont like it. i dont like it one bit.

the hilight of my week was definitely seeing you. i hope you had an extremely happy birthday. you kept saying how thankful you were that we were there and how it meant so much to you, but to be honest it meant so much to me to just be able to be there. i am so proud of you. and i trully believe, now more than ever, that now is the best time for you to come back to us.

thank you, though, for being there for us. people dont respect you for all youve done and im sorry for that. i wish i could do something to make up for their lack of perspective.

i really like being friends with you. youre an amazing listener and youre one of those people that are completely genuine. i like being able to tell you things and not worry about them getting out. even to your best friend. ;] you need to come back and get un"grounded" so that we can start talking again. i think i have a lot to talk about. but first, do GREAT at your auditions this weekend. and have an amazingly fun time.

asldkfjasdlf.
i dont like not being close. but what am i doing? it wont help to sit here and whine about it. i feel kind of dumb for having high expectations. i just thought there was more to it than this. and the worst part is, none of this is your fault. i honestly have nothing to blame this on. besides the fact that i dont listen to myself in the first place. but, who wouldve though i would have ended up feeling this way? definitely not me.

if youve been telling me the truth lately, i want you to know that im relieved. if you havent been telling me the complete truth, i want you to know that im sorry if ive given you the impression that we have to agree on everything. more than anything, i dont want to see you hurt. and this is what its all about with me.

and you, you told me to not let you do this. and i think that something in you really doesnt want to go back to where you were. but i dont know how i can say no to something that you want. but we both know that this isnt the answer. and we both know its not where you should be right now. so whether you choose to or not, im still gonna love you. but i dont want to see you hurt either. im scared you might not be strong enough.

so im feeling a little stressed. life can get kind of rough sometimes. and this is why i love my God so. because whenever it gets like that i can always feel him telling me to hold on. that everything is gonna turn out fine. it always has. what makes me think hes gonna all of a sudden go back on his promises now? exactly. he never will. talk about something to live for. =]

say my name, i just want to hear you.

heres the deal:

i am perfectly fine without you. in fact, my life is going really great. honestly, i dont need you at all. i could go on with my life not even thinking about you or what "we could have been"... if you want to be cliche about it. and thats cool. it really is. but, it just seems like it would be even better with you in it.
i swear, i dont wanna miss anything. ...i will share the air i breathe. ill give you my heart on a string. i just dont wanna miss anything... i feel like i really mean those words.
but like i said before, i dont need you. im fine without you. im not crying myself to sleep at night because we're not together. in fact im not worried about it at all. i just cant help but think that it would be cool to have you around.

you went to the play. and i went to the play. you even called me to say you were going to the play...
i dont think we said a word to each other.
how weird is that?

seriously, i dont want it to be like that.
but i guess you gotta do what you gotta do.




just my thoughts.

you cant decipher reflections from reality, but neither can i

here i am again. im not sure if i have a specific something to write about. but i feel like writing anyway. despite recent events, im still loving life and all it has to offer me. which is exactly how it should be. and it makes me happy that this isnt holding me down.
my family came to visit this past weekend. and that is exactly why i love thanksgiving. it was everything i had hoped it would be. my life would be so different without them. its weird how i can feel so close to them when i only see them once a year. but i get to see them at christmas this year. not just them, but the rest of the family as well. do you know how happy that makes me? being in a room with my whole family is like a joy overdose. i have so much to be thankful for. im so loved.
ah, school. the last couple of days actually havent been that bad. my grades are getting better, im sure of it. ive been doing most of my work. and ive been understanding stuff. and its reflecting on my tests. which is another reason to be thankful.
ive been thinking about falling in love lately. and how i was kinda ready for that to happen. and i was almost preparing for it, believe it or not. yea, definitely setting myself up for heartbreak. but i said preparing, i wasnt there quite yet. ha. the thing is, though, this past week ive felt so close to God. and again, ive come to the realization that being completely in love with Him is the most amazing feeling in the world. seriously, all the love, joy, peace, everything you could need, its all there. and theres so much of it. its incredible. no guy could ever make me feel that way. and no matter how hard i try to find one that will, its impossible. thats why ive devoted my life to Him. because no one else is more deserving. and i couldnt imagine living for anything else. nothing else sounds even remotely attractive. He really is everything to me.
i hope im doing things right. i hope im loving like You've called me to love. because i know how great being loved feels, and some people dont. and if im not there to love them, its possible that no one will be.
i want to get good at guitar hero. because its a fun game and i dont like being the suckiest one. haha, but i guess it happens sometimes. i also want to go back to disney. that place makes me feel so... happy. ha. but unfortunately, i dont get to go back til christmas of next year. =/
oh that reminds me, i need to talk to my mom about this governers school thing. its a thousand dollars. but i think i can get financial aid? yea right, we probably have to be bankrupt or something. it sounds really cool though. i think id really enjoy it.
ah, i think im basically done with this thing. i hope everyone is having a good... life. ha.

