this is the first time and it wont be the last.

this weekend has been overwhelming. not necessarily in a bad way. actually not at all in a bad way.

i sometimes wish i could just watch my life. all the way from the beginning. there are so many things i want to relive. i just want to feel those same feelings again. and it would probably be fun to laugh at some of the really stupid things i did. a few of them that have been on my mind this weekend. i can honestly think of only one thing that i regret. and i honestly regret it. nothing good came out of it. well maybe, in some strange and abstract kind of way. and the thing is... i know so much about what not to do and how to keep from getting hurt and how you shouldnt make a big deal out of random things. but knowledge isnt everything. the only thing it does is make me feel guilty when i dont listen to it. and no one likes to feel guilty. its not even like its a sin. but its like i know that im choosing to learn things the hard way and i dont care.

my life is going to be so much different in ten years. even five. completely different. none of this will matter. but does it stop me? not at all.

something in me wants every little thing to be alright. with everyone. i dont want people to fail. i dont want people to hurt themselves. i want us to all be friends and love the lord with all we are. i want us to strive to please him, together. but that will be an ongoing struggle. because what i just described sounds a lot like heaven to me. which is exciting. but, im just scared some people wont make it. and i dont want my life to drastically change until im certain in their security.

this is a weird blog. but if you know me, you probably weren't expecting anything far from that.