creation's revealing your majesty.

life. what a completely amazing gift. and i mean, how undeserving are we? especially of a life so incredibly full of... well, life. ha. i just sat outside for 20 minutes. i have no idea how cold it is out there exactly. but i can tell you that i could see my breath and i couldnt feel my toes. if you can figure out the temperature by those kind of things, let me know.

but i was on my way home from church and i looked up. which is completely dangerous while youre driving... never do it. but for some reason i am absolutely stunned by the night sky. and despite my complete hatred towards the cold i wanted to sit under that incredible sky. so i did. i came home, grabbed my ipod, and went out into the cold. totally not something i would do. i think i've become a bit spontaneous. or maybe ive just fallen in love with stars.

the creator of the stars, he's a completely different story. and by different i mean too amazing to describe. yea, indescribable.

and i would love to spend the rest of my night outside looking up, or even just talking about it here. but unfortunately i have spanish homework. so, in conclusion...

"When i consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

- Psalm 8 : 3,4 -

till the ground in me, 'til its ready.

here i am again. sitting here at 3 o'clock on a saturday afternoon. on a saturday that ive done absolutely nothing with myself. im still really happy. seriously, my God never takes a break.

i feel like i totally blew you off today, and im really sorry. even if you dont think of it as a big deal, i do. today was going to be something big for us. it was important. and i feel completely selfish for blowing my best friend off because im "too busy". when the truth is i didnt want to do anything today. its just another way that my selfishness got in the way. and i will make it up to you, i promise.

there's probably a lot of things i could say about you right now. and whats going on. or if anything is going on. but to tell you the truth i dont want you on my mind right now. i hope that doesnt hurt your feelings, i just have better things to look toward. and i dont have time to try to figure things out that will probably end up unfulfilling anyway. ill leave the figuring out to you and listen to what God has to say about this. because He is my one and only.

ive been praying for you. and i dont want you to be confused. seriously, i want you to have what i have. because theres nothing like it. anywhere.

so i have to work tonight. i think i like my job. its fun. even it takes away some time i could be spending with my friends and family. because ive made new friends. and i like them. and maybe somehow i can show them love where they wouldnt get it otherwise. because thats how my God works. He changes things. things that you wouldnt have ever thought could have been changed. amazing, huh? that He is.

im going to new york in two months. im really excited about this. seriously, i feel like its the beginning of my traveling experience. i really do want to travel the world one day. theres so many different cultures out there. so many great things to see. i want to get out of my comfortable little "oh great US of A" box. i dont want to be just another american. i want to be different.

well, i should go get ready for work. or, actually, i havent done my devotion today. and i think thats an awesome idea. i hope everyone has an amazing rest of the weekend.

i see a generation rising up to take their place

so im not sure i have anything to say really. i just wanted to let you know how great my God is. yes, i know ive said this already. but i can still feel him near me. and i always want to feel that way.

i dont know what im gonna do with you. you need to quit, seriously. i want you to do what you were going to do. i want you to get better. but i cant promise you what you want. it was way too long ago. i want to be your friend. please let me do that without acting this way.

im so excited about going to church tomorrow. we're starting discipleship and i cant wait to dive into Gods word. seriously, i should have done it years ago. but i never got the hang of it. i think its different now. and i cant wait to find out how this is going to affect my life.

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me
break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your kingdoms cause
as i walk from earth into eternity

i think thats all i have to say.
life is an exciting thing... no one knows whats waiting around the corner.
but i am oh so thrilled to find out.

on You i throw my life, casting all my fears aside

how can greater love than this ever possibly exist?

i think i have a lot to say. but i have absolutely no time to say it. i love my God with all that i am. and i can feel us getting so much closer. and i have this huge thing of excitement in my chest. its like a super nova inside of me or something. i know He has amazing things planned. things that i wouldnt have ever thought possible. and i absolutely love surprises. =]

im going to go bowling now.
with some of the most amazing people ive ever known.

this cold air brings in such a distance to us.

i am so glad this semester is almost over. you have no idea. seriously, this has been the worst semester of my life! school work wise. the whole band season thing was pretty amazing. until we got to the bad part. haha, but you already know that story. i think i want to get some things out about a few people. i havent done that in a while. and i have some things on my mind. im not putting names for my own sake. but i really dont mind if youre going to try and figure out who is who. apparently, i want someone to hear me if im putting it on here.

1. You are still my everything. and i am still completely amazed at how good You are to me. im still incredibly thankful for Your grace. and im still completely in love with who You are. this will never change. i will change. and i will probably change more than i want to. but You will never change. and this is why You will always be my best friend. i love You so much more than i have ever loved anything. and i like that security.

2. you guys left two years ago. and all of a sudden youre back as if nothing ever happened. im so glad to have you back. i dont know what happened in you guys' lives while you were gone, but whatever it was i hope it was for the better. and so far, it seems that way. i still love you guys a ton. and your kids make me just as happy as they always have. i hope yall are here to stay. and i hope your family is completely open to Gods will. because we all know thats that only way to be trully happy.

3. we have been best friends for a while now. and im so glad we've gotten so close. you really are an amazing person to be around. everyone loves you! so i guess i should count it an honor to have you call me your best friend. =] but i honestly dont feel like i know you. i understand that secrets are important. and that you cant always feel comfortable telling one person everything about your life. but because i feel like youre keeping secrets from me, i feel like we've drifted. maybe thats just me. but we possibly have less than 2 years together and i dont want them to go to waste. i want you to trust me. i really do.

