remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.
i would appreciate it if you stopped hurting.
because it makes me hurt.
i know sometimes, we can't help it.
and it takes time to figure things out.
im hoping less time rather than more.
in fact, im doing more than hoping...
im praying.
dont ever forget.
you know where you can always come back to.
please, just dont forget that.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
& there with our small view, a toast to all things new.
wow. so in roughly 35 days ill be on my way to New York City. crazy, huh? i remember last year... sitting at our lunch table talking about "oh my gosh i cant wait for our junior year its going to be so awesome!" well here we are, more than halfway into our junior year already. i seriously cannot believe that time can pass so fast. time passes too fast. i wish i could go back in time for some things. and for others im glad they're over with.
i miss pace. i miss band camp. i miss wcu and lower state. i even miss state. and i dont know how to fix that. if i could go back and re-live those 3 or 4 months i wouldnt hesitate.
i hope you're having fun teaching history. i know how much you love it. but i also hope you know how much you are missed here. dont worry, we haven't forgotten you. at least i havent. and maybe one day i will. but i really dont want to. and as much as i dont want this to be the end, im coming to the realization that it is. maybe i'll see you at my wedding. lol.
i also miss summer. and the completely carefree attitude that comes with it. that absolute freedom is something i am craving. i'm sure i'm not the only one. its not good to be this restless. and it takes a lot of self discipline to stay focused. God, i need that self discipline!
in a little over 6 months i'll be 18. do you know how ridiculous that is? i shouldn't be 18. i'm still a kid. i mean, seriously, i don't even think i deserve to have lived this long! haha. but, yes, i am very thankful. 18 years... wow.
and soon ill be off to college and starting a life completely on my own. scary? or exciting? i can't say just yet. im still sitting in my parents house, eating their food, and taking their advice. and i dont think i will know what its like to be without that until i take myself away from it all next summer.
i have no idea what to expect out of life. things change. and they change so quickly. nothing is certain. but its good to know that i'm taken care of. its good to know that i have someone i can always count on. and thanks to my God, i dont have to be worried about my future. and i hope all of you can feel the same way. =]
i think i should go practice now... or something.
oh, we will find our place past the would have beens,
no more hanging from on a string.
i miss pace. i miss band camp. i miss wcu and lower state. i even miss state. and i dont know how to fix that. if i could go back and re-live those 3 or 4 months i wouldnt hesitate.
i hope you're having fun teaching history. i know how much you love it. but i also hope you know how much you are missed here. dont worry, we haven't forgotten you. at least i havent. and maybe one day i will. but i really dont want to. and as much as i dont want this to be the end, im coming to the realization that it is. maybe i'll see you at my wedding. lol.
i also miss summer. and the completely carefree attitude that comes with it. that absolute freedom is something i am craving. i'm sure i'm not the only one. its not good to be this restless. and it takes a lot of self discipline to stay focused. God, i need that self discipline!
in a little over 6 months i'll be 18. do you know how ridiculous that is? i shouldn't be 18. i'm still a kid. i mean, seriously, i don't even think i deserve to have lived this long! haha. but, yes, i am very thankful. 18 years... wow.
and soon ill be off to college and starting a life completely on my own. scary? or exciting? i can't say just yet. im still sitting in my parents house, eating their food, and taking their advice. and i dont think i will know what its like to be without that until i take myself away from it all next summer.
i have no idea what to expect out of life. things change. and they change so quickly. nothing is certain. but its good to know that i'm taken care of. its good to know that i have someone i can always count on. and thanks to my God, i dont have to be worried about my future. and i hope all of you can feel the same way. =]
i think i should go practice now... or something.
oh, we will find our place past the would have beens,
no more hanging from on a string.