your palms are sweaty and im barely listening

i dont know how private this thing is. but a lot of the time i write like no one else reads it. which is weird because im sure of a few people who do. but i do it anyway. ...i wonder why. i honestly dont know.

i was with you for 5 hours today. but i swear, i never felt so distant. that may sound crazy or just plain immature. but its true. however, i wouldve rather been with you than not. the first half i couldnt bring myself to look at you for more than a second. and then when i thought about you not being there, i couldnt take my eyes off of you. trust me, im just as freaked out by this as you are. if youre reading this, that is. and the last thing i want to do is freak you out. because it seems like what i want more than anything right now is for you to stay. however, please dont feel any obligation about anything. that will only make it worse, i can promise you. being able to get closer to you over the past few months has been really great. and i thank you so much for that opportunity. im starting to feel things that i wasnt expecting. and im not telling you this so youll come running back to me. im saying thank you. you have things to worry about that may just be worth worrying about. and maybe theyre not. but only you would know the answer to that question. anyways, im hoping this isnt the end.

i told my parents that i would be eating dinner with them in 4 minutes.
i also have to go find some khaki pants to wear to work tomorrow. yay, im finally making more money. haha. and meagans coming over later. thank God. seriously, having a best friend is a huge blessing. however, i havent done a bit of homework today and theres no way im gonna have time to do it tomorrow with church AND work. so ill probably be doing it while meagans over. after we go get the pants and talk about girly things. i can already tell you the subject of the night, since she doesnt know yet.

on top of all of that crap i gotta do, im super tired. that getting up at 4 is starting to get to me. or maybe its the whole playing football part. i didnt do much, but i still hurt. haha. thats not a good thing. i need to get into shape.

my food is getting cold.

oh, its what you do to me.

this is weird.
i wasnt expecting it.
and i still dont understand it.
if you could help me to understand it, that would be great.
really.

im disappointed.
and a bit confused.

i just...
dont want to be without it.
its a good feeling.

i wish i knew what was going on inside your head.
that might help a lot.




today was really good.
thanksgiving is really soon.
i get to watch ratatouille tomorrow.
and maybe play guitar hero?

i think i should just chill out.
relax and forget about... everything.

again, thank You for always being there.
You never fail me.
=]

haha, i was sitting here thinking.
and this week makes more sense to me now.

you have no idea how much im hating this.
and im hoping youre feeling the same way.

i will share the air i breathe.

