but i just wanted people to know in case they got worried:
i talked to my parents and cried a little and im okay.
at least for now. ha.
i think the whole venting thing helped a lot.
its always hard for me to tell people whats going on with me. mostly because i can hardly understand it myself. i know, im a weird person. but i ended up talking to my parents about how stressed ive been feeling and it was a good thing.
i have this problem though; every time i try to talk about stuff like that i start to cry. its really hard for me to get stuff out. haha. it was a mess. im glad you guys weren't there.
anywho! point being i feel ten times better than before.
im only 18, i think i should get a chance to overreact every once in a while. ha.
im gonna go finish eclipse now.
:)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
keepbreathing;
the storm is coming but i dont mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.
all that i know is im breathing now.
i want to change the world; instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you & me.
but all that i know is im breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
all that i know is im breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
all we can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
do you ever get the feeling that your head is barely above the water?
i dont feel like myself. i feel like im taking every available avenue that will lead me to a simpler life. im scared that in order to get comfortable again that i would jump at any chance that offers anything close to comfort. who knows what im willing to compromise to just feel alive again?
i feel suffocated lately. i know that i only have so much time left with my parents but it seems like theyre pushing so many things on me from every direction. get a job, go to the post office, what do you need to do for college?, clean up, take care of the cat, talk to us, why dont you ever talk to us?, keep up your grades...
it never seems to stop.
and it doesnt make it any easier that theyve been really good parents to me for the past 18 years. i mean, i feel like i owe them all of my attention for the next 8 months until i move out but i cant do that. i just cant. i dont want to be told what to do anymore. i want to make my own decisions. i know my room is dirty, i know i need money, i know when deadlines are. they dont seem to get that i dont need them reminding me of every little thing anymore. it only drives me over the edge. i get annoyed at being around them and then they get upset about it. i hate that i want to get away from them so badly but there's honestly only so much i can take.
and this whole not having money thing is stressful. its stressful on my parents making them act even worse. i can tell my dad is really struggling with it so when he's being him and i get annoyed i feel even worse about it. i cant make them happy. we're at each others throats more often than not these days and thats not how its supposed to be. i only have a few more months. senior year is supposed to be the best time of my life. so far its proven to be the toughest. my patience, my trust in God, its never been pushed as far as its being pushed right now.
i will never stop relying on God no matter how tough things get but some times i feel so far away from Him. and i dont understand why. its times like these that i know in my mind i need to devote more time to finding Him than anything else. but its easier said than done. when He feels so close its so easy to want to spend time with Him. its so easy to think about Him throughout the day and to thank Him for how amazing He is. i hate the sundays where i walk into church and i cant do anything but sit with my arms folded. i know i want to be in His presence. i know i want to feel Him more than anything but i just cant. and yea, i know things like this happen. cycles. its happened before. but having Him so far away from me makes getting through this so much harder. i dont know what i need to do to feel His comfort. im relying on what ive been told, and what has happened for me in the past at the moment. im remembering how Hes never failed me before, how His word says He will never fail me. i just dont feel Him telling me. i want to change that, but i dont know how.
my parents want to go to alabama for the week. i dont want to. last time i went i had a horrible time. what if this time its worse? i used to love going to see family. i dont know whats gotten in to me. whoever this is, its not me. i hate it.
i want to stay home and spent new years with my friends. away from my parents. but what if what i need is to go to alabama? i know its whats my parents need. so why cant i be selfless for once and let them go? and what if they say i can stay here? should i stay in the house by myself for a few days? how much trouble would i be tempted to get into that way? does God have something planned for me in birmingham this week? how am i supposed to know what to do?
i dont understand why life chooses now to get ridiculously hard for me. i was supposed to really enjoy this year. isnt everyone? my dad not having a job wasnt in the plan. maybe thats what it all stems back to. and do i blame my dad? it scares me because i dont really know. why did we have to leave just then? why couldnt we have waited?
and why the hell am i questioning everything? since when did i worry about things? or question how its all turning out? why am i so freaking scared of the year to come? why am i not who i want to be?
why cant i feel You?
i need You much more than i thought i would.
