but this one i cannot claim even if i wanted to

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

despite so much thats been gnawing at me lately, i have had just that. and i am so thankful. i spent the weekend in Mobile, Alabama with what seems to be my greatest blessing ever. and i really believe that. my family is absolutely amazing. and getting together with them this weekend was the best thing that could have happened to me this christmas by far.

saturday night we had christmas. we did what we used to do every year, but we havent had time for lately. they will probably never know how extremely thankful i am that we had time for it this year. but it wasnt like it used to be. no, this time i understood it. i understood the meaning of family. i understood why i loved being with my family so much. the overwhelming feeling of joy, of peace, of love. of everything that God is. i saw it in my family. i felt it when Will was reading the christmas story. when we sang "hark the herald angels sing", "o come all ye faithful", and even "we wish you a merry christmas". i felt it when we took communion. and when we began to talk about it, i knew everyone else felt the same way. i cant explain it. it was amazing. my God is amazing.

then the next morning, we went to church. the church that ive been too so many times but can never remember who those old people are that come up to me every year and tell me how much im growing up to look like my mom. i hate that. its awkward. but this sunday was different. this sunday i walked into that church with my family and when worship started we worshipped our amazing God with all we had in us. because we knew we had so much to be thankful for. and being there worshipping with my family, was an amazing feeling. knowing that these people have the same desires that i have. that we all strive to live lives that are pleasing to God. that we long to be used by Him. that feeling, its incredible. and i dont even think i can explain it. not even in the least bit. but if theres some way that through reading this you feel His peace, His joy, or His amazing love, then i am overjoyed. because ive found this feeling and i dont want to lose it. and more importantly i want other people to have it! if you dont understand what im talking about or you think ive lost my mind, search for this feeling! search for the answer to whatever your question is. you need it. trust me. the only thing out there thats waiting for you if you dont have this is hurt and disappointment. and ive been there enough. i dont want to deal with it anymore.

this weekend in alabama was exactly what i needed. and God knew that. He got to me. boy, did He get to me. and i am absolutely in love with Him for it. im not worried about anything anymore. not a thing. im just excited to get back around people so they can see His love, joy, and peace in me.

im serious, if you dont have this... you cant not have this. pick yourself up right now and go looking for it. if you look for it and you really want it, youll have it. please, if you never listen to a thing i say, listen to me now. God wants you to have this feeling just as much as you want it. even more. because Hes just that good.

=]

i am genuinely happy. for the first time in a while.


I'm not one to pass the blame
But this is one I cannot claim even if I wanted to
There's something happening
There's something going on with me
And I think I like the view from where I'm standing

You are to blame for anything that is good in my heart
You are to blame for this change that has taken me by storm

There's one thing I am wondering
What exactly do You see that makes You want to stay?
I don't deserve Your attention
Why would You ever mention me?
Why You're treating me this way remains a mystery

And I feel like I can fly
Knowing I am Yours
And knowing that You're mine
I cannot ask for more

i'm getting no reception on my heart radio

Remember i told you "in life and death"
Don't bury our secrets
They will not tear us apart
Because love means going this far
Even when the ending is only the start

If you dive into the ocean then i
Will be the wave around you tonight
And if you're sinking, then oh, it's alright
Because i will be the ghost who is at your side

Remember, you're demons will surface and fight
But i will be a good phantom
And keep on romancing this cold little devils tribe
And hold them away while you are escaping into the light

So tell me where you've gone by now
I'm getting no reception on my heart radio
Now meet me where the angels collide
And i will be the ghost who is at your side

Yeah
Now i'm changing, i'm changing, i'm changing
Oh i'm changing for you now

When you dive into the ocean alive
Oh i will be the ghost at your side
If you fall into the devils tribe
Oh i will be the ghost at your side
And when anywhere the angels collide
Oh i will be the ghost at your side

Now dive into the blinding light

i like music. especially music with meaning. and this... like a lot of the other songs i listen to... has meaning. because i like deep thinking. and im in love with emotions.

tomorrow is the last day of school before winter break. absolutely nothing is going on except for winter days. and if it werent for the fact that ive most likely missed too many days already, i would just not go. well, thats not true. because i have this chemistry project that i have to over break and its only on my g drive. so i need to remember to bring my usb tomorrow so i can get that. that sucks. because i stink at remembering things.

christmas is a week from today. and i am so glad. christmas is one of those times where you cant help but feel warm and fuzzy despite what kind of crap is going on in your life. it also helps you realize whats really important. and that the crap youre going through is almost meaningless. and believe it or not, that helps me feel better about myself. ha.

