heres the deal:
i am perfectly fine without you. in fact, my life is going really great. honestly, i dont need you at all. i could go on with my life not even thinking about you or what "we could have been"... if you want to be cliche about it. and thats cool. it really is. but, it just seems like it would be even better with you in it.
i swear, i dont wanna miss anything. ...i will share the air i breathe. ill give you my heart on a string. i just dont wanna miss anything... i feel like i really mean those words.
but like i said before, i dont need you. im fine without you. im not crying myself to sleep at night because we're not together. in fact im not worried about it at all. i just cant help but think that it would be cool to have you around.
you went to the play. and i went to the play. you even called me to say you were going to the play...
i dont think we said a word to each other.
how weird is that?
seriously, i dont want it to be like that.
but i guess you gotta do what you gotta do.
just my thoughts.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
you cant decipher reflections from reality, but neither can i
here i am again. im not sure if i have a specific something to write about. but i feel like writing anyway. despite recent events, im still loving life and all it has to offer me. which is exactly how it should be. and it makes me happy that this isnt holding me down.
my family came to visit this past weekend. and that is exactly why i love thanksgiving. it was everything i had hoped it would be. my life would be so different without them. its weird how i can feel so close to them when i only see them once a year. but i get to see them at christmas this year. not just them, but the rest of the family as well. do you know how happy that makes me? being in a room with my whole family is like a joy overdose. i have so much to be thankful for. im so loved.
ah, school. the last couple of days actually havent been that bad. my grades are getting better, im sure of it. ive been doing most of my work. and ive been understanding stuff. and its reflecting on my tests. which is another reason to be thankful.
ive been thinking about falling in love lately. and how i was kinda ready for that to happen. and i was almost preparing for it, believe it or not. yea, definitely setting myself up for heartbreak. but i said preparing, i wasnt there quite yet. ha. the thing is, though, this past week ive felt so close to God. and again, ive come to the realization that being completely in love with Him is the most amazing feeling in the world. seriously, all the love, joy, peace, everything you could need, its all there. and theres so much of it. its incredible. no guy could ever make me feel that way. and no matter how hard i try to find one that will, its impossible. thats why ive devoted my life to Him. because no one else is more deserving. and i couldnt imagine living for anything else. nothing else sounds even remotely attractive. He really is everything to me.
i hope im doing things right. i hope im loving like You've called me to love. because i know how great being loved feels, and some people dont. and if im not there to love them, its possible that no one will be.
i want to get good at guitar hero. because its a fun game and i dont like being the suckiest one. haha, but i guess it happens sometimes. i also want to go back to disney. that place makes me feel so... happy. ha. but unfortunately, i dont get to go back til christmas of next year. =/
oh that reminds me, i need to talk to my mom about this governers school thing. its a thousand dollars. but i think i can get financial aid? yea right, we probably have to be bankrupt or something. it sounds really cool though. i think id really enjoy it.
ah, i think im basically done with this thing. i hope everyone is having a good... life. ha.
my family came to visit this past weekend. and that is exactly why i love thanksgiving. it was everything i had hoped it would be. my life would be so different without them. its weird how i can feel so close to them when i only see them once a year. but i get to see them at christmas this year. not just them, but the rest of the family as well. do you know how happy that makes me? being in a room with my whole family is like a joy overdose. i have so much to be thankful for. im so loved.
ah, school. the last couple of days actually havent been that bad. my grades are getting better, im sure of it. ive been doing most of my work. and ive been understanding stuff. and its reflecting on my tests. which is another reason to be thankful.
ive been thinking about falling in love lately. and how i was kinda ready for that to happen. and i was almost preparing for it, believe it or not. yea, definitely setting myself up for heartbreak. but i said preparing, i wasnt there quite yet. ha. the thing is, though, this past week ive felt so close to God. and again, ive come to the realization that being completely in love with Him is the most amazing feeling in the world. seriously, all the love, joy, peace, everything you could need, its all there. and theres so much of it. its incredible. no guy could ever make me feel that way. and no matter how hard i try to find one that will, its impossible. thats why ive devoted my life to Him. because no one else is more deserving. and i couldnt imagine living for anything else. nothing else sounds even remotely attractive. He really is everything to me.
