through all the hard times in my life, those nights kept me alive.

time is a completely ridiculous thing. it doesnt make any sense. it cant possibly be a constant because it feels so erratic. in the ninth grade i absolutely hated my algebra two class. every morning i would go to that class and it felt like years before i was free from the evil confines of making an 80 on everything i did. but looking back i remember hardly anything. algebra two lives in a single second of my memory. if i were to total up the time in my memory, i wonder how much it would actually be. probably way less than the 18 years that ive actually lived. my birthday seemed to always take forever to come, but all of a sudden its come and gone 18 times and ive come face to face with the world. its like a brick wall that appeared out of no where with the sole purpose of stopping me dead in my tracks and knocking whatever sense i have out of me. this is the first time that im really starting a new "chapter" of my life. in a matter of months my whole world is turned upside down and im forced to find out who i am and what i want. everything i loved and lived for over the past 18 years i have to leave behind. with no chance to say goodbye. its the realization that it has to stay in the past and then looking in the rearview mirror to watch it fall further and further behind. there is no in between. its all too fast. too sudden. but then i think, everyone else is experiencing this vast change. im not the only one. and the change wont be a bad thing at all. i have so much to look forward to. so many more memories to make. and when the next chapter of my life finds me, i will have to watch those memories fade once again.

i have had the best childhood that i could have ever asked for. my high school career has been amazing. ive had an amazing support system through friends and family. ive been so blessed. its quite evident to me that besides chosing to have a relationship with Christ, marching band is the best decision i have ever made. i could not imagine the last four years without it. i cant explain what or why i love it so much but i do. this weekend is basically the end to such an incredible memory. out of everything ive ever experienced, marching band might possibly be the hardest thing for me to let go.

i graduate in 7 months, roughly. who knows what is going to happen between now and then. who knows what kind of feelings im going to have about my future... or my past. all i know is what i feel now. and what ive felt this week. and those feelings i dont even know how to explain. growing up is something i always looked forward to but i could have never imagined it to feel like this.

i think ive rambled far too much. i really need to read some, but i should probably sleep. its going to be a long weekend...