"with every appearance by you blinding my eyes,
i can hardly remember the last time i felt like i do.
youre an angel disguised.

and youre lying real still,
but your heartbeat is fast just like mine.
and the movie's long over,
thats three that have passed, one more's fine

will you stay awake for me?
i dont wanna miss anything
i dont wanna miss anything
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything.

im trying real hard not to shake. im biting my tongue,
but im feeling alive and with every breath that i take,
i feel like ive won. youre my key to survival.

and if its a hero you want,
i can save you. just stay here.
your whispers are priceless,
your breath, it is dear. so please stay near.

will you stay awake for me?
i dont wanna miss anything
i dont wanna miss anything
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything.

say my name, i just want to hear you.
say my name, so I know its true.
youre changing me, youre changing me.
you showed me how to live.
so just say. so just say,

that youll stay awake for me.
i dont wanna miss anything.
i dont wanna miss anything.
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything"


i like that song. i havent listened to secondhand serenade in forever. until like yesterday, and then i realized that they write good songs. especially when youre in such a girly mood. which i must be in lately. because i ate a whole freaking pint of ice cream today. yea, thats ridiculous i know. im not eating for the next 7 days. ha. if only i could actually do that. nah, that probably wouldnt be a good thing.

i think im beginning to get the hang of school again. ive been proud of myself this week. i hope i keep the focus up. maybe even intensify it. i think ive been putting on an act... education really is important to me. i dont exactly know why though. maybe its because i want so much for people to be proud of me. and by people, i mean my parents. and i like the competition of it. ha, i really think thats it. i dont know what these past nine weeks will do to my gpa or anything but i have a feeling that ill be able to make up for it. actually, i know i can. i just have to really want to. so ill be okay in the long run. well, duh. but... i dont know. haha.

i like best friends. and disney movies. and ben and jerrys. and driving. and not having to worry about the future. and, believe or not, i like not always having the answers. yea, i never thought id say that either. lol. but i was talking to jessica today and i just had to say "i dont know what to tell you". and i really dont know why i didnt have anything to tell her. maybe its because im tired of telling people what to do. i feel like im trying to be God. i dont know whats right and i dont know whats wrong. i just know what works for me and what doesnt. maybe im being really "new age" about it, but im tired of trying to figure out things. especially when it comes to God and people's relationships with him. my own is probably way different than anyone elses. but who am i to know, or even judge that kind of thing.

it feels good to have a little break. and yea, that includes not having band. im not sure if i miss it or not. i know what i miss, and thats mr pace. the band people are still the same. we still sound the same when we play music. even if it is concert music instead of marching music. i do miss my freshie claries, though. stupid freshman band class. haha, wow, i dont even know what im saying.

i like being about to be involved at church again. it seems like i always forget how much those people mean to me. because they do mean a lot, and they play a huge role in my life. whatever i was going through earlier was stupid and i feel dumb for thinking the things i thought. i cant leave that church. not anytime soon. thats definitely not what God intended. im so thankful to have parents who know what theyre talking about and im so thankful that ive been blessed with enough sense to listen to them.

you. i dont even know what to say about you. im happy. but you already knew that. and i dont really know whats going to happen. but, i know that this is different then what ive been involved in before. whether or not you agree doesnt matter. i mean, yea i want this to be important to you. but if its not, oh well. theres not much i can do about that. haha. i just want to be around you for now. because for now, thats what makes me happy.

and You. Youre completely amazing.
how is it that Youve decided to bless me with all of this?
how it is that You can be so full of love and mercy?
dont answer that.
just, stay near me.
because there isnt any way i can go one minute without You by my side.

=]

nobody gets us...

"...but thats okay.
its all overrated."


wow.

ok so, bands over.
it went way too fast, and ended way wrong.
but ive been talking about it for the past 24 hours so id rather drop the subject.
its not doing me any good.

im hoping i have a lot to look forward to.

im sick of:

1. homework.
2. judges.
3. football.
4. feeling icky.
5. and never getting to sleep in.

im ready for:

1. thanksgiving.

basically, thats all im promised right now.
i love thanksgiving... i love seeing my family. and this year theyre coming up here. =]
i cant wait to show them our show and how we got severely screwed over.
oh wait, i said i was dropping the subject.

its hard to drop a subject that youve devoted the past 5 months of your life to.

thank you to all of the people out there who care about me.
i love you guys, a lot.
i dont know what id do without you.

hey, lets get to know each other now that we can.
im looking forward to that.

haha okay so i just put a bunch of random thoughts down.
and i think im done.

have a great day.

