theres a dollar on my floor that shows its the least of my worries.

summer is almost over.

looking back on it, i dont remember much. it seems like it was so long ago when we went to disney because it was at the very beginning. and then after that i didnt do anything but work. and i guess because of that the summer seemed kind of boring.

the hi-light of my past few weeks: band. and no, that will not change. not for another three months almost. and i dont care. i love band. i love having something im passionate about. it makes me feel important. i think being a section leader helps a great deal in that area.

school starts on wednesday. and yes, im kind of excited. this year is going to be hard. but once its over its almost like my whole high school career is over. haha. i mean junior year is the most important right? at least thats what im told. if i lose focus now, im gonna blow it. as far as what im blowing i have no idea. i really am lost as to what i want to do with my life. and the fact that a lot of people are all excited about their future doesnt really help me much. i mean, im not scared. i know ill find something and ill be alright. and chances are i will find something i love to do before its too late. just because i know i couldnt live doing something i dont like doing. certain circumstances that ive been through in my short life of almost 17 years have shown me that.

ok, im not gonna lie. youre on my mind. and ive been such an idiot lately that you would have to be blind not to see that. however, if you dont see it that is perfectly fine. because im pretty sure im not ready for you to see it yet.

i wonder who actually reads these things. i can think of a couple people but theyre close enough to know what im talking about... some of them anyways.

we had a lock in last night and i had a really good time. i was tired but being around everyone really makes me happy. i like making new friends and i like laughing with friends that ive known so long i couldnt imagine living without. being loved is the most amazing feeling in the world. and if i always seem to be seeking attention its because im in love with that feeling.

i love all of you and i hope you can feel it when im around you. even when im in a jerky mood. which i try to avoid now a days. it takes away from a lot.

cassie and sheldon are leaving this week. we're having a going away party tomorrow. i think im gonna cry. they really are great people and i love them and their kids to death. i dont cry for much, but it seems that since im getting older and letting myself really care about people its getting harder to not cry. i dont mind crying though. especially for things like this. i will miss them, but im so happy theyve finally found a place for themselves. and i hope and pray they do amazingly well. i know if theyre in God's will they definitely will.

i wonder if when this blows over... if it does... if things will go back to the way they always do with me and the way i feel about you sometimes. cuz right now im having a hard time feeling it. but thats what happens, if i remember correctly. but, i so dont want this to turn out the same way it has before. i need so much more than that.

God, tomorrow is your day. its all about you. and i want to make it my priority to focus completely on you. and maybe, after a little work, i will soon be able to be crazy in love with you. ive always wanted that... i just havent been trying too hard lately. and im sorry.