He never gave me a reason to ever doubt Him ;

The past two days have been incredible. My God has shown up like I never thought He would. I knew He was perfectly able. I just didn't believe I deserved it. Because I don't. I was expecting to spend weeks in prayer, seeking God with all that I am, begging to feel his presence again. It amazes me how, after my borderline rebellious attitude, that it only takes a few sincere words to feel close to Him again. I have felt so alive the past couple of days. Realizing that I couldn't go on the way I was, I didn't want to fight to breathe anymore. Not only did I want to breathe, I wanted to live again.
Yesterday morning at church we sang "Beloved". My first encounter with the Holy Spirit was the first time I heard that song. I remember kneeling & crying out to God, feeling him wrap his arms around me and tell me He wanted nothing more than to have a relationship with me. I felt that again yesterday. I was reminded that God loves me so much. So much more than I will ever deserve. Despite my attitude, He still has a plan for my life. A huge weight that I had been carrying, uneccesarily, was lifted off of me as I let the tears flow.
I said it before & I'll say it again; My God works miracles.
His grace is far more than I could've ever imagined. Knowing, from experience now, that He really is only a prayer away. No matter what I've done, if I trully want to be near Him all I need to do is ask. Who wouldn't want that?
Today has been filled with everything that the past few weeks have been lacking: Joy. Peace. Confidence. Motivation. Strength. Everything I've been trying to achieve on my own. All it took was a broken cry to my loving God. The One who never wants to see me struggle the way I was struggling. The One who was just waiting for me to realize I needed Him.
The difference in me in astronomical. & almost instant. I cannot get over how incredible He is. I am constantly amazed by who He is.
I know that I will face plenty more struggles in my lifetime. I may encounter some before the week ends. But right now I'm on a high. I've experienced God's grace in a completely new way. I hope I don't forget how He can change me. Because I need Him. I can't live this life without Him. & the fact that He wants to walk beside me every step of the way is completely irrational. How can He love me that much? I don't know, but I don't have to. Because He does. & that's all the matters.

Thank you, Lord, for a new day.
One filled to the brim with everything You are.
I couldn't ask for more.
<3

I know now You're my only hope ;

It's important to not forget who you are. And what you're about. It's important to remember why you're here. To not lose sight of how it felt the moment you knew you were picked for a specific purpose. The feeling of significance and the excitement that came with your future impact on the world. Once that's forgotten you become completely lost. It slips away so slowly sometimes that you don't even realize you're leaving it behind. You wonder why you suddenly can't breathe. Why it feels like you're constantly struggling to make it to the next day.
All it takes is one little crack for the lies to seep in. Just one mention of what you've been working towards falling completely apart to make you rethink you're whole idea of life. Once that takes a hold of you everything you once were is torn apart. You're values and beliefs are slowly eroded away. It takes a miracle for you to see that you're losing yourself. My God works miracles. He believes in me.
A small reminder of my purpose in this world brings my head above the water. I'm reminded of the steady process that is prayer. The power behind which is unbeatable. To so easily forget who I am is scary to say the least.
I can be who God wants me to be. And His promises are not a joke. He will do what He says. I need to believe that. & I need to live like I believe it.

If I could choose, its only you ;

The issue is I don't want to have to choose. Because I may end up making a huge mistake. So right now, I'm not choosing. After a week or so of fighting with myself, I've come to the conclusion that things don't need to go any where. They can stay the same for a little while longer. We could all use more time, anyway.
The fear of things falling apart is what keeps me close to Him. I don't feel right about that. But at the moment I don't know how to change it. Or maybe I do, and I just don't see it happening. The point is I'm not going to let go of Him. Because He holds me together.

So far this week has been a good one. Things in my life have started coming together. I'm feeling less overwhelmed and I have more of a sense of belonging. It just took some time. Not that I'm exactly where I need to be right now. But, hopefully, it will only get better from here. :)
I'm really looking forward to Fall Break. For many reasons ;
1. I get to spend four whole days in Lexington!
2. I get to see David Cook in concert!
3. I get to go to a Sunday night youth service! (I've missed those kids...)
4. The fair! :)
That's pretty much it. But it will be a nice little break. And hopefully I'll be able to hang out with people that I haven't seen in a while. Because there are people that I miss. Not too many people, though. Haha.

I took my first college exam today! I'm pretty sure I made an "A". That's always a good feeling. :)
My first real essay is due next Tuesday. I plan on starting it Friday. That way I have all weekend to work on it. I've also planned to practice every day of the week except Tuesdays and Fridays. Those are kind of random days but they're just thrown in there to give me a bit of a break. I have a feeling that the practicing thing will become routine rather quickly. It really doesn't take that long. Just an hour out of my day. I've decided that I'd rather practice at night when there's hardly anyone in the building. I don't really like people to hear me. Haha. So tonight I'm going to the West Center for a work out and then to a practice room. And I'm doing that soon. Like as soon as I finish blogging.