=]

it can make you face all your fears

i wish i had more time to write...
even though i dont have much to talk about right now. well, i say that, but by the time im done with this i will have probably said a lot. thats usally how it works. things just kind of come out.

the first thing on my mind as well as probably the other 130+ people that are involved with the band: state. gosh, i dont even know where to start. its never seemed so attainable before. i like it, alot. but im scared. ive gotten to the point where i really really believe we can take it. and if we dont, ill be super disappointed. so i guess i have no choice but to put my all into it so that theres no doubt we will win it. it makes me wonder how many other people want it as bad as i do. because we need more than just me putting in my all to beat those other bands. we really are a team. i love it when you call us champions. i love it when youre proud of us. and i cant believe theres only one more week left of this amazing season. i wouldnt have traded it for anything.

seniors! i love the freaking crap out of all of you. im gonna cry friday night. im gonna cry a lot. and then im gonna cry even more on saturday night. hopefully, though, it wont be because of disappointment. i so want to win this for you guys. ya'll are so great and youve worked so hard. i really think this is our year. thanks for being such an amazing senior class! =]

im skipping first and second block tomorrow. im not ready for either one of those tests. and im not staying up til 2 again tonight to study for them. i could barely study 30 minutes ago. im way too tired to make my brain work. and you can probably tell by the way this blog sounds. haha.

im frustrated that i cant be in easy classes right now. im frustrated that all three of my classes require a lot of work. because i cant make the grades im used to making. but i honestly dont think one quarter of slacking will ruin my whole education, so i think ill let it slide. i promise that in a week i will work harder. ill have nothing else to put my time in besides school and it will be my primary focus again. im glad my parents understand that. however, if mrs howell doesnt change the 54 i have in her class im gonna flip. if she doesnt change it on her own, im sure i can get mr pace to. i mean a 54? thats ridiculous. its not the least bit fair to give me a zero because i cant show up to a performance. im sorry, but band is way more important to me than chorus. i just signed up because i didnt have another embeded class. is it bad that i dont have a problem saying that to her face? im pretty bold when it comes to talking to her about how i care about band way more. but she still likes me, so its all good. im pretty sure most of my teachers dont like me. but i dont know why. maybe its because i dont do much work... yea, maybe thats it.

well, i think ive said enough for today.
goodnight, world.


...i just realized i could say a lot more.
and you would probably read it.
but i think ill just wait.

i need you like the rain.

ive missed you. i didnt noticed it that much. but today, i realized, i missed you a lot. you're so completely amazing. how you made this weekend work out to be so great. how i thought tonight was gonna be a waste and you showed me the complete opposite. how i can be so involved with everything that i think is so important in my life and youre just patiently waiting for me to share it with you. how can you be so great? theres so many things i cant comprehend about you. there isnt any word to describe how good you trully are. how much you trully care. and how youre goal is to see me trully happy. but its more than that. so much more that there isnt any word or phrase in any language to express it. you are beyond understanding. and please, stay that way. i need you here. i need you to follow me around when it seems like ive sprinted off the line and left you behind. i need you to constantly be whispering in my ear how much you love me and how everything is gonna work out even when i have so much going on theres no way i can possibly hear it. just to know that thats who you are gets me through the day. just to know that you have supplied me with everything i could ever need. all this crap that i could live without and youve given it to me anyway. nothing compares to you. absolutely nothing. i dont even have to ask you to stay because i know for sure that you will never leave. take me down whatever path you choose. because as long as youre there it doesnt matter. because where you are, i feel alive. i felt alive tonight. thank you so much for waking me up. thank you so much for never letting go. i swear, i wont let you down. i cant let you down. youre the only one i can completely count on and for me to let go of you would be the stupidest move ever. i love you so much. and im sorry for everything ive ever done to hurt you. thank you for my awesome life.


this feeling, you, my life,
its indescribable.

i dont get enough sleep.

i had a dream last night.
thanks to you and your CTD.



