I just can't hold it in ;

Okay, so I'm 19 years old. I'm a freshman in college. I'm not yet legal to drink. I'm young. I don't think anyone would argue that point.

My feelings are huge. They're fast and they're strong. They are pushing me way past my age. Every day they want to get stronger and stronger and I am deathly afraid to let them. At this point I feel overwhelmed. Like I can't contain everything my feelings entail. It's almost like, they aren't just feelings anymore. There's more to them than I can even explain.

I always knew that being in love was a big thing. I always knew it would be life-changing. It would be worth anything. The idea I had about being truly in love was immense. But to actually be in love. That is completely different. It's even more than I imagined. And its something I can't explain. I'm sitting here and I'm wanting to explain how I feel and I just can't. The right words won't come. There aren't any words that are right enough to show you how I feel.

The scary part of all this is that I don't know what my future holds. This feeling is beyond anything I could have ever asked for. This feeling is forever. I have no doubt that this feeling is as real as real can get. But life is not perfect. I live in a world that has proven to me that even the best things in life don't always last. Why is it so hard to trust in this incredible feeling? I want to put every single thing I have into this and I want to know that I'm not going to end up heartbroken in the end. But I can't. Why can't I?

Sometimes I wonder if it was easier before. This world has gotten so complicated.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I wouldn't want to change a single minute of my existence. Every moment has led up to this point in my life. Where I am happier than I've ever been. And at the same time I don't remember ever being this afraid. I don't want to be afraid to lose this. I can't be scared of losing him. And yet I am. But all of this is worth it. There's no doubt in my mind. No regrets. He is more than worth it.

I catch myself planning my future. The action is usually not intentional. I just have a thought. A perfect thought. I can see things so clearly. I can see how everything will fit together. And even though I didn't mean to fabricate such a desirable image, once I've seen it, it's hard to let it go. My prayer is that I don't have to let it go. I want, more than anything, for my vision of the future to be a reality for me. I don't deserve it. That is more than clear. But it just seems so right.

I keep screwing up. I keep telling God that this time its different. And then I just go back to doing the same old thing. I'm scared that if I don't truly change, everything I love will be lost. God is the glue that holds everything together. Without Him there is absolutely nothing. I can't risk it. If I don't put God first it is almost guaranteed that my future will not be a reality. Once I can actually get this concept, maybe I won't be so afraid anymore.

But there should be more to that. There should be more to me desiring to do God's will. Shouldn't there? It should be out of pure love for my Savior.

I just need to keep pushing. From day to day. Eventually, I will figure this out. At least I know that God isn't going to leave my side. That's one thing that I don't have to be scared of.

I wish I was tired enough to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow.




It's hard for me to believe that anyone, including you, knows how much you really mean to me. <3

You alone can make my soul take flight ;

So, I have been eating constantly. I keep trying to tell myself that if I really want to stop gaining weight I'm going to have to stop eating so much. But I feel hungry pretty much all the time. This is just another reason why I hate winter time & I love summer time; In the summer I hardly have an appetite. Is it summer yet?

The past couple of days I have been extremely lazy. I really haven't done anything except for watch TV. So tonight, I'm going to have to get to work. I have a research paper to write. I need to have most of it done before my writing conference on Tuesday afternoon. Man, I'm so looking forward to Tuesday afternoon. I get to go home. Unfortunately I have a good bit that I have to get through before that glorious moment. Including a lesson on Monday. I don't think it'll be too bad, though. It should actually be good. As long as I get my lazy butt up to practice tonight. And tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I get to eat dinner with my sweety. :) Oh, & Robby. He'll be there, too. But he's not near as important. Ha. I'm kidding? But, no, I'm excited. It's always nice to see him. I'm so proud of how I've handled this "long distance" thing. I say "long distance" because it really doesn't feel like we're that far apart. It might have been a lot worse if I only saw him once a month or something. But the most I've gone without seeing him, thus far, is two weeks. It's been easily handled. I am looking forward to Christmas break, though, when I get to be home for a few weeks straight. That's going to be nice. This college thing isn't too bad. I think I'm actually going to be able to do it. As if I had another choice. Ha.

Ugh, school work. Did I mention I didn't want to do it? Because I don't. Just three days. Then I'll be on vacation. I'll try to keep that in mind for motivation to keep pushing. I wish I weren't such a procrastinator. I wonder when I learned that. I don't remember ever not being one. Ha. That sounds like a problem. One that's probably too late to fix.

I watched Pinocchio today. I miss Disney. It was the first time I'd watched a Disney movie in a few weeks. I figured it was worth putting of my work for. Then again, it doesn't take too much for me to put off work. I'm a mess.