4. i think you are replacing her. and im not sure how i feel about that. i love her! so much. and i love you. but we have plans. plans that we are both really excited about. at least, thats how i see it. thanks for loving me. i know im not easy to be best friends with. ha. thanks to the both of you. i just know that our future holds a lot of good times. and im excited about it. i can see us being best friends for a really long time. and i am willing to teach you what i know. even if it isnt much. =P

5. what the heck have you done to me? i doubt you want to know, but ill tell you anyway. i know exactly what i want. and ive known it since august. and this is the first time in a long time that ive known what i want. and its still the same. however, it seems completely out of reach now. almost like a fantasy. or a celebrity crush. and yet, i want it. and i want it bad. ever since we went to lunch on that august afternoon and you laughed at all the stupid things i did, i knew that i wanted to be near you. that i wanted to fall in love with you. yea, i said it. and for some reason i cant get you out of my mind. and until someone better comes along, i wont be able to. maybe you should know that. im not sure. but if you happen to read this, then you do. the few memories that i have with you are a few of the best. and they make me want more. but it seems so far gone. please, let me know if im wrong. i know what i want. and you want the life you have. which doesnt include me. but dont worry about me, ill be fine. because if its not you, its someone else.

6. im hoping that you dont want more than what we have. because i really like being your friend. you tell it like it is. i feel like we can be completely honest with each other. and now when you graduate we will probably never talk to each other. haha. but, im glad we have gotten the chance to know each other. just, dont screw this up by thinking things that you have thought before. haha, if you get my drift.

ahhhhhh i have exams this week. but thats ok. im ready to go to church tomorrow. but im not ready to finish my history homework. even if it is the last history homework i will ever have to do! ah, that feels good to say. haha.

i saw Juno today. it was pretty cute. but i think i was expecting it to be cuter. id heard super good things about it. i guess people just have different tastes in movies. dont get me wrong, though, it was good. they were super cute together. but that one guy was a jerk.

meagan's gonna be here soon. i think im gonna go play some guitar or something. maybe ill write something new? maybe not. who knows.

i wish i could talk to you. i dont know anything about you anymore.
it sucks.

and our eyes can see far better now than then.

wow. what a day. what a weekend. i have to admit it had its good points. it was mostly good, thats for sure. theres only one thing. one small, or not so small, thing. but today has been the best day ive had in the last... at least month. and because of today i can say with complete honestly that i am trully trusting Him with it. even though i have no idea what it is. but its something, i know. and i really hope it means nothing to you. i hope its something you dont want. because im hurt that you put yourself through it. and ill be even more hurt if you do it again. youre worth way more than that. but, im sure you know that.

symphonic band camp was fun. i was looking forward to it. but a lot of people werent. i guess they have lives. where as my life consists of mostly band. its something im passionate about. but if i had other commitments and other passions then i would probably be the same way. but they lived through it. and we made good music together. =]

i cannot wait to go to Carnegie. seriously, its going to be an amazing experience.

im content with moving on. because thats what you have to do in life. but the good part is we're promised that it will all be okay. and like luna lovegood says on harry potter and the order of the phoenix, "the things you love have a way of coming back to you in the end." thats probably a bit paraphrased but you get my point. and today i had proof of that. they came back. ha, my God has such a way of showing that things are going to be okay. that He's going to take care of every little thing. that i shouldnt be worried. and i honestly believe that promise. with everything thats in me, i believe it. and im so thankful for who He is. and how much He cares about me. enough to show me the little things. and make sure that i know that itll all end up okay. how can there be anything more worthy of devoting your life to?

i cant wait to go back to church. and im so excited about what He has in store for just the next few hours that i cant possibly concentrate on anything else. i know that youll be affected. theres not way you cant be. and you have no idea how excited that makes me. i dont have to worry about you or anyone else. cause my God has shown me that He will change me. and when His love is able to flow through my veins and flood out of my mouth and in every single action you will be affected. there is nothing more attractive than love. and His love is way more than anyone could ever imagine. its completely irrational how much He loves every single person that has lived on this earth. so irrational that you cant help but be drawn to it. trust me, you cant run from this. no matter how much you try.

im so exited. im on such a high. gosh, if only we were so overtaken by His love every day. could you imagine? could you imagine all the people we could affect? could you imagine all the broken hearts that can be completely mended with His love working through us? we all have broken hearts. my broken heart is mended. im happier now than ive been in sooooo long. i dont want to lose this. but i know that if i do, He will still be right here waiting for me to want it back.

ahhh, i have nothing more to say.
my God is indescribable.

by the way, i have a job.

=]

but then again its all up to the way you want things.

so i have no idea what just happened. and i may never know. but then again, thats life. full of surprises whether you like them or not. and as for this one, im not sure how i feel about it. you have your reasons. and i cant help but think they arent what they should be.

its the new year. finally 2008. im turning 18 this year. thats got to count for something. nah, im very excited. i love new years. because i love new chances. and this year is going to be completely different. i can feel it. not to mention the huge change that we're all involved in with pace gone. a lot of things arent the way i expected them to be for 2008. but that makes me all the more excited. because God has surprises. and these im not scared of.

i think im going to bed. i stayed up this late for a reason i shouldnt have. and now i want to go to sleep even more. ha. that makes no sense, i know. but im tired. and tomorrow i have homework to do. we go back thursday. i seriously need to find something to get me excited about school. its not healthy to dread it so much. it doesnt help my "turning the bad into good" effort of the new year. prayer works. i should definitely try it.

goodnight.