Monday, February 11, 2008
break my heart for what breaks yours.
so today was probably the best monday ive had in a really long time. believe it or not. i mean, logically, it really shouldnt have been. it shouldnt have been good at all. and it was. because my God can take the crappiest of situations and make me the happiest person in spite of it all. and i dont even know why im happy. or how he did it. i just woke up this morning and said, "you know what, God, im not dealing with this." and it worked. it really worked. you dont really understand the awesomeness of God until you experience his healing power on your own. you cant even begin to grasp it. holy cow, amazing much? i think so.
im so excited about new york. and im so excited about the summer. and christmas at disney. and my future. im just excited. almost like theres no point in doing anything but looking forward. i mean, why look back when theres so much going on in the future?
i really like music. its hard for me to save money because i want to buy every song that i hear. and 99 cents per song adds up after a while. haha. ive been leaving fourth block a lot lately to join the jazz band and its gotten me really into jazz music. seriously, im a freak of nature. but im passionate and ive only recently found that out. im passionate about a few things in my life. and passion definitely makes life worth living. one day when i get into a serious relationship, like with the guy im gonna end up marrying that passion is really going to pay off. and i will take off. and feel love like God has intended for me to feel. not this fake stuff that we try so hard to find. and just end up hurting like heck in the end.
im thankful for the smart ones in my life. the ones who actually care about me. and who know whats best for me when im too blinded by my own desires to see it.
i have a spanish test tomorrow. which means i should go study. ah, studying is no fun. no fun at all. goodnight, kids. i love you guys like... a lot. =D
im so excited about new york. and im so excited about the summer. and christmas at disney. and my future. im just excited. almost like theres no point in doing anything but looking forward. i mean, why look back when theres so much going on in the future?
i really like music. its hard for me to save money because i want to buy every song that i hear. and 99 cents per song adds up after a while. haha. ive been leaving fourth block a lot lately to join the jazz band and its gotten me really into jazz music. seriously, im a freak of nature. but im passionate and ive only recently found that out. im passionate about a few things in my life. and passion definitely makes life worth living. one day when i get into a serious relationship, like with the guy im gonna end up marrying that passion is really going to pay off. and i will take off. and feel love like God has intended for me to feel. not this fake stuff that we try so hard to find. and just end up hurting like heck in the end.
im thankful for the smart ones in my life. the ones who actually care about me. and who know whats best for me when im too blinded by my own desires to see it.
i have a spanish test tomorrow. which means i should go study. ah, studying is no fun. no fun at all. goodnight, kids. i love you guys like... a lot. =D
Sunday, February 10, 2008
8:41 Sunday, February 10th, 2008.
i woke up at 5 o clock this morning.
i felt absolutely horrible.
i definitely shouldve been crying.
but i couldnt.
it was weird.
what if...?
nah.
i cant wait to talk to my best friend.
and i cant wait to be in God's presence.
where nothing else matters.
i felt absolutely horrible.
i definitely shouldve been crying.
but i couldnt.
it was weird.
what if...?
nah.
i cant wait to talk to my best friend.
and i cant wait to be in God's presence.
where nothing else matters.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
to a truly amazing person:
my throat was abnormally dry. that is my excuse for not saying anything. but its a real excuse. as in, im not lying.
i went into this thing today not expecting anything out of it. or at least i wasnt trying to. but here i am, sitting here, wondering why the heck i didnt hug you while i had the chance. because apparently i dont get another one...
for some reason im a dumb teenage girl and i have problems making words come out of my mouth. because my mind was talking non-stop. but the words were completely lost somewhere. i wanted to say so much to you. but i dont think it wouldve changed a thing. you believe what you believe and not me or anyone else is going to be able to change that. if you believe that its going to happen again then who am i to say its not? i cant promise that. no one can. i can tell you that my ultimate goal is not for us to hurt each other. but im sure no one is thinking that at the beginning of a relationship. so what good would that do?
the problem is this: im willing to, and youre not. and i doubt theres anything i can do to change that. i just wish i could. because i realized tonight that i dont want to be just friends. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. and i dont think i can be just friends to be honest with you. i dont think we can be just friends.
ive been wrong about a lot of things before. and this could be one of them. but i didnt want to leave your truck tonight. i dont care how cold it was. or how awkward and intense it was. because it was definitely all of those things. haha. seriously. i wanted to fall asleep there. and i think im absolutely crazy for that.
youre a risk i am willing to take. and i have no idea why. i mean, it doesnt make sense to me. at all. but thats all i keep thinking about. and i feel so certain about it.
you worry about me to much. trust me, ill be okay.
p.s. - i dont need promises. i dont feel comfortable making them anyway.
i went into this thing today not expecting anything out of it. or at least i wasnt trying to. but here i am, sitting here, wondering why the heck i didnt hug you while i had the chance. because apparently i dont get another one...