...i might finished this later.

im not gonna lie, today was awful.


you are seriously getting on my nerves. im sick of you putting us down for every little mistake we make. im sick of you saying this means nothing to us when to some of us it means the world. im sick of you thinking just because you yell that we'll all get it perfect the next time. im sick of you being so bi-polar. im sick of being around you. and if you continue to do this i will be mad at you for wasting two years of my life. please, grow up. then maybe i can respect you like i did my first year.

i honestly have nothing more to say to you.


on the other hand: band, please stand up straight and march like you know how. you know how to do it. so just do it. dont make us resort to push ups and crap to get you to act right. i have no doubt that you guys can take this band all the way. what i doubt is that you guys want that. and im here to tell you there are people in this band who would give the world to be on top. if youre not gonna do it for your own pride, do it for ours. not to mention i dont want him to yell anymore.


im in a super crappy mood. i dont remember the last time i was this frustrated. i have this huge pit in the bottom of my stomach and the more i think about this the bigger it gets. its a miracle i didnt cry in front of everyone on the field today. i came so close to it.

you dont know what this does to us. youre not helping.


i just need... i dont know what i need.
im gonna go do homework and when 9 rolls around im gonna watch Heroes.
i have to think of something to get mine (and the team's) morale back up.

i cant get over your attitude. im so disgusted.

but then again, maybe its not just you.

ive got a cubbard with cans of food...

"...filtered water and pictures of you.
and im not coming out until this is all over."

i have so much on my mind right now. so freaking much. things are changing. i dont know what, how, or why, but they are. i cant even get things straight in my head. i can seem to put them in any kind of order that would make sense.

honestly, i dont want to go to youth tonight. i want to go somewhere else. i want to go to church to worship God. i dont want to go because ive been going for the past ten years and people would ask me a thousand questions if i didnt go. thats a dumb reason to go to church. and i dont feel like its a good enough reason for me to keep things the way they are. i need something new. i mean im not gonna quit all of a sudden. its something i need to pray about. but i need a break. hopefully my parents will understand.

two years ago i thought moving was the worst idea in the world. mostly because of my church family. it was home to me. and now its so different. the only reason i would stay would be for the band. the band is my family now. and i dont think it should be that way. i want to be surrounded by people who love God more than anything and who continually want more out of Him. thats where im at right now, and the youth group's atmosphere isnt cutting it.

school is going a little better i think. interims come out tuesday and im not sure about having all A's... but as long as i dont have a C ill be fine. at least thats what my parents have told me. ah, i dont want to disappoint my parents. thats the worst thing about feeling like i need to change somethings around. i dont want my parents to think im being rebellious or anything. gosh, i hope they understand.

theres a few things i really want out of life. at least at this time in my life. yes, that could be very dangerous. but i really dont care. ive gotten myself into something that i dont want to get out of. i havent felt like this for a long time. i think this could change things. but no one can tell what the future is gonna be like. they can only hope. as for me, i just want to be happy. and those "things" might just help out with that. but... who knows.



the most exciting things in my life right now ::

1. Heroes starts tomorrow.
2. our first competition is saturday.
3. the river is amazing.
4. the weather is starting to get cooler.
5. God will never fail me.

bad decisions.

so here i am talking to you at 12:12 in the morning.

i shouldve been asleep an hour ago.

but im not.

why am i doing this?

obviously i think theres something worth it.

or maybe you just make me happier than my dreams do.

that statement sounds really cheezy.

but usually that happens.

when im being such a girl.

like tonight.

yea, im pretty sure thats all i needed to say.

goodnight.

theres a better way to clean up the mess youve been making

welcome to a new day.
boy, life changes fast, huh?

i have other things i really should be doing. because in about 3 hours im gonna be participating in the hi-light of my day. carolina football. yes, im excited, but ive already expressed that excitement on myspace.