New Moon was great, by the way. I can't wait to see it again. Hopefully I'll see it on Wednesday morning with Jared. It all depends on what his plans are. We don't leave for Alabama until one so I figured we could make a 10:00 movie. And yes, I checked. There is in face at 10:00 movie. :)

Tuesday night when I get home we're going to put up Christmas decorations. I am absolutely thrilled about that! I love love love Christmas. Not to mention, my best friend is coming over to help out. Well, to watch & eat cookies & drink hot chocolate. Hopefully we'll watch a Christmas movie too. Yay.

I think I've done enough procrastinating. I better get to work.
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.
:)

Now we can swim any day in November ;

So, on the way to Chick-Fil-A tonight, Amanda informed me that it had been way too long since I'd written. So here I am. She was right, it has been a long time. I don't know why I haven't written. I guess I've just gotten sucked into every day life. Nothing too exciting has happened, nothing worth venting about, at least. I'm still as happy as ever. Still learning how live from day to day, however. I doubt that will ever be mastered.

Today was a very relaxing day. I was able to sleep in until a little after ten. Maybe that's why I feel so good right now. Usually I'm ready to pass out by now. Have I used this rare energy to do any school work, though? Nope. Some things never change. And they only will out of necessity.

Tomorrow is a very exciting day for me. And Amanda. :) We have tickets to go see New Moon at 12:01 on Friday morning. I am seriously thrilled. It is going to be quite the movie. And it should be fun to spend that time with Amanda, as well. It always is. She's pretty cool. I think we may be friends for a while.

Next week is Thanksgiving. Can you say "Holy cow amazing?" I don't know what that means exactly. It's just excitement. I love Thanksgiving. I love seeing my family. I love the food. I love the shopping. I love going to the movies. I love feeling the presence of God in a way that I can't help but continuously thank Him. When I'm with my family I am always reminded of how blessed I truly am. I couldn't have been placed with a better group of people. I love them so extremely much. <3

Other than seeing New Moon, nothing too exciting is going on this weekend. I'll mostly be working on school stuff. The semester is coming to a close and there are things that just need to be done. I'm pretty please with myself on how this first semester has gone. The only thing I regret is not getting into a practice routine. Hopefully that will be something I get better at next semester. Because it seems to have caused me some extra stress. My grades should come out pretty good. Of course, I guess I should wait until I take my exams to make a statement like that. But, then again, if I've done well this far I don't see how I could bomb the exam.

I want to go read Eclipse. :) And plus, my typing is probably annoying my roommate who is trying to do a paper. I do have a new roommate. You probably weren't aware of that. She's nice. I think we're going to get along just fine.

Goodnight.

My life has never been this clear ;

I am still quite happy. For those who are curious. :)
I haven't written in a while so I thought I'd update. What's new? Happy November! I love November. In a few short weeks it'll be time to go to Alabama and celebrate Thanksgiving with the family! Thanksgiving is literally my favorite time of year. It kicks of the holidays. Which are always fun. If it wasn't so cold during this time of year I'd say everything would be completely perfect. I guess it's good there are a lot of festivities going on. It makes it easier to ignore the colder weather. At any rate, I'm excited.
This weekend me & Amanda are taking a road trip to SC State to the 5A marching band state championships. Yay. It's going to be really fun. We're planning on listening to Christmas music on the way there. Did I mention I love Christmas? Haha.
I get to see Jared too. Which is always good. Things just seem to be getting better with the two of us. It makes me extremely excited about our relationship. I try not to get too excited, though. I'd hate to be horribly disappointed if things don't work out. Things tend to change when you least expect them to. It's not that I'm being pessimistic, just cautious. At any rate, I'm in love with him. And if I could, I would choose to spend every waking moment with him for the rest of my life. Those are pretty strong words, I know. But it's how I'm feeling. That doesn't mean my feelings aren't capable of changing. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. Who am I to predict the future? I can promise you that is one thing I am not capable of.
So Wednesdays are the best. I only have two short classes & it leaves a lot of free time to catch up on work or just relax. This week I really haven't had much work to do which is great. I've been to two recitals already this week. I may go to one on Thursday as well. Apparently we're supposed to go to ten each semester. How many have I been to? Four. How many weeks are left in the semester? Roughly four. Ha. I may come up a little below ten for my first semester. But I will try. :)
I am enjoying life. Very much. I'm glad I finally got into the groove up here in Rock Hill. I'm having a good time. I can't stop thanking God for all he's blessed me with. It truly is amazing.
I'm hungry. Time for lunch? I think so.
Have a great Wednesday! :)