you said you always wanted someone to tell you its ok

i have the weirdest feeling. i cant begin to explain it.

im so happy that i finally got my license. im gonna have so much more freedom.

im scared to talk anymore. im scared of lies that might come out of my mouth. what if everything ive ever promised has been a lie?

i want to make everything ok. and its impossible when i dont know what the heck im doing.

i think we all have this fantasy of leaving town and not having to worry about all the crap thats going on in life. but i think that no matter where you go youre gonna have problems. and if you dont fix the ones youre in right now, the guilt and regret will follow you no matter where you go. which is no fun to think about. it sucks really. but its life. and lifes hard. harder for some than others. and that makes my heart hurt.

i need God more than ever. everything seems so complicated.

im tired of hurting people. and hurting myself by being so easily disappointed.




i hope you know i really do care.

and we all fall down and fall apart.

i really missed kids krusade tonight. alot alot. im so sad its only three nights. and i only get to go to two of them. thats even worse. thats like only 2 thirds!!! haha. but seriously, its one of my favorite times of year. besides my birthday and thanksgiving... and christmas. thats fun too. haha. im so excited to go tomorrow.

its my last day of work tomorrow too. and im only going a half a day. ah, thats great. it was fun working there. and i got payed a very nice amount of money. its been a good addition to my summer fun. but its gotten boring so im glad to be done with it.

meagan and i are going to have a sleepover tomorrow night. we're gonna be pirates. =] thats my favorite part. and then we're gonna come home eat a bunch and play disney games. cuz thats what we like to do. and i like to do it with her cuz she likes to do it with me. she understands. i dont know what it is she understands exactly, but she does. and its nice. its nice to have a friend like that. its nice to be loved like that.




i hope i remember to fall in love one day. it seems cool.

this is the first time and it wont be the last.

this weekend has been overwhelming. not necessarily in a bad way. actually not at all in a bad way.

i sometimes wish i could just watch my life. all the way from the beginning. there are so many things i want to relive. i just want to feel those same feelings again. and it would probably be fun to laugh at some of the really stupid things i did. a few of them that have been on my mind this weekend. i can honestly think of only one thing that i regret. and i honestly regret it. nothing good came out of it. well maybe, in some strange and abstract kind of way. and the thing is... i know so much about what not to do and how to keep from getting hurt and how you shouldnt make a big deal out of random things. but knowledge isnt everything. the only thing it does is make me feel guilty when i dont listen to it. and no one likes to feel guilty. its not even like its a sin. but its like i know that im choosing to learn things the hard way and i dont care.

my life is going to be so much different in ten years. even five. completely different. none of this will matter. but does it stop me? not at all.

something in me wants every little thing to be alright. with everyone. i dont want people to fail. i dont want people to hurt themselves. i want us to all be friends and love the lord with all we are. i want us to strive to please him, together. but that will be an ongoing struggle. because what i just described sounds a lot like heaven to me. which is exciting. but, im just scared some people wont make it. and i dont want my life to drastically change until im certain in their security.

this is a weird blog. but if you know me, you probably weren't expecting anything far from that.