i hope im doing things right. i hope im loving like You've called me to love. because i know how great being loved feels, and some people dont. and if im not there to love them, its possible that no one will be.
i want to get good at guitar hero. because its a fun game and i dont like being the suckiest one. haha, but i guess it happens sometimes. i also want to go back to disney. that place makes me feel so... happy. ha. but unfortunately, i dont get to go back til christmas of next year. =/
oh that reminds me, i need to talk to my mom about this governers school thing. its a thousand dollars. but i think i can get financial aid? yea right, we probably have to be bankrupt or something. it sounds really cool though. i think id really enjoy it.
ah, i think im basically done with this thing. i hope everyone is having a good... life. ha.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
your palms are sweaty and im barely listening
i dont know how private this thing is. but a lot of the time i write like no one else reads it. which is weird because im sure of a few people who do. but i do it anyway. ...i wonder why. i honestly dont know.
i was with you for 5 hours today. but i swear, i never felt so distant. that may sound crazy or just plain immature. but its true. however, i wouldve rather been with you than not. the first half i couldnt bring myself to look at you for more than a second. and then when i thought about you not being there, i couldnt take my eyes off of you. trust me, im just as freaked out by this as you are. if youre reading this, that is. and the last thing i want to do is freak you out. because it seems like what i want more than anything right now is for you to stay. however, please dont feel any obligation about anything. that will only make it worse, i can promise you. being able to get closer to you over the past few months has been really great. and i thank you so much for that opportunity. im starting to feel things that i wasnt expecting. and im not telling you this so youll come running back to me. im saying thank you. you have things to worry about that may just be worth worrying about. and maybe theyre not. but only you would know the answer to that question. anyways, im hoping this isnt the end.
i told my parents that i would be eating dinner with them in 4 minutes.
i also have to go find some khaki pants to wear to work tomorrow. yay, im finally making more money. haha. and meagans coming over later. thank God. seriously, having a best friend is a huge blessing. however, i havent done a bit of homework today and theres no way im gonna have time to do it tomorrow with church AND work. so ill probably be doing it while meagans over. after we go get the pants and talk about girly things. i can already tell you the subject of the night, since she doesnt know yet.
on top of all of that crap i gotta do, im super tired. that getting up at 4 is starting to get to me. or maybe its the whole playing football part. i didnt do much, but i still hurt. haha. thats not a good thing. i need to get into shape.
my food is getting cold.
i was with you for 5 hours today. but i swear, i never felt so distant. that may sound crazy or just plain immature. but its true. however, i wouldve rather been with you than not. the first half i couldnt bring myself to look at you for more than a second. and then when i thought about you not being there, i couldnt take my eyes off of you. trust me, im just as freaked out by this as you are. if youre reading this, that is. and the last thing i want to do is freak you out. because it seems like what i want more than anything right now is for you to stay. however, please dont feel any obligation about anything. that will only make it worse, i can promise you. being able to get closer to you over the past few months has been really great. and i thank you so much for that opportunity. im starting to feel things that i wasnt expecting. and im not telling you this so youll come running back to me. im saying thank you. you have things to worry about that may just be worth worrying about. and maybe theyre not. but only you would know the answer to that question. anyways, im hoping this isnt the end.
i told my parents that i would be eating dinner with them in 4 minutes.
i also have to go find some khaki pants to wear to work tomorrow. yay, im finally making more money. haha. and meagans coming over later. thank God. seriously, having a best friend is a huge blessing. however, i havent done a bit of homework today and theres no way im gonna have time to do it tomorrow with church AND work. so ill probably be doing it while meagans over. after we go get the pants and talk about girly things. i can already tell you the subject of the night, since she doesnt know yet.
on top of all of that crap i gotta do, im super tired. that getting up at 4 is starting to get to me. or maybe its the whole playing football part. i didnt do much, but i still hurt. haha. thats not a good thing. i need to get into shape.
my food is getting cold.