I feel like my blogs have gotten ridiculously boring. Maybe because I've had so much on my mind that I didn't really feel comfortable blogging about. So I just wrote a bunch of pointless bullcrap. Haha. It happens, I guess.

I looked up Brad Paisley's tour dates today. He's playing at West Palm Beach on the 17th. That's the day of the David Cook concert. If I didn't already have plans to see David Cook, I would so try to go to see Brad Paisley. Do you know how fun that would be? Amazingly fun. But Jared said maybe next year. I sure hope he goes on tour next year. & that he plays at West Palm Beach. On a date that we can get away from school. Haha, sounds like a lot of things have to happen exactly right in order to go. But, hey, a girl can dream! :)

I need to go shave. I hope this blog was a little more interesting than the past few. For your sake. And my own when I choose to go back and read all my blogs. I have done that before. It took a long time then. It'll take a really long time in the future.

Anyway, have a great Wednesday night! <3

& every now & again sometimes I get lost on the wind of a dream;

I'm sitting here drinking some chocolate milk. It's not even good chocolate milk. I'm basically drinking it because it goes bad like... tomorrow. Ha. And my throat hurts. It's been hurting me for the past two days. I think it's because I've been sleeping with the AC on high? Not to mention my allergies have been acting up again. Boo. It hasn't been a very fun weekend so far. Relaxing, yes. Fun, not so much.
I have a lot of reading to do. That's what I was about to do before I realized I needed to post something. I've already read the book but I don't remember much about it & I have a test on it monday. Other plans for today? I'm going to the West Center at 7 to work out & then going to the Conservatory of Music at like 10 to practice. I slept til two today so I figure I won't be too tired by that time. Maybe I'll wear myself out so that I can be in bed by 12 tonight? Probably not, though.
I just got back from going to Walmart. I now have $9 left in my account. & I have to live on that until Thursday. Good thing I get free meals in the cafeteria... okay, so they aren't exactly free; I did have to pay for them. And if I need something other than food I'm pretty sure I can get it somewhere on campus using Cafe Cash.
I'm super excited about next weekend! It's my birthday weekend in case you didn't know. ;) My parents are coming up, on Saturday probably, to take me out. & Jared's going to try to come up too. Birthday's are fun. The only thing is I have to make sure I have all my work done before Saturday. Which kind of sucks because by the time Thursday rolls around I don't want to do ANYTHING. I've been praying for motivation. Because I have a long way to go. I've been praying for a lot lately. A LOT, A LOT! But that's a completely different story. One I'd rather not get into at the moment.
Anyway, I really should go read. I'm just wasting time again. I'm good at that.
Have a good weekend! :)

I'm thankful that it's You, the solid rock, on which I stand;

I've been told that I should post more often by a certain someone who is abandoning us all and moving to Texas. Texas, of all places. I'm totally kidding. I am extremely happy for her. :)
I just got back from working out. The West Center here at Winthrop is an amazing facility. Seriously, I'm glad it's there. I definitely take advantage of it. And I certainly hope my physical (& mental) health benefit from that!
I am now living by myself. My roomie moved out today. Not only was she my roomie but my best friend. She's been forced to grow up way sooner than she should. Sometimes we aren't aware of how our every day choices can affect what happens to us. Some choices can put you on a path that is the very opposite of the direction you were previously heading. In her case, I hope its just a side road that will eventually lead her back to where she can become the person she wants to be.
Not only has it turned her life upside down but I've found that as soon as I got that call on Saturday I've really had to grow up emotionally. I've realized that nothing is certain. That life can take unexpected turns that may scare the living daylights out of you! I am just so thankful that I have such a relationship with my God that I know my own human flaws. I am so emotionally screwed up without Him and I knew this. The past weekend was an extremely hard one for me. But I prayed. Constantly. I asked for just about everything you could ask for. Strength. Wisdom. Courage. Confidence. The list goes on. I knew that there was going to be no way I could handle it on my own. And I knew if I was having this much trouble that she was probably having a lot harder time. So, naturally, I prayed for her. And I will continue to do so. I know her. She's a very smart girl. Woman. She's going to do the right thing in the end.
I need to do some homework. I didn't do any yesterday because Monday's are so crazy. At least I know now not to plan anything besides going to class on Mondays. All I wanted to do after my last class was go to sleep. And that's exactly what I did. Sleep is good. Naps are awesome. I believe they are a college necessity. :)
I hope everyone is enjoying their week. I'm personally thankful that I only have two more full days of class.
Goodnight.
:)