for some reason im a dumb teenage girl and i have problems making words come out of my mouth. because my mind was talking non-stop. but the words were completely lost somewhere. i wanted to say so much to you. but i dont think it wouldve changed a thing. you believe what you believe and not me or anyone else is going to be able to change that. if you believe that its going to happen again then who am i to say its not? i cant promise that. no one can. i can tell you that my ultimate goal is not for us to hurt each other. but im sure no one is thinking that at the beginning of a relationship. so what good would that do?
the problem is this: im willing to, and youre not. and i doubt theres anything i can do to change that. i just wish i could. because i realized tonight that i dont want to be just friends. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. and i dont think i can be just friends to be honest with you. i dont think we can be just friends.
ive been wrong about a lot of things before. and this could be one of them. but i didnt want to leave your truck tonight. i dont care how cold it was. or how awkward and intense it was. because it was definitely all of those things. haha. seriously. i wanted to fall asleep there. and i think im absolutely crazy for that.
youre a risk i am willing to take. and i have no idea why. i mean, it doesnt make sense to me. at all. but thats all i keep thinking about. and i feel so certain about it.
you worry about me to much. trust me, ill be okay.
p.s. - i dont need promises. i dont feel comfortable making them anyway.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
i drew a line, i drew a line for you
oh, what a thing to do.
and it was all yellow.
hm. im not sure i actually have something to say. but i have no one to talk to and 45 minutes until american idol starts. and sadly 45 minutes is not long enough to watch a disney movie. it is a long enough amount of time to read, however and yet im not doing it. i couldnt tell you why. because im always telling myself i want to read. and i do. so what am i doing writing a blog, i honestly have no clue.
im getting a free t shirt on sunday. isnt that exciting? i think so.
you know, theres a lot of things i could say about a few people but i really dont feel like it... at all. i mean usually i just say like everything thats on my mind but i really dont want to this time. i guess because some of it i dont want to come out too soon. neither do i want to start talking bad about someone. and there are other things i just dont want to deal with. there is this one thing, though, that im getting kind of worried about. i wish it was as easy as im making it seem. but its really not and i probably have to set things straight really soon. because i dont ever want to hurt anyone. but i dont want to lose a friend either.
a list of exciting things in 2008:
1. NEW YORK!
2. prom!
3. getting a new camera!
4. senior project being over and done with!
5. summer vacation!
6. going to universal with my bestest friend!
7. starting my senior year!
8. going to disney at christmas!
... thats all i got. haha. for now anyway.
a list of not so exciting things:
1. having to do senior project.
...i guess its a good thing that i cant think of much more.
i figure if you never get your hopes up you wont be able to be let down. so thats where im at right now. it may not be the right way to do things. in fact the right way to do things for me right now probably includes avoiding the situation completely. but... we will see. i just hope you arent confused. because i dont feel like flirting with uncertainty. yes, i do get hurt.
and it was all yellow.
hm. im not sure i actually have something to say. but i have no one to talk to and 45 minutes until american idol starts. and sadly 45 minutes is not long enough to watch a disney movie. it is a long enough amount of time to read, however and yet im not doing it. i couldnt tell you why. because im always telling myself i want to read. and i do. so what am i doing writing a blog, i honestly have no clue.
im getting a free t shirt on sunday. isnt that exciting? i think so.
you know, theres a lot of things i could say about a few people but i really dont feel like it... at all. i mean usually i just say like everything thats on my mind but i really dont want to this time. i guess because some of it i dont want to come out too soon. neither do i want to start talking bad about someone. and there are other things i just dont want to deal with. there is this one thing, though, that im getting kind of worried about. i wish it was as easy as im making it seem. but its really not and i probably have to set things straight really soon. because i dont ever want to hurt anyone. but i dont want to lose a friend either.
a list of exciting things in 2008:
1. NEW YORK!
2. prom!
3. getting a new camera!
4. senior project being over and done with!
5. summer vacation!
6. going to universal with my bestest friend!
7. starting my senior year!
8. going to disney at christmas!
... thats all i got. haha. for now anyway.
a list of not so exciting things:
1. having to do senior project.
...i guess its a good thing that i cant think of much more.
i figure if you never get your hopes up you wont be able to be let down. so thats where im at right now. it may not be the right way to do things. in fact the right way to do things for me right now probably includes avoiding the situation completely. but... we will see. i just hope you arent confused. because i dont feel like flirting with uncertainty. yes, i do get hurt.
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