Friday, November 16, 2007
oh, its what you do to me.
this is weird.
i wasnt expecting it.
and i still dont understand it.
if you could help me to understand it, that would be great.
really.
im disappointed.
and a bit confused.
i just...
dont want to be without it.
its a good feeling.
i wish i knew what was going on inside your head.
that might help a lot.
today was really good.
thanksgiving is really soon.
i get to watch ratatouille tomorrow.
and maybe play guitar hero?
i think i should just chill out.
relax and forget about... everything.
again, thank You for always being there.
You never fail me.
=]
haha, i was sitting here thinking.
and this week makes more sense to me now.
you have no idea how much im hating this.
and im hoping youre feeling the same way.
i wasnt expecting it.
and i still dont understand it.
if you could help me to understand it, that would be great.
really.
im disappointed.
and a bit confused.
i just...
dont want to be without it.
its a good feeling.
i wish i knew what was going on inside your head.
that might help a lot.
today was really good.
thanksgiving is really soon.
i get to watch ratatouille tomorrow.
and maybe play guitar hero?
i think i should just chill out.
relax and forget about... everything.
again, thank You for always being there.
You never fail me.
=]
haha, i was sitting here thinking.
and this week makes more sense to me now.
you have no idea how much im hating this.
and im hoping youre feeling the same way.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
i will share the air i breathe.
"with every appearance by you blinding my eyes,
i can hardly remember the last time i felt like i do.
youre an angel disguised.
and youre lying real still,
but your heartbeat is fast just like mine.
and the movie's long over,
thats three that have passed, one more's fine
will you stay awake for me?
i dont wanna miss anything
i dont wanna miss anything
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything.
im trying real hard not to shake. im biting my tongue,
but im feeling alive and with every breath that i take,
i feel like ive won. youre my key to survival.
and if its a hero you want,
i can save you. just stay here.
your whispers are priceless,
your breath, it is dear. so please stay near.
will you stay awake for me?
i dont wanna miss anything
i dont wanna miss anything
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything.
say my name, i just want to hear you.
say my name, so I know its true.
youre changing me, youre changing me.
you showed me how to live.
so just say. so just say,
that youll stay awake for me.
i dont wanna miss anything.
i dont wanna miss anything.
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything"
i like that song. i havent listened to secondhand serenade in forever. until like yesterday, and then i realized that they write good songs. especially when youre in such a girly mood. which i must be in lately. because i ate a whole freaking pint of ice cream today. yea, thats ridiculous i know. im not eating for the next 7 days. ha. if only i could actually do that. nah, that probably wouldnt be a good thing.
i think im beginning to get the hang of school again. ive been proud of myself this week. i hope i keep the focus up. maybe even intensify it. i think ive been putting on an act... education really is important to me. i dont exactly know why though. maybe its because i want so much for people to be proud of me. and by people, i mean my parents. and i like the competition of it. ha, i really think thats it. i dont know what these past nine weeks will do to my gpa or anything but i have a feeling that ill be able to make up for it. actually, i know i can. i just have to really want to. so ill be okay in the long run. well, duh. but... i dont know. haha.
i like best friends. and disney movies. and ben and jerrys. and driving. and not having to worry about the future. and, believe or not, i like not always having the answers. yea, i never thought id say that either. lol. but i was talking to jessica today and i just had to say "i dont know what to tell you". and i really dont know why i didnt have anything to tell her. maybe its because im tired of telling people what to do. i feel like im trying to be God. i dont know whats right and i dont know whats wrong. i just know what works for me and what doesnt. maybe im being really "new age" about it, but im tired of trying to figure out things. especially when it comes to God and people's relationships with him. my own is probably way different than anyone elses. but who am i to know, or even judge that kind of thing.
it feels good to have a little break. and yea, that includes not having band. im not sure if i miss it or not. i know what i miss, and thats mr pace. the band people are still the same. we still sound the same when we play music. even if it is concert music instead of marching music. i do miss my freshie claries, though. stupid freshman band class. haha, wow, i dont even know what im saying.
i like being about to be involved at church again. it seems like i always forget how much those people mean to me. because they do mean a lot, and they play a huge role in my life. whatever i was going through earlier was stupid and i feel dumb for thinking the things i thought. i cant leave that church. not anytime soon. thats definitely not what God intended. im so thankful to have parents who know what theyre talking about and im so thankful that ive been blessed with enough sense to listen to them.
you. i dont even know what to say about you. im happy. but you already knew that. and i dont really know whats going to happen. but, i know that this is different then what ive been involved in before. whether or not you agree doesnt matter. i mean, yea i want this to be important to you. but if its not, oh well. theres not much i can do about that. haha. i just want to be around you for now. because for now, thats what makes me happy.
and You. Youre completely amazing.
how is it that Youve decided to bless me with all of this?
how it is that You can be so full of love and mercy?
dont answer that.
just, stay near me.
because there isnt any way i can go one minute without You by my side.