God, please. i cant do this on my own.
people are dying, i close my blinds.
all that i know is im breathing now.
i want to change the world; instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you & me.
but all that i know is im breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
all that i know is im breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
all we can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
do you ever get the feeling that your head is barely above the water?
i dont feel like myself. i feel like im taking every available avenue that will lead me to a simpler life. im scared that in order to get comfortable again that i would jump at any chance that offers anything close to comfort. who knows what im willing to compromise to just feel alive again?
i feel suffocated lately. i know that i only have so much time left with my parents but it seems like theyre pushing so many things on me from every direction. get a job, go to the post office, what do you need to do for college?, clean up, take care of the cat, talk to us, why dont you ever talk to us?, keep up your grades...
it never seems to stop.
and it doesnt make it any easier that theyve been really good parents to me for the past 18 years. i mean, i feel like i owe them all of my attention for the next 8 months until i move out but i cant do that. i just cant. i dont want to be told what to do anymore. i want to make my own decisions. i know my room is dirty, i know i need money, i know when deadlines are. they dont seem to get that i dont need them reminding me of every little thing anymore. it only drives me over the edge. i get annoyed at being around them and then they get upset about it. i hate that i want to get away from them so badly but there's honestly only so much i can take.
and this whole not having money thing is stressful. its stressful on my parents making them act even worse. i can tell my dad is really struggling with it so when he's being him and i get annoyed i feel even worse about it. i cant make them happy. we're at each others throats more often than not these days and thats not how its supposed to be. i only have a few more months. senior year is supposed to be the best time of my life. so far its proven to be the toughest. my patience, my trust in God, its never been pushed as far as its being pushed right now.
i will never stop relying on God no matter how tough things get but some times i feel so far away from Him. and i dont understand why. its times like these that i know in my mind i need to devote more time to finding Him than anything else. but its easier said than done. when He feels so close its so easy to want to spend time with Him. its so easy to think about Him throughout the day and to thank Him for how amazing He is. i hate the sundays where i walk into church and i cant do anything but sit with my arms folded. i know i want to be in His presence. i know i want to feel Him more than anything but i just cant. and yea, i know things like this happen. cycles. its happened before. but having Him so far away from me makes getting through this so much harder. i dont know what i need to do to feel His comfort. im relying on what ive been told, and what has happened for me in the past at the moment. im remembering how Hes never failed me before, how His word says He will never fail me. i just dont feel Him telling me. i want to change that, but i dont know how.
my parents want to go to alabama for the week. i dont want to. last time i went i had a horrible time. what if this time its worse? i used to love going to see family. i dont know whats gotten in to me. whoever this is, its not me. i hate it.
i want to stay home and spent new years with my friends. away from my parents. but what if what i need is to go to alabama? i know its whats my parents need. so why cant i be selfless for once and let them go? and what if they say i can stay here? should i stay in the house by myself for a few days? how much trouble would i be tempted to get into that way? does God have something planned for me in birmingham this week? how am i supposed to know what to do?
i dont understand why life chooses now to get ridiculously hard for me. i was supposed to really enjoy this year. isnt everyone? my dad not having a job wasnt in the plan. maybe thats what it all stems back to. and do i blame my dad? it scares me because i dont really know. why did we have to leave just then? why couldnt we have waited?
and why the hell am i questioning everything? since when did i worry about things? or question how its all turning out? why am i so freaking scared of the year to come? why am i not who i want to be?
why cant i feel You?
i need You much more than i thought i would.
God, please. i cant do this on my own.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
<33
this time next week ill be packing for the best disney trip ever! okay, so i wont actually be packing because ill be at indoor practice. darn you, collin! but believe me, itll definitely be on my mind. im so psyched about going! its been a year and a half since ive been at all and this time im going for christmas which makes it ten times better! i cant believe its only a week away! :D
we had winter days today. it was pretty cool, i guess. i spent half of my day in the band room, which is always a fun thing. i know, im a nerd. :P
im actually looking forward to the concert. more so than in the past. its my last winter concert... aw. haha, im not really that sad about it. its exciting to be moving on. scary at times, but exciting.
my parents arent home. so im stuck here with nothing to do. thats honestly why im blogging. its been a while. i just dont really have all that much to say anymore. i think because i have jared and jessica to confide in. i really do feel loved these days. i mean, ive always been loved. its just nice to have someone close. those two are extremely important to me. i hope they realize it. :)
anyways i think im gonna go look up some guitar tabs or something. its been ages since ive played...
if that doesnt work out ill read new moon. its getting better. i should be finished with it by monday, for sure.
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