today is my day off and it felt so good to sleep in for the first time in like 2 weeks. school is really kicking my butt. but breaks are really nice. like monday. i get to go to carowinds with the people who really care about me. gosh, i love my friends so much. i dont see how anyone can get through anyone without having someone who really cares about them. and yes, God cares. and i love him for it cuz he cares way more than anyone ever could. but it feels really good to have someone down here who will never fail to be there for you. and thats why love is so amazing.

gosh why am i so happy around you? im still confused as to what happened to make me feel the way i do. i dont know what it is... but you are always on my mind. and a lot of the times i dont want it to be that way because i dont even know if this is gonna work out! i dont know if you even want it to work out. and that scares me because i really feel good about this. i know its wrong to want all of you attention, but sometimes thats just the way you feel. thank you so much for allowing me to get to know you. and feel free to push me away if you dont want my attention.

this is kind of a short one but i really should do my homework before i get to the point when i dont feel like doing a single thing.

asdlkfajsdfasfj.

theres a dollar on my floor that shows its the least of my worries.

summer is almost over.

looking back on it, i dont remember much. it seems like it was so long ago when we went to disney because it was at the very beginning. and then after that i didnt do anything but work. and i guess because of that the summer seemed kind of boring.

the hi-light of my past few weeks: band. and no, that will not change. not for another three months almost. and i dont care. i love band. i love having something im passionate about. it makes me feel important. i think being a section leader helps a great deal in that area.

school starts on wednesday. and yes, im kind of excited. this year is going to be hard. but once its over its almost like my whole high school career is over. haha. i mean junior year is the most important right? at least thats what im told. if i lose focus now, im gonna blow it. as far as what im blowing i have no idea. i really am lost as to what i want to do with my life. and the fact that a lot of people are all excited about their future doesnt really help me much. i mean, im not scared. i know ill find something and ill be alright. and chances are i will find something i love to do before its too late. just because i know i couldnt live doing something i dont like doing. certain circumstances that ive been through in my short life of almost 17 years have shown me that.

ok, im not gonna lie. youre on my mind. and ive been such an idiot lately that you would have to be blind not to see that. however, if you dont see it that is perfectly fine. because im pretty sure im not ready for you to see it yet.

i wonder who actually reads these things. i can think of a couple people but theyre close enough to know what im talking about... some of them anyways.

we had a lock in last night and i had a really good time. i was tired but being around everyone really makes me happy. i like making new friends and i like laughing with friends that ive known so long i couldnt imagine living without. being loved is the most amazing feeling in the world. and if i always seem to be seeking attention its because im in love with that feeling.

i love all of you and i hope you can feel it when im around you. even when im in a jerky mood. which i try to avoid now a days. it takes away from a lot.

cassie and sheldon are leaving this week. we're having a going away party tomorrow. i think im gonna cry. they really are great people and i love them and their kids to death. i dont cry for much, but it seems that since im getting older and letting myself really care about people its getting harder to not cry. i dont mind crying though. especially for things like this. i will miss them, but im so happy theyve finally found a place for themselves. and i hope and pray they do amazingly well. i know if theyre in God's will they definitely will.

i wonder if when this blows over... if it does... if things will go back to the way they always do with me and the way i feel about you sometimes. cuz right now im having a hard time feeling it. but thats what happens, if i remember correctly. but, i so dont want this to turn out the same way it has before. i need so much more than that.

God, tomorrow is your day. its all about you. and i want to make it my priority to focus completely on you. and maybe, after a little work, i will soon be able to be crazy in love with you. ive always wanted that... i just havent been trying too hard lately. and im sorry.

please, sit down and breathe again

ok so i was gonna do one of those little list things but i think im better off just making a blob of thoughts. haha.

this will be my life for the next couple of months and im perfectly ok with it. i think you have a lot to do with that. which is weird cuz i dont even know you. and on top of that, i dont even know if you want to get to know me. not to mention i feel like i shouldnt get to know you. yes, because im a screw up. you shouldnt talk to me, i dont know what i want.

