or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
holy freaking cow. it seems like theres so much going on right now. it almost feels like everything is falling apart. well, it does feel like that. and i dont know how to react to that feeling. for one thing i feel dumb for not being able to push past this. i feel like i should be able to get over it. but right now its like im in this... i dont even know. i dont have the words. all i know is im hating it. all of it. i want the both of you back. and all ive been feeling for the past two days is severe hurt. it hurts! like crap. and its constant. my prayer for the past two days has been, "God, please fix this." thats all i can say. because i dont know how to explain anything. and i havent been able to cry since yesterday morning. trust me, ive really wanted to. ive needed to. but i just cant for some reason. and on top of it all as soon as you walked in the door today it felt like the bottom of my stomach dropped out. and ever since then ive had this knot. i didnt expect any of this. number one, i didnt expect to have these feelings. and number two, i didnt expect him to go. i still cannot imagine what its going to be like without him. i feel lost. im confused and i feel like theres no where for me to go right now. that im just stuck here in this spot. its a completely miserable feeling. and i hate it. its not me.
two years ago... when they left... i remember feeling completely rejected. i remember feeling lied to and abandoned. i remember that one night very well. i remember being one of the only ones in the room who was bawling. i remember him telling me, "please, dont cry." i remember thinking, "i thought you cared, how could you just leave?". but after that day, i dont remember hurting. i dont remember struggling with it. it seems as if i was able to let it go.
i dont know how long its gonna take me to be okay with this. maybe i never will. my heart hurts. more than i ever remember it hurting before. and thats tough. i just want so much to know that you miss us too. i want to hear you say youre proud of us and that you love us. and im not gonna ask you to appologize for the things you did because they always made us stronger. and please dont you EVER appologize for what you did on that saturday afternoon because what you did for us means the world to me.
two months ago i would have never thought this would happen to us. one day we have you, and the next we dont. and then all of a sudden people began to realize what ive known all along. that you were the best we could have ever asked for. i cant believe youre gone.
it hurts. like hell.
or at least what i imagine hell to feel like. cuz ive never been there, and i dont plan to go.
and you, i want to say so much about you. but i honestly dont know what to say. just know that i havent forgotten about you. please, just know that.
& i dont want the world to see me
cuz i dont think that theyd understand
when everythings made to broken
i just want you to know who i am
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