ive got a cubbard with cans of food...

"...filtered water and pictures of you.
and im not coming out until this is all over."

i have so much on my mind right now. so freaking much. things are changing. i dont know what, how, or why, but they are. i cant even get things straight in my head. i can seem to put them in any kind of order that would make sense.

honestly, i dont want to go to youth tonight. i want to go somewhere else. i want to go to church to worship God. i dont want to go because ive been going for the past ten years and people would ask me a thousand questions if i didnt go. thats a dumb reason to go to church. and i dont feel like its a good enough reason for me to keep things the way they are. i need something new. i mean im not gonna quit all of a sudden. its something i need to pray about. but i need a break. hopefully my parents will understand.

two years ago i thought moving was the worst idea in the world. mostly because of my church family. it was home to me. and now its so different. the only reason i would stay would be for the band. the band is my family now. and i dont think it should be that way. i want to be surrounded by people who love God more than anything and who continually want more out of Him. thats where im at right now, and the youth group's atmosphere isnt cutting it.

school is going a little better i think. interims come out tuesday and im not sure about having all A's... but as long as i dont have a C ill be fine. at least thats what my parents have told me. ah, i dont want to disappoint my parents. thats the worst thing about feeling like i need to change somethings around. i dont want my parents to think im being rebellious or anything. gosh, i hope they understand.

theres a few things i really want out of life. at least at this time in my life. yes, that could be very dangerous. but i really dont care. ive gotten myself into something that i dont want to get out of. i havent felt like this for a long time. i think this could change things. but no one can tell what the future is gonna be like. they can only hope. as for me, i just want to be happy. and those "things" might just help out with that. but... who knows.



the most exciting things in my life right now ::

1. Heroes starts tomorrow.
2. our first competition is saturday.
3. the river is amazing.
4. the weather is starting to get cooler.
5. God will never fail me.

bad decisions.

so here i am talking to you at 12:12 in the morning.

i shouldve been asleep an hour ago.

but im not.

why am i doing this?

obviously i think theres something worth it.

or maybe you just make me happier than my dreams do.

that statement sounds really cheezy.

but usually that happens.

when im being such a girl.

like tonight.

yea, im pretty sure thats all i needed to say.

goodnight.

theres a better way to clean up the mess youve been making

welcome to a new day.
boy, life changes fast, huh?

i have other things i really should be doing. because in about 3 hours im gonna be participating in the hi-light of my day. carolina football. yes, im excited, but ive already expressed that excitement on myspace.

today is my day off and it felt so good to sleep in for the first time in like 2 weeks. school is really kicking my butt. but breaks are really nice. like monday. i get to go to carowinds with the people who really care about me. gosh, i love my friends so much. i dont see how anyone can get through anyone without having someone who really cares about them. and yes, God cares. and i love him for it cuz he cares way more than anyone ever could. but it feels really good to have someone down here who will never fail to be there for you. and thats why love is so amazing.

gosh why am i so happy around you? im still confused as to what happened to make me feel the way i do. i dont know what it is... but you are always on my mind. and a lot of the times i dont want it to be that way because i dont even know if this is gonna work out! i dont know if you even want it to work out. and that scares me because i really feel good about this. i know its wrong to want all of you attention, but sometimes thats just the way you feel. thank you so much for allowing me to get to know you. and feel free to push me away if you dont want my attention.

this is kind of a short one but i really should do my homework before i get to the point when i dont feel like doing a single thing.

asdlkfajsdfasfj.