what is up with guys and girls? why do we always have to want someone of the opposite sex to care about us? it can get real annoying sometimes. to the point where i feel like ill never grow up cuz its always someone here and someone there and i can never make up my dumb female mind. girls are dumb. and so are guys. lets pretend theres no difference and be like aliens.

ok so maybe aliens arent all the same sex. but how would you know?!

ugh i have to do summer reading sometime this weekend. its soooo dumb. why cant we just read the book. they should trust that we read it. and so what if people dont... then theyre dumb and dont graduate. its their own fault. teachers shouldnt care so much. haha.

im excited about registration tomorrow. i hope i get honors parking. i would really hate to walk a mile just to get into the school. that would suck... a lot. especially with how hot its been lately.

im a junior now. how exciting. you wanna know whats not exciting? senior project. its dumb and i hate it. i hope its easy. cuz im really not looking forward to it.

waiting up is tiring. but if im gonna do it, i better do it when i have the chance. like now.

ok so i think thats about it. im so hungry. anyways, have a good tomorrow.

you said you always wanted someone to tell you its ok

i have the weirdest feeling. i cant begin to explain it.

im so happy that i finally got my license. im gonna have so much more freedom.

im scared to talk anymore. im scared of lies that might come out of my mouth. what if everything ive ever promised has been a lie?

i want to make everything ok. and its impossible when i dont know what the heck im doing.

i think we all have this fantasy of leaving town and not having to worry about all the crap thats going on in life. but i think that no matter where you go youre gonna have problems. and if you dont fix the ones youre in right now, the guilt and regret will follow you no matter where you go. which is no fun to think about. it sucks really. but its life. and lifes hard. harder for some than others. and that makes my heart hurt.

i need God more than ever. everything seems so complicated.

im tired of hurting people. and hurting myself by being so easily disappointed.




i hope you know i really do care.

and we all fall down and fall apart.

i really missed kids krusade tonight. alot alot. im so sad its only three nights. and i only get to go to two of them. thats even worse. thats like only 2 thirds!!! haha. but seriously, its one of my favorite times of year. besides my birthday and thanksgiving... and christmas. thats fun too. haha. im so excited to go tomorrow.

its my last day of work tomorrow too. and im only going a half a day. ah, thats great. it was fun working there. and i got payed a very nice amount of money. its been a good addition to my summer fun. but its gotten boring so im glad to be done with it.

meagan and i are going to have a sleepover tomorrow night. we're gonna be pirates. =] thats my favorite part. and then we're gonna come home eat a bunch and play disney games. cuz thats what we like to do. and i like to do it with her cuz she likes to do it with me. she understands. i dont know what it is she understands exactly, but she does. and its nice. its nice to have a friend like that. its nice to be loved like that.




i hope i remember to fall in love one day. it seems cool.

this is the first time and it wont be the last.

this weekend has been overwhelming. not necessarily in a bad way. actually not at all in a bad way.

i sometimes wish i could just watch my life. all the way from the beginning. there are so many things i want to relive. i just want to feel those same feelings again. and it would probably be fun to laugh at some of the really stupid things i did. a few of them that have been on my mind this weekend. i can honestly think of only one thing that i regret. and i honestly regret it. nothing good came out of it. well maybe, in some strange and abstract kind of way. and the thing is... i know so much about what not to do and how to keep from getting hurt and how you shouldnt make a big deal out of random things. but knowledge isnt everything. the only thing it does is make me feel guilty when i dont listen to it. and no one likes to feel guilty. its not even like its a sin. but its like i know that im choosing to learn things the hard way and i dont care.

my life is going to be so much different in ten years. even five. completely different. none of this will matter. but does it stop me? not at all.

something in me wants every little thing to be alright. with everyone. i dont want people to fail. i dont want people to hurt themselves. i want us to all be friends and love the lord with all we are. i want us to strive to please him, together. but that will be an ongoing struggle. because what i just described sounds a lot like heaven to me. which is exciting. but, im just scared some people wont make it. and i dont want my life to drastically change until im certain in their security.

this is a weird blog. but if you know me, you probably weren't expecting anything far from that.