=]
i can hardly remember the last time i felt like i do.
youre an angel disguised.
and youre lying real still,
but your heartbeat is fast just like mine.
and the movie's long over,
thats three that have passed, one more's fine
will you stay awake for me?
i dont wanna miss anything
i dont wanna miss anything
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything.
im trying real hard not to shake. im biting my tongue,
but im feeling alive and with every breath that i take,
i feel like ive won. youre my key to survival.
and if its a hero you want,
i can save you. just stay here.
your whispers are priceless,
your breath, it is dear. so please stay near.
will you stay awake for me?
i dont wanna miss anything
i dont wanna miss anything
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything.
say my name, i just want to hear you.
say my name, so I know its true.
youre changing me, youre changing me.
you showed me how to live.
so just say. so just say,
that youll stay awake for me.
i dont wanna miss anything.
i dont wanna miss anything.
i will share the air i breathe,
ill give you my heart on a string,
i just dont wanna miss anything"
i like that song. i havent listened to secondhand serenade in forever. until like yesterday, and then i realized that they write good songs. especially when youre in such a girly mood. which i must be in lately. because i ate a whole freaking pint of ice cream today. yea, thats ridiculous i know. im not eating for the next 7 days. ha. if only i could actually do that. nah, that probably wouldnt be a good thing.
i think im beginning to get the hang of school again. ive been proud of myself this week. i hope i keep the focus up. maybe even intensify it. i think ive been putting on an act... education really is important to me. i dont exactly know why though. maybe its because i want so much for people to be proud of me. and by people, i mean my parents. and i like the competition of it. ha, i really think thats it. i dont know what these past nine weeks will do to my gpa or anything but i have a feeling that ill be able to make up for it. actually, i know i can. i just have to really want to. so ill be okay in the long run. well, duh. but... i dont know. haha.
i like best friends. and disney movies. and ben and jerrys. and driving. and not having to worry about the future. and, believe or not, i like not always having the answers. yea, i never thought id say that either. lol. but i was talking to jessica today and i just had to say "i dont know what to tell you". and i really dont know why i didnt have anything to tell her. maybe its because im tired of telling people what to do. i feel like im trying to be God. i dont know whats right and i dont know whats wrong. i just know what works for me and what doesnt. maybe im being really "new age" about it, but im tired of trying to figure out things. especially when it comes to God and people's relationships with him. my own is probably way different than anyone elses. but who am i to know, or even judge that kind of thing.
it feels good to have a little break. and yea, that includes not having band. im not sure if i miss it or not. i know what i miss, and thats mr pace. the band people are still the same. we still sound the same when we play music. even if it is concert music instead of marching music. i do miss my freshie claries, though. stupid freshman band class. haha, wow, i dont even know what im saying.
i like being about to be involved at church again. it seems like i always forget how much those people mean to me. because they do mean a lot, and they play a huge role in my life. whatever i was going through earlier was stupid and i feel dumb for thinking the things i thought. i cant leave that church. not anytime soon. thats definitely not what God intended. im so thankful to have parents who know what theyre talking about and im so thankful that ive been blessed with enough sense to listen to them.
you. i dont even know what to say about you. im happy. but you already knew that. and i dont really know whats going to happen. but, i know that this is different then what ive been involved in before. whether or not you agree doesnt matter. i mean, yea i want this to be important to you. but if its not, oh well. theres not much i can do about that. haha. i just want to be around you for now. because for now, thats what makes me happy.
and You. Youre completely amazing.
how is it that Youve decided to bless me with all of this?
how it is that You can be so full of love and mercy?
dont answer that.
just, stay near me.
because there isnt any way i can go one minute without You by my side.
=]
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