im ready when youre ready for me.

& i waited for the right time, for the day i catch your eye,
to let you know that im yours to hold.

growing up is interesting, is it not?

this summer has proven to be the most challenging summer of my life. i dont know if thats been true for all of you who have experienced the summer before you turn eighteen. or maybe its the summer before your senior year. all i know is its been the beginning of really confirming who i am. and what i want. now, believe me, that is still not quite figured out. and i have no idea how long it will take. but it doesnt worry me. because i know that after all the searching and discovering there will always come a day when i figure out one more thing about myself.

lately ive been struggling with emotions. i was sure, then sidetracked, and it really messed with my head. i didnt know what i wanted. and i was afraid of making a huge mistake if i took a risk. but my previous stance on taking risks was very optimistic. its different when youre in that position yourself. i decided to be completely honest about myself and to let God take full control of the situation. i tried so hard to focus on God and let him continue to use me in the lives of my friends. i wasnt as successful as i wanted to be. but God is faithful, anyway, just like always. and He is constantly pushing me forward. im still here for Him. and i always will be... i just feel like its time i took my life a step further and took a risk.

i waited to see what you would do. you had said you liked me and i enjoyed that week we spent together in florida. but ive learned that even if we did have something now is not the time for it. youre immature and dont have a clue what you want. thats no blow against you because youre a fun guy. just not a reasonable choice for someone to fall in love with right now. and im thinking thats what i want to try for. because its something i havent felt, if i ever have, in years.

maybe im really testing myself with seeing if i can handle a relationship and God at this point in my life. but it seems like i have so much excitement about everything right now that i just want someone to share it with. even more importantly, someone who wants to share it with me. someone whos sure. about what he feels now.

my point is this: after weeks of fighting, ive made a decision. and i know how i want my next few months to go. and i want to be next to you. you make me smile. you make me feel incredibly important. and i feel stupid for even thinking that this other guy could care about me like you could, and hopefully will.

so what do you say? wanna try this out?

:)

there's no music playing...

and i should definitely be going to bed. its almost ten and im about to pass out. it seems like ive been nonstop since... i dont know when. haha. but tomorrow night i get to rest. and then friday. so, i should be ready to go when sunday rolls around. i will have another eventful week next week. with work monday through thursday, once again, and kids crusade monday through wednesday. but that is something im definitely looking forward to! :D

so things are weird these days. and i dont know how to approach them. or deal with them. so i kind of dont? everything is in Gods hands right now. maybe thats the main reason all this is going on; He wants me to learn to trust him with EVERY aspect of my life. and i really believe im getting there. its almost like i have no choice. He sure knows how to get our attention, ha.

but like i said before i need to go to sleep.
i also need to finish my summer reading.
and practice my show music.
and load all my files back onto my computer.
and put my check in the bank.
and im sure theres a million other things.

im almost ready to go back to school cuz its seems like ill be less busy. thats bad. haha. and we all know when school starts my social life goes out the window until about november... unless youre a band kid that is. ha.

maybe you really shouldnt talk to me? maybe i dont have time for you? maybe youre too excited about life to care that much? maybe you should learn how immature it is to ignore someone? maybe you should learn to tell people whats going on?

and you! what the heck is wrong with you, boy?? seriously, grow up. youre way smarter than all of this! it really makes me sick to see how stupid youre being. whatever youre trying to do, its not working. take a chill pill before you really screw things up for yourself.


the end?
im tired.

i want to feel You, i need to hear You.

so hi.
i hate the fact that my recent blogs have sounded so depressing. but thats usually when i need to vent. i promise i dont always feel like this. ha.

my insides feels like theyre moving so fast, just jumping around, running into each other, dying to get out. i dont know whats going on. im so frustrated. i really need that peace that only God can give. and as im typing, im crying for the first time in months.

i dont know what to do, what to think. i feel like i dont know anything. and that if it werent for God being here with me through it all, i would be completely incapable of everything.

cuz youre all i want, youre all i need.
youre everything, youre everything.

this song makes me want to just drop to my knees and cry for hours. i wanna be moved. i dont wanna be in this spot. where i feel like a failure. i need You to pick me up and bring me out of this. but i know that if You were gonna do that, it wouldve been done by now. so all i can ask for is strength, wisdom. the things ive seemed to really be without. the things that seem so far away. like ill never reach them.

i love You. and i know that You love me.



i want to thank my best friends for always being there for me.
Jessica, for supporting me in any decision i feel is the best one, and being my backbone in situations like this one.
Chantal, for always being willing to listen and give me those amazing hugs on sunday mornings that tell me not only are you always gonna be there, but so is He.
Amy, for not caring what a dork i am and letting go of yourself, allowing me to do the same.
Robby, for apologizing even when you have nothing to do with it.
Jared, for giving me the time i need to figure all of this crap out.
my parents, for letting me make my own decisions even when you dont agree. for wanting to spend time together. and for showing me how to truly live.


would you tell me, how could it be any better than this?

blogs really help chill me out.
it kind of gives me time to reflect. and in a way, one on one time with God.
He gets all the glory of everything thats ever been good in my life.
im nothing without Him. and i hope i never, ever forget that.

i think im gonna go on to church now.
i need to vent more by driving.

once again ive made a mess out of things.

im not ready for this.
not now.
you chose the absolute worst time.
or maybe i chose the wrong time to be this way.

im stuck.

i dont want to tell you.
i dont want to hurt you.
i dont want to make the wrong decision.
i dont want to lose it all.
i dont want to do what i always do.
i thought i was done with that.

i dont want to see you.
not now, not next weekend, not the weekend after that.
i dont want to confront this.
i want everything to be perfectly fine.

but its not.
and it wont be.
and im stuck in this place with no escape route.
and not enough sense to make one of my own.

god, i just need time.
just give me more time.
please.

why are you doing this now?!?!?
why couldnt you have done this half a year ago?
you just like making my life more complicated, dont you? haha.

i dont know what to say.
all i know is its not the same.
at least not right now... which is when your choosing to be like this.

goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont know whats going on or what will be going on or what has been going on.

happy fourth.
i had a good one, and i hope you did too.