and i think i will leave on that subject. in fact, i think im gonna go in the living room with a blanket and some hot chocolate and put on a christmas movie. because its way too cold out for this to be south carolina. and because ive been too busy lately to watch christmas movies. its possible im still too busy to watch one, but i honestly do not care.

and you cant fight the tears that ain't comin'

or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

holy freaking cow. it seems like theres so much going on right now. it almost feels like everything is falling apart. well, it does feel like that. and i dont know how to react to that feeling. for one thing i feel dumb for not being able to push past this. i feel like i should be able to get over it. but right now its like im in this... i dont even know. i dont have the words. all i know is im hating it. all of it. i want the both of you back. and all ive been feeling for the past two days is severe hurt. it hurts! like crap. and its constant. my prayer for the past two days has been, "God, please fix this." thats all i can say. because i dont know how to explain anything. and i havent been able to cry since yesterday morning. trust me, ive really wanted to. ive needed to. but i just cant for some reason. and on top of it all as soon as you walked in the door today it felt like the bottom of my stomach dropped out. and ever since then ive had this knot. i didnt expect any of this. number one, i didnt expect to have these feelings. and number two, i didnt expect him to go. i still cannot imagine what its going to be like without him. i feel lost. im confused and i feel like theres no where for me to go right now. that im just stuck here in this spot. its a completely miserable feeling. and i hate it. its not me.

two years ago... when they left... i remember feeling completely rejected. i remember feeling lied to and abandoned. i remember that one night very well. i remember being one of the only ones in the room who was bawling. i remember him telling me, "please, dont cry." i remember thinking, "i thought you cared, how could you just leave?". but after that day, i dont remember hurting. i dont remember struggling with it. it seems as if i was able to let it go.

i dont know how long its gonna take me to be okay with this. maybe i never will. my heart hurts. more than i ever remember it hurting before. and thats tough. i just want so much to know that you miss us too. i want to hear you say youre proud of us and that you love us. and im not gonna ask you to appologize for the things you did because they always made us stronger. and please dont you EVER appologize for what you did on that saturday afternoon because what you did for us means the world to me.

two months ago i would have never thought this would happen to us. one day we have you, and the next we dont. and then all of a sudden people began to realize what ive known all along. that you were the best we could have ever asked for. i cant believe youre gone.

it hurts. like hell.
or at least what i imagine hell to feel like. cuz ive never been there, and i dont plan to go.

and you, i want to say so much about you. but i honestly dont know what to say. just know that i havent forgotten about you. please, just know that.

& i dont want the world to see me
cuz i dont think that theyd understand
when everythings made to broken
i just want you to know who i am

you gotta pull yourself back together

well, hello there.

i just felt like writing a blog. theres a few things... a few people... that have been on my mind. not to mention ive been kind of aggravated today. and i dont really have a reason to be.
actually, its been this whole week. i havent really been my regular self. i havent exactly been happy. and i dont like it. i dont like it one bit.

the hilight of my week was definitely seeing you. i hope you had an extremely happy birthday. you kept saying how thankful you were that we were there and how it meant so much to you, but to be honest it meant so much to me to just be able to be there. i am so proud of you. and i trully believe, now more than ever, that now is the best time for you to come back to us.

thank you, though, for being there for us. people dont respect you for all youve done and im sorry for that. i wish i could do something to make up for their lack of perspective.

i really like being friends with you. youre an amazing listener and youre one of those people that are completely genuine. i like being able to tell you things and not worry about them getting out. even to your best friend. ;] you need to come back and get un"grounded" so that we can start talking again. i think i have a lot to talk about. but first, do GREAT at your auditions this weekend. and have an amazingly fun time.

asldkfjasdlf.
i dont like not being close. but what am i doing? it wont help to sit here and whine about it. i feel kind of dumb for having high expectations. i just thought there was more to it than this. and the worst part is, none of this is your fault. i honestly have nothing to blame this on. besides the fact that i dont listen to myself in the first place. but, who wouldve though i would have ended up feeling this way? definitely not me.

if youve been telling me the truth lately, i want you to know that im relieved. if you havent been telling me the complete truth, i want you to know that im sorry if ive given you the impression that we have to agree on everything. more than anything, i dont want to see you hurt. and this is what its all about with me.

and you, you told me to not let you do this. and i think that something in you really doesnt want to go back to where you were. but i dont know how i can say no to something that you want. but we both know that this isnt the answer. and we both know its not where you should be right now. so whether you choose to or not, im still gonna love you. but i dont want to see you hurt either. im scared you might not be strong enough.

so im feeling a little stressed. life can get kind of rough sometimes. and this is why i love my God so. because whenever it gets like that i can always feel him telling me to hold on. that everything is gonna turn out fine. it always has. what makes me think hes gonna all of a sudden go back on his promises now? exactly. he never will. talk about something to live for. =]